Any advice?

[Kookiekoo]

If DH and I have a little argument or I refuse to do something he wants he often grabs the top of one of my arms and squeezes until I give in, he will also whack my thighs or backside (with a remote or brush) if I've pissed him off or done something he doesn't want me too. This is actually an improvement on a couple of years ago, he used to slap me or grab my hair etc.
He agrees that slapping and hair pulling isn't OK (thats why he stopped)but how do I get him to stop the other things? Are there any self help books or anything that I can give him? He is reasonable in most other ways and intelligent so I don't know why he still does this.

All the best. There is help out there when you are ready for it.

This is what he needs to read OP:

www.cps.gov.uk/publications/prosecution/domestic/domv.html#a02

Thankyou

Kookiekoo Have you asked him to stop?

If not, why not?
If you have asked him to stop but he hasn't, why hasn't he?

You know it's all wrong, that why you posted.

Unless he grips his friends, work colleagues, strangers etc arms to make them act in certain ways or hits them with brushes and remote controls then he is choosing to abuse only you

and of course he does it in private, because if anyone witnessed what he did he would be at the very least pulled up on it, and possibly your family would be brought to the attention of Social Services because a child living in a household where violence is meted out to her parent is an abused child

read this sticky thread op

I am very sorry you are in this situation.

You say that if he hurt your daughter it would be a dealbreaker for you.

But why is it acceptable for him to hurt you? You are worth more than that too.

Your husband is physically stronger than you, he apparently loves you but he hurts you. Imagine yourself in that role with someone that you love, your mum maybe. Could you ever imagine any set of circumstances where you would grab your mum's arms and hurt her until she did what you want, or hit her with an object.

He does it because he's abusive and he knows exactly what he is doing. He's clearly been behaving like that with you for a long time even if he's stopped with the slapping and hair pulling for now

Please protect yourself and your daughter by at least getting some advice and support from Women's Aid as advised on here.

I have asked him to stop but he says its my fault for whatever it is that I did. I know its wrong, I don't like being treated like that but I'm just not ready to leave. I'm going to read the links/books recommended, that sticky thread is great.

Oh love, it is really not your fault. None of this is your fault. I could set fire to my dh's guitar (his pride and joy) on purpose, and whilst he would be justifiably angry, he would never physically hurt me.

If he's telling you it's your fault then he's not taking any responsibility. He won't change if he doesn't believe he needs to. Would you consider giving women's aid a call? They would be able to talk things through with you. If you leave a message with a time when it's safe to call you back, then they will get back to you as soon as possible.

I'm really worried for you. Please don't believe that your dc is safe. With my xh, I was so sure that because they'd never seen him do anything, that they weren't affected. One day I was sitting with them when he came home from work and started slamming things around (obviously in a mood), and I noticed that my 4 year old looked scared, and the older Ds was visibly shaking :( they didn't need to see the full extent to have learned to walk on eggshells in case of an outburst.

Are there things you could do to make it easier to leave when you are ready? Could you start a savings account and put some money away? Get together important documents like passports and birth certificates and keep it somewhere easily accessible? Maybe with a couple of sets of clothes for you and DC.

If he's casually this violent already, what happened when he really loses it? He already feels he has a right to physically punish you for not doing what he wants. Everything is replaceable except you and your DC

Keep listening to that part of you that knows it's wrong, and that doesn't like it when he treats you like that. It will steer you true.