Still heartbroken after 1yr. How long did it take you to get over your worst breakup?

[hollieberrie]

Just that really. It was a relationship of several years and a very bad breakup (one that i didn't want at all).

I feel like a fool for still feeling this way. (I have name changed for this as don't want to out myself).

Please tell me how long it took you to get over your worst break-up and give me some hope! :)

Thanks for posting Kindle. Sorry to hear youre still struggling a year on, like me. Glad the anti-d's are helping, i was offered them but have gone down the counselling route instead. I know what you mean, i do sometimes have a day where i feel a bit better and it feels so weird! But the fact that they are starting to happen at all can only be a good thing i guess. And yes i mustve cried my own bodyweight in tears too (still doing that a lot )

Purple your post really made me feel for you. I feel that way too - i miss my old life and the future i thought i was going to have. for you x

Thank you Hollie. I can't decide if the fact that his new girlfriend is my double is a good thing or bad. I just miss him, love him and want him. Despite the fact he had been a bastard to me

I think a lot depends on your underlying state of mind at the time as well... Nothing can prepare you for having your heart suddenly broken but your underlying mental health makes a difference.

My "worst" break-up took me nearly three years to recover from even though the relationship itself lasted only about 8 months, partly because it was the first time I had my heart broken, partly because I was in a bad place at the time for other unrelated reasons and partly because I didn't handle it at all well....

The failure of my nine-year marriage was actually easier in some ways, although very unpleasant and even though there's a child involved, because I was well and truly sure the relationship was over.

Trauma is trauma and you have to go through the process. But without wishing to sound too stiff-upper-lip, I think having an underlying optimism about the future, other positive distractions and things to focus on(children/work/friends/projects) makes the world of difference.

Weeping reading this thread, not doing too well ATM, though it's been over two years now, I still cry a lot.
We had been together over thirty years. And I thought we were totally happy, but he left without a word.
He has a shiny new life with someone half his age, but I'm left with just the tatters of how my life should have been.

for all of us.

Allalonenow Sorry to hear that!

I agree that there isn't a 'deadline.' I'm 2 years on and still have the occasional wobble or feelings of pure rage. The feelings do gradually ease and you will be fine. I posted on here when my exP left me unexpectedly and I was in utter shock. Post for as long as you want and get it of your chest.
Don't put pressure on yourself to move faster than you are able. Take it one day at a time. I know its cliched but its true: time is a great healer.

''My "worst" break-up took me nearly three years to recover from .... partly because it was the first time I had my heart broken, partly because I was in a bad place at the time for other unrelated reasons and partly because I didn't handle it at all well....''

• that resonates ...

Sending (flowers) to everyone on this thread that needs them (sounds like most of us could do with some)

oh dear still not mastered the art of mumsnet emoticons. Must try harder : )

me too allalone . some for you and everyone else and maybe a for later?

hollieberrie It is 3 years for me. As pieceofpurplesky said, I am still grieving for the loss of the future that I thought I had. My 7yo DD is only now starting to process the lack of her dad in her life every day. It is hard dealing with her sadness as well.

BUT I am over the initial sadness, grief and trauma... when XH left it was so unexpected and such a shock that I was not in any sort of state to be able to deal with it. But over time, it does get better. I felt much better after 2 years.

it's just that in my case a whole chain of events dragged everything up again last year, just when I was starting to feel better about everything. XH admitting the affair, OW left her H, pregnancy announced...

I did see somebody else for a few months last year and that helped me to move on. It helped me to see that there could be somebody else out there, and most importantly, that I could be with somebody else who wasn't XH.

I am having pschyotherapy at the moment. Initially I was on AD's and counselling.

The pschye said that it takes as long as it takes, that there is no timescale and that nobody else has the right to tell you how you should be feeling.

hello to my fellow broken-hearted :)
Thanks for your posts. It really helps to know we're not alone.

Allalonenow I've just finished a bit of a sob myself! I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup, cant imagine how hard it is, keep going, you will get there, we all will. for you.

Wise words newname - i can feel a tiny little bit of optimism from time to time, so hopefully it'll grow.

Potato & Skye it was such a shock for me too. Skye, cant imagine how hard it is to have it all brought up again last year. My counsellor also says that it will take a long time to move on from and to accept that i may never fully get over it. 18 - 24 months to start to feel better was her estimate.

for everyone, thank you for replying xx

I am just obsessed with the new girlfriend - why oh why choose someone who looks just like me (even has dimples)

I was told it takes a month for every year you were together. In my case 21 years, I would say it took me less time to get over the husband than it did the family life together. Mourning the loss of the family life we had took about 3 years.
One day you will be properly happy again, you don't think you ever will be but you will. Fours years after splitting up I met the man who I am now so thrilled to be married to, he is my great, great love.

Not something I would admit to in rl but I think in many ways I am still getting over my ex.
I was with him for 7 years with a short break in the middle. It was not a good relationship. It was very toxic at times and he was a massive emotional abuser. He turned out to be a very nasty man indeed. I should have left him but I was broken by him in true ea fashion and I didn't think I could cope without him.
My release from this was when he decided to break up with me as he has been cheating with a 21 year old (he was 28) that he'd met and slept with on a mates stag do. I went to the wedding of that mate. My ex had been verbally abusive on the way home and punched a bus shelter.
We had to live together for 5 months after we broke up as we'd only just moved to a new area.
It was hard but I grew to love him less and less each day. I stopped feeling heartbroken after a few months.

It's now been almost 4 years.
I now have a wonderful partner and an 11 week old daughter. My life is very different. I have restored my relationship with my family and friends. I can be myself again.
But if I'm honest, I am not completely over him. I've got too many emotional wounds to heal, but I am getting there. I have bad days, nightmares about him, see photos of good times on people's fb time hops. But I will get there.
And you will too.

Thanks for posting your story LancashireTea Your point on having emotional wounds to still heal really resonates with me. It's a process and by no means is it a straight forward one.

pieceofpurplesky Please don't torture yourself about his new girlfriend. That way madness lies. It's normal to think about the new girlfriend and wonder what they have or vice versa but don't let it become the norm. Tell yourself that this is enough now. A good piece of advice that I read on here once was: "This too shall pass." Be kind to yourself

I have had 2 bad break ups over my life.

The first one, I ended it and then "realised" I had made a mistake, I mourned the guy for 3 years, but as some people said above, time helps and eventually I moved on. I met him 14 years later and at that point I knew ending it wasn't a mistake after all.

The second one, much older, we broke up just after he had told his parents and mine that we were going to marry. It hurt like hell but I was ready to move on within six months. The things that things that helped were:

• write a list of all the negatives and the reasons why the relationship ended early on. Thanks to this list I didn't idealise him while I was missing him.
• I said to myself that I was not going to fight my feelings, and that I was going to love him until I forgot about him. Accepting my feelings took a lot of drama off the equation, I loved him for what we had, which meant I could forgive him and eventually I moved on.
• I didn't sit still at home when I was sad, I went out, met with friends, who patiently heard me, and were kind enough to be mean to me to get me back to reality, when I started to raise my hopes.
• if you perceive yourself as a victim, you will find i more difficult to move on as the onus is on the person that hurt you, while if you accept that you had a bit of responsibility on why things went bad, you are back in the driving seat.

I have good days and bad - the introduction of the new girlfriend who is just like me has really messed my head up though

Purplesky why does it mess your head up to know your ex has chosen someone that shares certain characteristics with you (probably quite a number of women do!)

You should be reassured in a way - there are things about your relationship that he wants to duplicate (although also things that he doesn't presumably too).

Presumably there are aspects of your former relationship with your ex that you too would like to duplicate in another rlshp? Otherwise you wouldn't have bothered with him at all?

But equally there were things wrong with your rlshp with ex that you would prefer to learn from and do differently next time? May be being more vocal and assertive about what you want and be ready to dump if it's not compatible with what he wants too?

Relationships are not black and white, some are fairly good on balance, some not. You have to decide where the line is for yourself.

The main thing is to be sure to enjoy your time single so that you know life is good either way.

Bunch this is a thread about not being able to get over a lost love ....

And no there was nothing wrong with my relationship until he had a breakdown/midlife crisis

Hi all seen some sad stoires here sorry to here . But iam also figthn this demon its been 10mothn from no contac from her and 7mothn mothn i desided i need to say it woz over for my self cose lets just say she never ended it . And it wox a online reshipe but we spoke every day cam voice the lot woz a proper reshipe . But its 10mothn dwn the line and i still feel so dam low some related stoires would be nice or just some one els still hurt cose i feel shamed i feel lost the works

My 10 year relationship with my 'soulmate' took 5 years, I went to such a dark place, I wanted to end it all. He left me.

A few weeks ago, I ended a 14 year relationship. My decision to leave due to infidelity. I can't stop crying and feel like shit but I am not going to take 5 years this time. I think WWK's idea of a deadline is a great idea.

We all deserve better.

Hi sorry to here that . Iam in dark place to . Never feel like gonna get out

I'm not going to help by saying this but for me it is more painful and sad now three years on than it was in the early months.

At first there was the shock, then the springing into action as everything changed, then there was the feeling free bit.

My split got very messy though and the divorce process was very complicated and drawn out.

Life is way harder for me now and being a single parent is not what I signed up for.

I wasn't even 'heartbroken' as such. I didn't want to be with him any more, But I still feel sadness at what could have been and anger at how he behaved through it all.

Cant feel all it pain cose iam not a father but . I feel the sadness all the same . And the ones we loved or still do went from love to not care that fast make no sence .

In not broken-hearted in a romantic sense so I can't relate in that way but I am broken-hearted in another relational way (sorry to be mysterious - I suppose it all comes under the heading of betrayal?). To me it is like a bereavement - and they notoriously take time. The first year, or probably two, is just immense shock. Beside yourself kind of thing. Can't compute what has happened. Then an acceptance creeps in, a coming to terms. All this takes a long time though. I don't think there's a time limit to it, per se; no wrong or right way, no set time.

Though I think one year is early days.