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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice?

60 replies

Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 19:45

If DH and I have a little argument or I refuse to do something he wants he often grabs the top of one of my arms and squeezes until I give in, he will also whack my thighs or backside (with a remote or brush) if I've pissed him off or done something he doesn't want me too. This is actually an improvement on a couple of years ago, he used to slap me or grab my hair etc.
He agrees that slapping and hair pulling isn't OK (thats why he stopped)but how do I get him to stop the other things? Are there any self help books or anything that I can give him? He is reasonable in most other ways and intelligent so I don't know why he still does this.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 17/05/2015 19:51

I don't think he needs self help books.

I think you do to understand how abusive his behaviour is.

You say this is an improvement- but in what? A life where he hit you? An improvement in real terms is one without this person in your life.

Sid77 · 17/05/2015 19:52

So he's physically hurting you until you give in to him? Hmm
This does not sound acceptable - it sound like he's a bully. Do you have DCs? Does he do this to them?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/05/2015 19:55

He's intelligent, so he fully understands that he is making you do things through physical force :(

I'm so sorry, your H is abusing you. Being forced to do something by someone who is supposed to love you is horrible.

I very much hope you don't have dcs, I would hate for my sons to be learning to hurt their wives, and my daughters to be learning to expect to be physically harmed by the man they love.

You deserve so much better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2015 19:56

None of what he does to you still is ok; its still domestic violence against you. He used to slap and grab your hair too?. What he is doing now is no better.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

He at heart thinks these behaviours are ok and such behaviours are often deeply ingrained within his psyche. No amount of self help books will assist him, he feels entitled to do this to you.

He does this to still exert his power and control over you, to keep you in your place and in line; that is what abuse is all about and that is why he does these behaviours.

He won't change; only you can change how you react to him. I would be contacting Womens Aid in these circumstances.

Do you have children; if so what are they learning from you both here about relationships?.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 19:58

err, what ?

I wouldn't treat a 3yo like this. Does he (and you) realise that physical chastisement of your wife if she won't do as she is told is called physical abuse and domestic violence these days ?

Call Women's Aid and start making plans to esape this violent relationship.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:01

Since he is intelligent, he can see exactly what his own behaviour means. Obviously, he has decided that physically dominating you to put you in your place works out quite well for him. Changing his ways to treating you respectfully would mean that he loses the perks of domination and control.

The only traction that YOU have in this situation, is the choice of whether you want to stick around, or not.

But you can't change him. Only he can do that. He'd have to be the one shopping for the "How to stop being an abuser" self-help books himself, iyswim. You dumping then in his lap would mean he is not choosing to change.

No such books exist, btw. People abuse because they want to. He wants to do this.

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:01

He only does it in private, our child doesn't see/ hear anything. I know its not right but I don't want to leave him. I'm just want some advice about books etc

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 20:04

Your child sees and hears what is going on. You must not deny that to yourself.

I don't recommend any books for him...it is likely he will read them and learn even more ways to sneakily physically abuse you.

The only reading I would recommend is for you starting with this one

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:04

(It sounds worse than it is)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2015 20:05

No, it sounds exactly like it is. You are in a violent relationship.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:08

There are no books to stop abusers abusing.

There are books to help YOU, though. Would you like links to some of those?

Marcipex · 17/05/2015 20:08

He sounds vile. He is abusing you.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/05/2015 20:09

Kookiekoo, it sounds like your husband thinks he has a right to make you do things by hurting you. The fact that you don't think this is shocking and appalling (which it really is!) is even more worrying :(

Dcs see more than you think. And what happens when they're a rebellious teen and won't listen to dad?

This is not a safe relationship for you or your child to be in. It really is horrible to hear that you are being treated like this. It is so far from normal.

YellowTulips · 17/05/2015 20:12

Does he think this is acceptable behaviour?

If it was then why is it only "in private"?

He knows it's abusive and so do you.

specialsubject · 17/05/2015 20:14

it is not your fault you married a violent man. But you must get out or get him removed.

outcomes:

  • he kills you
  • he kills your son
  • your son grows up to think this is ok (because you seem to) and you've bred another abuser.

get out. Call the police. Do something.

and read the sticky headed 'listen up'. That is the relationship standard. NOTHING less is acceptable.

woowoo22 · 17/05/2015 20:15

OP this is so sad. If your kids did this to someone else would that be acceptable? It is not acceptable behaviour.

What are the arguments over? Sounds like you can never have a different opinion as he will just physically hurt you until you agree?

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/05/2015 20:19

He's abusing you. One day you child will stand up to him and get abused too.

Totally unacceptable behaviour, he won't change.

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:21

It doesn't feel great does it OP?

The likelihood is that the behaviours will escalate and you will struggle to conceal it from your DS.

Self-help books are not usually what is recommended for a violent man.

Does he recognise that he has an ongoing problem?

There is a website that might help (I'll look for it). But is he on-board?

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:23

*outcomes:

  • he kills you
  • he kills your son
  • your son grows up to think this is ok (because you seem to) and you've bred another abuser.*

That's not entirely accurate or helpful TBH special

specialsubject · 17/05/2015 20:26

it is all possible, I'm afraid - and that's what I should have said, 'possible outcomes'. I didn't, sorry.

as I said, not her fault.

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:27

Yes, completely agree that they are possible outcomes.

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:28

No, it feels crap Arsenic. I do thing he is willing to change, he has already calmed down the hitting etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:30

think*

OP posts:
Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:31

There's this;

www.everymanproject.co.uk/cont6.html

BUT success rates of violent men curtailling their violence, even with professional help, are not great.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/05/2015 20:33

I think special is correct there, we knew a woman who put with this for years but left when he started to hit the kids too.

Small children are biddable but when they start to get lippy the shit hits the fan.

Op, I disagree with my Dh in arguments but he doesn't use force to change my mind.

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