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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is a red flag isn't it?

74 replies

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 08:16

Been dating someone since feb. it's nice and we get on fab, but there's been no progression as all. I asked where we were going etc, he said that he's enjoying how things are and he'd like our current status to continue for the next 12-18 months. He likes that we see each other twice a week, but likes that he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself, not answer to anyone but himself etc.

I said that it doesn't feel that we are creating anything meaningful like this and he said he thought we wasn't to take things slowly?

It's worth me noting, he is an ex from a couple of years ago!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 10/05/2015 08:19

Yeah, don't date an ex in the first place! There is a reason why they are an ex.

Problem is, if you are spending your spare time with him then you aren't getting out and finding someone who is a keeper.

ALaughAMinute · 10/05/2015 08:19

It sounds as if he's happy to have you as a fuckbuddy. If you're looking for something more serious, I think you should look elsewhere.

Only1scoop · 10/05/2015 08:19

Since this feb? So you have been seeing him not even 3 months?

That's not long really is it?

What split you up last time?

SisterJulienne · 10/05/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 10/05/2015 08:20

And ex for a reason

sebsmummy1 · 10/05/2015 08:21

Depends. What do you want from a relationship? If it's marriage and children then this isn't the guy for you. If it's regular sex without having to pick up his skids from the floor and wash them, then I think you've found just the guy!

paxtecum · 10/05/2015 08:21

I can see it from his POV.
Last year my cousin dated some one from Feb, by July she was commenting how silly it was for them both to be paying for rent and household bills on two houses and it would make sense to move in together. They did see each other more than twice a week.
He resisted so she dumped him before the end of the year.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 08:22

I agree, never go backwards.

It depends what you want in this situation, if it's more then you need to say bye.....for good this time Smile

Original poster
msreddotty · 10/05/2015 08:26

I don't want marriage ever again, but would definitely like another child (I have one).

I dated before him and it just felt that things were progressing because with those men, I just wanted to see them all the time (I didn't, but wanted too iyswim).

With this guy I've not had any feelings of a honeymoon period. I have no urge to see him everyday, nor do I want to rip his clothes off and jump on him.

Yet I look forward to our weekend together as we have a great time.

We split because he cheated.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2015 08:27

It's not a red flag no. I think, after three months, he's being sensible.

What do you want to happen?

Fairylea · 10/05/2015 08:29

He cheated?! Why would you even entertain giving him a second chance? I wouldn't even lend a cup of sugar to someone who cheated on me. (Ex Husband left for another woman - a girlfriend he'd had before me he'd found on Facebook).

You can do better than this.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 08:32

He cheated?! Now he's keeping you at arm's length for the next 12-18 months? And you ask this question?

Seriously, bend down, pick up your pride and move on.

You can do better than this!!

Bursarymum · 10/05/2015 08:34

I wouldn't choose to go back with someone who cheated. Not ever.

Original poster
msreddotty · 10/05/2015 08:43

I know he cheated, but I believe that people can, and do, change. But I'm not feeling any effort.

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 08:47

...but he's keeping you at arm's length and you sound like you want more than what he's offering you.

Also, you don't sound that into him yourself.

Maybe cheaters can change but if he's done this to you in the past and the opportunity arises again for him, would he take it knowing you accepted it once before? After all, it sounds like it's just casual to him anyway.

Joysmum · 10/05/2015 08:48

Doesn't have to answer to anyone else?

That's not how I'd describe my marriage. I don't answer to anyone, I consider them in my action though because they are important enough to me that I wouldnt want my actions to affect them negatively.

Seeing that as a negative means he's right, he's not relationship material so he's being perfectly honest with you there.

Only1scoop · 10/05/2015 08:49

But you describe 'no honeymoon period' ....'not wanting to rip his clothes off' etc....

Why would YOU want things to move on with him?

Unless I've read post wrong?

ALaughAMinute · 10/05/2015 09:13

The more you tell us about him, the more he sounds like bad news. Move on.

pictish · 10/05/2015 09:16

No it's not a red flag. He's outlining a sensible approach to this very new relationship.
As regards him being an ex who cheated...I'm not sure why out of all the men you could have, you'd go back there. Knowing what you know about him.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 09:17

deary me

what is the point of this relationship ?

is it meant to be exclusive, because I would seriously doubt it is on his side

tribpot · 10/05/2015 09:19

It doesn't sound like he tried very hard to win you back, or to overcome the very significant problem of the fact that he cheated on you. I don't understand why you're bothering - especially as you have different long term aims.

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 10/05/2015 09:23

Oh dear please dump and run. He's using you so badly. x

Original poster
msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:30

I think I wanted things to work because we have a child together and so I wanted our family to work.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 09:31

It's not working

you would be a fool to have another child with him

Original poster
msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:33

Thank you all for your support. I'm a forgiving person to a fault. Seeing things written down has helped me put things in perspective.

OP posts: