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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still heartbroken after 1yr. How long did it take you to get over your worst breakup?

70 replies

hollieberrie · 10/05/2015 21:12

Just that really. It was a relationship of several years and a very bad breakup (one that i didn't want at all).

I feel like a fool for still feeling this way. (I have name changed for this as don't want to out myself).

Please tell me how long it took you to get over your worst break-up and give me some hope! :)

OP posts:
parabelle · 10/05/2015 21:17

Honestly? A very long time. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself more time. It gets easier.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 21:17

I'm 18 months on. Still get those bad days but they become less and less - I never believed it would when MNers told me it would.

I never went through the angry stage. I was just sad and lost. The physical pain stops and it gets harder to cry.

Friends and family help you get through it. Do you have RL support?

Alwayswiththechords · 10/05/2015 21:29

2 years till I felt sort of ok most of the time, 3 years to be completely over it mentally and emotionally.

Original poster
hollieberrie · 10/05/2015 21:32

Thanks for replying parabelle and cotton. Its good to hear that it gets easier and the tears will flow a little less! Well done both of you for coming so far :)

I think youre right, i do need to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for not being over it yet. I dont have much family support but do have lovely friends. Just dont want to keep imposing on their kindness a year on - feel like i have to pretend i'm fine when really i'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollieberrie · 10/05/2015 21:41

Thanks Always. Glad youre doing well now :) I guess i do feel ok a bit more now than i did 6 months ago so must be on the right track. Was yours a bad breakup too? I think the trauma of the way it ended has really had an impact on the moving on IYSWIM.

OP posts:
drifted2015 · 10/05/2015 21:50

Hollieberrie just saw your thread. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get over it , you just get on with it.

I am six months on from a split. It is little by little and if you have a wobble , don't worry . You keep on there is no magic wand I am afraid I wish there was we would make a fortune.

If I don't post again on this thread , just remember on MN there are literally thousands watching and empathising , some post , it is not obligatory.

But sometimes one person , like me, saying Hollieberrie this is hard & we know it, makes all the difference to your day / evening.

Just be kind to yourself & love yourself because you are a human being & I don't know who you are but strangers are thinking of you , because they post - like me.

Just wanted to add my bit to say it gets ever so slightly easier, but you don't notice until you look back. But keep looking forward too ?

Take good care.

honeyroar · 10/05/2015 22:14

At least two years. But I did move on, did meet someone so much better for me, and can look back over a decade later with very little emotion at all. I know where you are, it hurts, it feels like you'll never get over it and I wanted to kill people who said things happen for a reason. Hugs to you, hang in there.x

parabelle · 10/05/2015 22:26

Should also say, I met someone new who is lovely. You're not imposing on mumsnet. We're here to support each other. Take your time. It does get easier.

TokenGinger · 10/05/2015 22:35

It took me 9 months, however, I do think it would have been much longer had my attention not been stolen by somebody else. I'd got to a point where I still hurt, but I felt a bit better. And one day, somebody asked for my number and I gave it to him. He asked to take me out and that helped speed up the last remaining bit of my "getting over him"'phase.

I'm thankful I didn't do that any earlier than when I was fully ready though, as I know I'd have been rebounding.

Alwayswiththechords · 10/05/2015 22:35

hollieberrie it was a bad breakup. Long relationship, breakup not something I wanted, 3rd person involved, pregnancy.. All the elements of a nightmare. Now I can look back on that time almost from an outsiders view without feeling sad or angry or bitter. You will get there too, you're already on your way even if you feel lost. Just give yourself more time.

Original poster
hollieberrie · 10/05/2015 22:55

Thanks everyone - your kind words help so much. You know what its like, you feel like the only person in the world that's struggling with it, but in fact so many people go through heartbreak and come out the other side. Token parabelle honey - great to hear youve met other people. I really hope that will happen for me one day.

Always thanks for sharing, mine is something very similar. I hope one day i'll be able to look back on it like that too - indifference is my ultimate aim!

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 23:04

you feel like the only person in the world that's struggling with it

YES!! And nobody can truly understand how you feel because your relationship was different, he was different......

But you know what, women on here understand and my situation and yours are not a million miles away from any of the other women on here that have gone and are going through this. That's why I value the opinion on here.

It will get easier no matter how horrible a split it was. Mine involved a 3rd person too, he's living with her now.

Sometimes, you just have to push those thoughts out of your head though and then it becomes a habit to do so and you just do it. That's how it gets easier. Stay strong, this isn't your life forever Flowers

pieceofpurplesky · 10/05/2015 23:07

A year on and I am still really sad. 26 years together and I really didn't want it. He has recently met someone and introduced her to mutual friends (who felt very uncomfortable) and she is the spitting image of me ..

pieceofpurplesky · 10/05/2015 23:16

That should be 16 years

Dowser · 10/05/2015 23:31

Purple sky...I saw that happen before. My friend's husband chose someone just like his wife only his wife was prettier. Both had the same name. It didn't last.

Took me about 2-3 years , married for 33 but the latter months were much easier than the first ones.

Now ten years on I can barely remember the pain.

Pandora37 · 10/05/2015 23:53

You're not the only one - it's been almost a year since I split with my ex and I feel just as traumatised now as I did on that day. Without going into huge details, he was arrested for something very serious so I had no option but to end it. A year on, he still hasn't been convicted (he's been charged but the court process is soooooooo slow) so I haven't been able to tell anyone other than very close family and friends the truth about why we split. That hasn't helped my situation because there's no closure.

A year feels like a long time but it isn't really. A couple of people have said to me it takes 5 years to get over trauma - it may not take you that long but I think it will be at least another 6 months to a year. My first horrible break-up that I had it took me at least 2 years to get over it. I think this one will unfortunately take me a lot longer. I can't imagine ever being able to look back on this without there being pain but it is true what they say about time. So please don't beat yourself up about it.

WellWhoKnew · 11/05/2015 02:04

I've recently changed my mindset from telling myself I should be over it by now (just over one year since my life went tits up) to "I'm going to give myself two years to recover from this". I think that's taken a weight off my mind because I'm no longer 'expecting myself to be over it' but if I have moments when 'I'm cool with it' then all the better. Perhaps you could set a deadline like that yourself?

AdoraBell · 11/05/2015 02:21

5 years. Then I met DH.

Dowser · 11/05/2015 08:00

Even though it's been 11 years for me, the last 7 have been good since meeting my new man.

Original poster
hollieberrie · 11/05/2015 18:55

Thanks everyone, your posts have really helped. I love MN :-)

Cotton thanks, i think i've read some of your posts before. You're right, then only way is onwards and upwards. And yes good to remember that this is not forever, it just feels like it right now! I get some overwhelmed by my feelings, it seems impossible to imagine ever not feeling this awful.

purplesky sorry to hear youre struggling too. Wow, that is a long time. Flowers for you. Hope things will get easier.

Dowser & Adorabell - so pleased youve managed to move on and found happiness with new partners :) Thanks for posting.

Wellwhoknew That sounds like a great idea to not put pressure on yourself. Maybe i need to do something similar. My 1 year deadline has clearly not worked!! ;-) Good luck to you - keep on, keeping on :)

Pandora So sorry to hear about your awful breakup. I think additional trauma / horrendous circumstances like that really add to it. I have a big family trauma all linked into my breakup (wont go into details) but that has definitely intensified it all. My counsellor say years too to get over trauma, and also accepting that it'll never fully go but we can learn to live with it.

Thanks again everyone. Flowers to all of you x

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 11/05/2015 19:05

It's so hard Hollie. I miss him, my life, my future ...

handfulofcottonbuds · 11/05/2015 19:14

Baby steps hollie - sometimes you have to go back to basics and just take it one tiny step at a time.

This will get better Flowers

LividofLondinium · 11/05/2015 19:39

Hollie, if you consider that an end to a relationship is like a death, you're actually grieving for the loss. Consequently it's difficult to put a time frame on it as everyone is different, but it might help to have a look at this and this.

Original poster
hollieberrie · 12/05/2015 19:00

Livid thanks for the links, very helpful and helps me to understand my feelings. Patience is key i think! Its gonna take a long old time and i have to accept that.

Thanks cotton. Hope youre doing well too. The sun keeps on shining eh, we gotta keep plodding on xx

OP posts:
KindleKind · 12/05/2015 21:02

About a year for me so far. Am now on antidepressants and they help me not to feel things so harshly and stop me crying over and over again. Today is a sad day, but they are getting fewer and more spaced out. Still not entirely come to terms with it though.