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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do?

55 replies

2muskateers · 17/05/2015 20:27

Hi, I've got myself in a situation and wondered what others would do.... I'm 28 and have an 8 year old and we rent a house, I work and have a little help with rent. we have always lived on our own. I have a partner of nearly 4 years, who is 44 and rents his own flat about 15 miles away near his work, he has no children nor has he ever lived with anybody but won't move in with me! I can't stress how happy we are, he loves my daughter and vice versa, we have so many happy trips and holidays. he stays all weekend but likes to go back to his own space for the week. He has done this along time and when I say I want more he says I'd need a better job or a bigger house or he would need a closer job. All excuses because We have got in this stupid routine. I know he loves me and I trust him with my life but how long could you live like this??

OP posts:

EvilTendency1 · 17/05/2015 23:29

Never done a food shop and Mammy is buying his food ?

What's the bet she does his cleaning and washing too.

He sounds like a Better version of a cocklodger but a cocklodger nonetheless. This situation works for HIM, he gets sex at the weekend/fed/cleaned for / someone pocking up after him and he go back to work to chill and time on his own ?

Pah, as someone else has said it suits him down to the ground but it sounds like it's not working for you anymore. Do you want more children ? If so I would look to end the relationship and look for someone to do this with.

Lweji · 17/05/2015 23:31

Haven't you posted about this before? Or was it someone else?

StaceyAndTracey · 17/05/2015 23:39

So how do you work out the money ?

He stays at yours, what, 3/7 nights a week . What does he contribute towards food, bills, days out, holidays ?

How do you split costs when you go out ? Does he earn roughly the same as you ?

15 miles away Isnt very far - why does it stop you living together ? Why can't he drive 15 miles to work ?

And why woudl you need a better job to live together ? wouldnt you be sharing all the living costs ?

Sorry , I don't understand

Littlemonstersrule · 18/05/2015 07:22

The OP is already on dodgy ground as she's in a relationship where the partner stays over for part of the week. If he contributes financially, then the top up benefits she gets will be under scrutiny as they are based on her being single. Having his own address isn't the only factor they look at.

If she was staying at his, I somehow doubt she would be asked if she was paying for food etc.

StaceyAndTracey · 18/05/2015 10:29

Really little monsters? I'm staying with a friend this week for one night ( as a one off ) . I will take a gift and a bottle of wine / flowers - isn't that what guests do ?

Why woudl someone who was living with you 2/3 nights a week not make some contribution to your living costs, especially if you were a bit hard up?

I'm commenting on the morality here, not the rules about benefits .

Also I don't understand why the Ops partner doesn't babysit so she can see her friends. He loves her daughter and they are taking of marriage " all the time " , but the obstacle seem to be that she needs a better job . Which I don't understand at all .

Lweji · 18/05/2015 10:38

Just read the thing about the petrol bill balancing it out.

There you go. Start by saying you are going to save him a lot of petrol, by allowing him to stay at home all the time.
(and save yourself a fortune on food, water, gas, electricity)

youarekiddingme · 18/05/2015 10:41

Id not be happy with your situation. Not the living apart bit as that can work but the fact he seems to be taking the piss.

You pay for his food all weekend.
You are giving up your friends to see him.
If you move in then rent etc will be split but he wants you to earn more.

Sounds like he's not willing to 'share' equal responsibility. And it's the sharing part for me that would be the deciding factor.

DrMorbius · 18/05/2015 10:52

Wow - £4 (petrol cost) for 2/3 nights food board and sex. I hope you do his laundry as well. Sounds like he has it made, why would he change???

Lweji · 18/05/2015 10:53

I don't agree he is using me, just set in his ways and maybe scared of what if it goes wrong.

Yes, good luck with that. Keep excusing him.

If it's not working for you, then put your foot down in a way that works for you, not just him.

AlternativeTentacles · 18/05/2015 11:11

Problem is - you are restricting your own chances at finding a proper partner by supporting this man and letting him use your house at the weekends as a one shop relationship stop.

It is only you that is losing out here.

tipsytrifle · 19/05/2015 20:11

The arrangement sounds more in line with what I'd prefer anyway - never to live with anyone ever again! However, you don't share this enthusiasm for independent living. I wouldn't support a part time partner either. I wouldn't offer open and free house. Dating would be what this is. Anything else would be (has been) allowing myself to be used. His petrol costs have to be counted into you feeding and homing him? Stuff that, I say. Let his mum feed him full time instead of splitting the care plan between you.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/05/2015 20:35

"I'm a single working mum trying to support another adult every weekend and he says the petrol bill balances it out"

He reckons the cost of petrol for a 30 mile round trip balances out what it costs you to feed him over the course of a weekend?

Does he pay for your "happy trips and holidays'?

Partyringer · 19/05/2015 21:59

I don't see how his travel cost to see you is in any way related to what you spend on him. The cheeky bugger.

Partyringer · 19/05/2015 22:00

Rather than asking him to live with you somehow, what about small changes, like him coming to you and being there when you get in from friends?

BrowersBlues · 19/05/2015 22:41

OP can I just ask you a few things - are you mad about him, do you fancy him rotten, do you laugh your head off with him, can you fight with him and know that its going to be ok, is he kind to you, does he put you first, is he kind to your DD, do you feel protected by him, have you met his friends and family? I apologise for the Spanish inquisition but I just sense from your post that something is not quite right, apart from the obvious that he won't move in.

You are a young woman, life should be more joyful (of course alongside the usual ups and downs) but I just don't feel any passion from your post.

I could be a mile off but you sound so lovely I urge you not to settle for less than you deserve. I am not saying every relationship is mind blowingly wonderful but you deserve more. I would love to hear that you were with someone who desired you much much more.

I am late 40's and don't live with my partner because of my teenagers (think hell) but I fancy him badly and he is really nice to me and always puts me first.

ImperialBlether · 20/05/2015 11:58

So if he did move in would he live rent free because he has to drive 15 miles to work?

Twinklestein · 20/05/2015 12:32

Why are you subsidising this sponging, ageing, non-committal loser? The money you spend on him could be spent on you and our daughter.

You're in your prime, you could be investing in a relationship with someone your own age, who wants the same things as you.

Original poster

2muskateers · 20/05/2015 13:48

I am not making excuses for him. the reason he doesn't babysit is because my daughter stays at her dad's every friday, which is when I would go out because but don't because it's one or the other. It's my choice to not go out with my friends, I just know I would more if we lived together .
most of the recent comments are hard to read, I don't think he is selfish and it's worked for us for years but I do think I'm ready for more. I'm not naive and I can see the points raised, I posted for people's points of view.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 20/05/2015 13:54

I would look at like this: it's a relationship that's suited you, bar the sponging, while your daughter was very young. It's been good for her not to have him living with you, it's been good for you to have an interest outside her and your home.

But now you're ready for a fully committed relationship and he's not the man for the job.

Original poster

2muskateers · 20/05/2015 14:04

I love him very much but I am beginning to resent our relationship, and find it hard to see him being criticized as I know he loves me and I believe he feels we are fair. I suppose posting was pretty pointless as it's down to me and what I will put up with. Only I can change it and I will when I'm in the right place. Thanks all for your input

OP posts:

mummytime · 20/05/2015 14:05

Plan to do stuff with your friends!
If he suddenly wants to see you - thats his bad luck.
Take back control of your life. You are fortunate, he sounds like a really bad idea of either a husband or someone to live with.

So this relationship has worked for you for a while, but now you want something more? There is no problem with that. Just don't try to change him. You've outgrown him - he's had fun - now move on.

Lweji · 20/05/2015 14:10

It's my choice to not go out with my friends, I just know I would more if we lived together.

Presumably because you'd see him more because he was around.
But surely he can still go to you on Saturday, or some other time during the week.

It's only 15 miles. I commute a longer distance.

Twinklestein · 20/05/2015 14:30

What he believes is neither here nor there. He's taking advantage of your generosity and he's deceiving himself.

We can all tell ourselves we're being fair while treating someone badly, that doesn't mean it's true.

Original poster

2muskateers · 20/05/2015 14:31

As do I. I spend a lot of time with friends in school holidays so haven't cut them out, I just choose not to go out in the evenings with them. I feel I'm being defensive now.

OP posts:

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 20/05/2015 14:35

" can't plan things with friends as it's one or the other "

whats that mean? you've said it twice now?

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