Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

This is a red flag isn't it?

74 replies

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 08:16

Been dating someone since feb. it's nice and we get on fab, but there's been no progression as all. I asked where we were going etc, he said that he's enjoying how things are and he'd like our current status to continue for the next 12-18 months. He likes that we see each other twice a week, but likes that he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself, not answer to anyone but himself etc.

I said that it doesn't feel that we are creating anything meaningful like this and he said he thought we wasn't to take things slowly?

It's worth me noting, he is an ex from a couple of years ago!

OP posts:

Report

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 11:23

I'm looking to share my life with someone, properly.

That's not what this man is offering, though. So end the date nights and keep looking.

Estcal · 11/05/2015 11:17

"being moaned about for dripfeeding is not constructive or very supportive."

How can you expect to get constructive, supportive and objective advice when you leave out these rather important facts about this person you are 'seeing' ?

He :

is your child's father
is your EX HUSBAND - I CBA doing advanced search but I remember your other thread because I'd been in a similar situation with my ex after we divorced
you divorced him for cheating on you

seriously? You don't think any of that is relevant to getting constructive advice?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/05/2015 16:37

I know someone like this had a DC with the father. Father ended up groping her sister at their DD's christening, they then broke up he gave her £50 a month maintenance but they got back together for sex. He also had another relationship and baby inbetween. When they eventually got back together for good it was a year off when his DD would start school and my friend said one reason she was back with him (she couldn't meet anyone else partly she said some men were put off her being a single mum) was "he was the father of her child". This is despite him hitting her being violent in front of her DD etc.

My point is (she's tried and failed to have another DC with this man is that if it's not working its not working. There shouldn't be a child or the promise of another child to lure into the relationship or patch it up.

I've got no idea how my friend is doing apart from she's not engaged to the father of her dd anymore. I just hope she's not taking his shit.

Again op walk away get your own confidence sorted and don't have another kid with this man!

Isetan · 10/05/2015 16:08

You're not dating! You're hooking up and that's all he wants for at least the next 12 months. This time he's being upfront, you however are in denial because you don't want him, you want the convenience of having a second child and a family with the father of your first.

This train wreck isn't fair on your daughter, who doesn't need the confusion of her parents on/off hook up.

Let it him go.

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 10/05/2015 15:17

But it is constructive advice to tell you not to drip feed! not particularly. It may be relevant for future threads but it's too late for this one.

Now you know the facts maybe it's time to offer advice or at least let go of your point about drip feeding.

Cabrinha · 10/05/2015 13:37

But it is constructive advice to tell you not to drip feed!

You're a mug, he's using you.
He CHEATED. Get some pride woman.

SelfLoathing · 10/05/2015 13:18

My dd goes to her dads for the 3 nights.

So let me get this straight. . . your daughter has routine where she spends 3 nights a week with this Ex (who is her father) who you are now "dating" but he "likes that [you] see each other twice a week, but likes that he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself, not answer to anyone but himself"???

This does not bode well.

He cheated on you when your child was 2 months old. Not a good sign.

Then you split up.

Given that you have a child together, it is not unreasonable (if you are "dating" (not sure that is the right word here btw) to expect that this is a sign of re-commitment to you and the child you have together. But he's made it very clear that's not what is going on.

Sounds to me like he is just using you for convenient sex because it suits him right now - and he's tol d you as much that it's a "right now" situation for him.

I can see you will persist in any event but you need to prepare yourself for serious heartbreak when he meets someone he is actually into.

category1 · 10/05/2015 13:12

Basically you're not excited by the relationship and it's not going anywhere, but it's mighty convenient, especially to him.

First off, it should be fun and there should be clothes tearing lust.

Second, someone who cheated on you isn't a good bet for not cheating on you again.

I think you could and should do better than this.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2015 12:48

How can I give you "an objective response to your situation" if I don't know what the situation is!

tribpot · 10/05/2015 12:21

If you wanted to get opinion about this guy purely as someone you'd been in a relationship before, you needed to stick to that line and not suddenly admit he is your child's father. But the trouble is, the fact he is your child's father is relevant because it has a bearing in your desire for a second child with him rather than some other random ex.

Now I think your story has got muddled - the timelines don't appear to line up as Filthy says. And what appeared to be dating is actually just sex during contact visits?

AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 12:12

how can people be truly objective if you omit what is actually a massive consideration

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 12:10

Whilst I appreciate that this post comes across like I'm drip feeding, i
Didn't mean for it to be. I had hoped on the surface id be able to get an objective response to my situation. I came on here as I have no one in real life to talk to and being moaned about for dripfeeding is not constructive or very supportive.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2015 11:59

And now you tell us he's your dd's father. That has to be the drippiest feediest ever!

Miggsie · 10/05/2015 11:58

You are with him through habit, not because you enjoy it.
Think of him as a bad habit you need to break.

You may meet someone who actually likes you!

BitOutOfPractice · 10/05/2015 11:56

Cross posted with you saying he cheated. I'd call it a day tbh

VanitasVanitatum · 10/05/2015 11:42

I'm not sure he's the dd's dad..?

Whathaveilost · 10/05/2015 11:25

But they are an ex for a reason and the reason was there wasn't enough love, honesty, magic, sparkle or whatever to sustain a long term relationship.
Downer, the OP has done a massive drip feed? I can only comment on the info I had at the time. She failed to mention a lot of relevant facts.

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 10/05/2015 11:24

It is a bit confusing. I think OP means that they share nights and that he also comes to visit when her dd is with her.

OP wants to rekindle things but he is happy just to come round and use her for sex (sorry to be blunt) as well as getting on well with her.

He doesn't want to get back together, but OP does, and also wants another child with him.

It's not looking good.

Only1scoop · 10/05/2015 11:14

Eh confusing and drippy

Filthyandgorgeous · 10/05/2015 11:08

I'm getting confused now. You say 'we split up years ago.' Yet your daughter is too young to know that her mother and father are in a relationship. But you have a family day together on a Sunday and he comes round after work?

tribpot · 10/05/2015 11:04

Wow, that's a serious dripfeed. This guy is your child's father?! In addition to a highly casual dating relationship you also have 'family days' on Sundays - is that a date? Or is that something you were doing before you were dating and would do after you stopped dating?

I don't think this is the kind of statement you should be wanting to hear from him:

He likes that he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself

Lweji · 10/05/2015 10:38

He has told you what he expects from the "relationship", which is nothing. Not worrying about you, not answer to you.
He cheated previously. He may well sleeping with other people at the moment. (I hope he is using condoms)

You are, in fact, not much more than fuckbuddies.

I'd say this is not the person to have a child with. And the sooner you drop him the greater the chance of you finding someone you can actually have a relationship with and have a child with.
Even if you don't marry that person, or even don't live together, do find someone who is prepared to actually father a child. This man doesn't sound like he would be a particularly good dad.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Estcal · 10/05/2015 10:34

Drip feeding much?!
"I'm dating someone"....
oh but I won't mention this someone is my exH and the father of my daughter in my OP. I'll let those details surface as the thread progresses.

Not having a go at you OP, but you neglecting to put those rather essential details in your OP tells me that you only want us to tell you what you want to hear.

I remember you from a thread a couple of months ago. I'd been in a similar situation, started dating my exH again. I didn't post on that thread because it seemed pointless, my experience had been completely different to yours. We had a honeymoon period at the beginning and it was clear that the relationship was progressing at a sensible but positive pace.
I don't see that here for you. I'm sorry.

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 10/05/2015 10:30

Ok.

Have you spoken to him about wanting another child? If it happened how would be react do you think?

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 10:05

My dd goes to her dads for the 3 nights.

OP posts:

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.