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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice?

60 replies

Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 19:45

If DH and I have a little argument or I refuse to do something he wants he often grabs the top of one of my arms and squeezes until I give in, he will also whack my thighs or backside (with a remote or brush) if I've pissed him off or done something he doesn't want me too. This is actually an improvement on a couple of years ago, he used to slap me or grab my hair etc.
He agrees that slapping and hair pulling isn't OK (thats why he stopped)but how do I get him to stop the other things? Are there any self help books or anything that I can give him? He is reasonable in most other ways and intelligent so I don't know why he still does this.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:33

Please do your own reading;

www.refuge.org.uk/about-domestic-violence/

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You deserve better Flowers

SewingAndCakes · 17/05/2015 20:34

What steps is he actually taking to change his behaviour? Is he seeking help for anger, or accepting that he is and has physically abused you? Or is the change coming from you?

GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:34

What has he said or done recently that makes you think he wants to stop being abusive?

He is still hitting you. With objects.

Cherryapple1 · 17/05/2015 20:34

he isn't willing to change, he has just changed the type of violence. It doesn't make it any better. Makes it more evil and insidious in my eyes.

Why do you think this is all your deserve? Do you want your son to do this to his wife in the future too?

YellowTulips · 17/05/2015 20:35

Why would you have to be "willing" to stop hitting someone?

The issue is not about willing to stop it - rather than the mindset and mentality that makes it acceptable in the first place.

Add to that the manipulation of a partner into thinking its "normal/acceptable/an improvement" and you need to realise you are dealing with someone who has major issues.

You can't help him with this OP. You can only help yourself and your kids.

SewingAndCakes · 17/05/2015 20:35

Please listen to the posters on here and use their advice Flowers

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:37

Thankyou, I will have a look at those sites.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:37

FWIW I sounded like you at the start. And I stayed much too long and tried to do what you're trying to do.

Make yourself a promise now about what would be "too much" and don't ever move that line.

I have to have another medical procedure soon to help with nerve damage sustained when I was pregnant 17 years ago (caused by my 'D'H).

Be quicker on the uptake than that if you can't fix it OP.

expatinscotland · 17/05/2015 20:39

'I do thing he is willing to change, he has already calmed down the hitting etc'

The only thing he is willing to change is what he hits you with and where, how.

What a sad thread.

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:42

I'm not really sure what would be "too much". How far is too far?

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:44

I've been where you are, OP. bought my ex anger management books. Thing is, he could manage his anger perfectly well: as a tool to control me.

It's hard to accept that the person who is meant to love you actually wants to overpower you.

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:45

You need to decide.

If someone else saw the bruises?

If your child saw him hit you?

If he grabbed your child in anger?

If he broke one of your bones?

If you were hospitalised?

If he attacked your child?

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:45

If he hurt our child I would leave but I have every confidence he wouldn't.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 17/05/2015 20:46

It's already too much, too far in my view.

He's abusing you. He is using physical harm to get his own way. He is hurting you. You know it's not right or you wouldn't be posting.

That's a great start. Now read some of the books/links and keep posting.

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:47

Definitely if he hurt our child in anyway I would leave. I don't ever want her to be hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:48

Strange double post due to connection sorry *

OP posts:
PutWittyUsernameHere · 17/05/2015 20:48

He treats you this way because he believes he is your superior and has a right to make you do his bidding. Even without physical violence this is unacceptable.

^Add message | Report | Message poster Kookiekoo Sun 17-May-15 20:01:26
He only does it in private, our child doesn't see/ hear anything. I know its not right but I don't want to leave him. I'm just want some advice about books etc^

Almost all domestic violence is done in private. That is how violent bullies operate.
Your child may not see hear anything, but they will pick up on the tension, and I'm willing to bet that your partner will either fail to check that your child is not around, or stop caring that they are there.
He knows what he is doing, no book can change the behaviour he chooses to do. Self help books only work on those who want to change. Violent people rarely fit this category, hence the dearth of self help books available for them.

I do hope your situation improves soon, you deserve so much better than this.

PutWittyUsernameHere · 17/05/2015 20:49

Italics fail, sorry!

YellowTulips · 17/05/2015 20:49

Don't you think your kids will be hurt when they realise (which they will) that their father is physically abusing their mother?

Emotional hurt can be just as devastating as physical.

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:50

Well then you are on a time-limit, because once she becomes aware she will be damaged emotionally. And you won't be able to hide it forever.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/05/2015 20:50

Hitting you is too much, love. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

Arsenic · 17/05/2015 20:52

Read as much as you can OP and make a back-up plan.

You don't want to leave now, but that might change, or his behaviour could get worse. So have plans A and B in mind.

Cherryapple1 · 17/05/2015 20:52

He has already gone too far - he did that the first time he hurt you.

Original poster
Kookiekoo · 17/05/2015 20:55

Even if I did want to leave I can't right now. I will read those links.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 17/05/2015 21:00

Good luck.

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