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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

This is a red flag isn't it?

74 replies

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 08:16

Been dating someone since feb. it's nice and we get on fab, but there's been no progression as all. I asked where we were going etc, he said that he's enjoying how things are and he'd like our current status to continue for the next 12-18 months. He likes that we see each other twice a week, but likes that he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself, not answer to anyone but himself etc.

I said that it doesn't feel that we are creating anything meaningful like this and he said he thought we wasn't to take things slowly?

It's worth me noting, he is an ex from a couple of years ago!

OP posts:

Report

Whathaveilost · 10/05/2015 09:38

And ex for a reason

Bloody hate this being pulled out every time ome goes out with an ex.
Not all relationships end on a negative note you know.

You have only been dating him sine February. Approx 3 months. If someone wa pushing me for more commitment in that time I would be freaked out. I would see you as the red flag especially as you only want a child and not marriage.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 09:41

whatihavelost - he was an ex because he cheated on the OP. I'd say that was a pretty negative ending to their relationship first time round.

Filthyandgorgeous · 10/05/2015 09:41

Eh? You're 'dating' the father of your child?

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/05/2015 09:41

Oops, sorry for getting your NN wrong

Pollyswall · 10/05/2015 09:42

Does he have your child on his own, or is he combining seeing you twice a week with having family time?

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:45

Oh dear!

Doesn't sound like good long term material to me.

It sounds like you have a happy family fantasy in your head while you are his miss right now.

Why do you want to go back to a cheat and a liar. Don't you want to meet someone who is honest, full of integrity and wouldn't cheat if his life depended on it.

Don't you want someone who will be there through thick and thin. Who you can trust implicitly.

If so?

Why are you with him?

Whathaveilost · 10/05/2015 09:45

he was an ex because he cheated on the OP. I'd say that was a pretty negative ending to their relationship first time round.

I'm not stupid, I get that bit the he's an ex for a reason remarks came in before OP had disclosed that. Also it gets trotted out ever time some one mentions they are seeing an ex.

theendoftheendoftheend · 10/05/2015 09:47

Oh no OP I did this, it was a terrible idea run away! The fact he's the father makes it a very different situation, he basically wants to have his cake and eat it.
Its hard to walk away from though I know

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:47

Just seen 'far from the madding crowd' and I'm afraid Gabriel Oak has set the bar!

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:47

Filthy, we split years ago.

OP posts:

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:48

But they are an ex for a reason and the reason was there wasn't enough love, honesty, magic, sparkle or whatever to sustain a long term relationship.

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:50

I wasn't asking where this was going because of commitment, but I suppose it just felt that we were more friends who hang out rather than dating.

I never realised dating an ex would be so hard.

OP posts:

Pollyswall · 10/05/2015 09:52

But how does your child feature in this?

ALaughAMinute · 10/05/2015 09:52

You asked if this is a red flag and it is, so move on!

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:53

The end. That's what it feels like. Him having his cake etc. I've said that to him. If I wasn't looking for a relationship it wouldn't matter, but I am. I'm looking to share my life with someone, properly.

OP posts:

Filthyandgorgeous · 10/05/2015 09:53

Where does your child fit into this arrangement? Does he/she think their parents are back together?

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:55

Polly. I have my dd 4 nights a week. He pops round one night to visit us after work. Stays til about 730. We'll then have a family day on a Sunday.

OP posts:

Dowser · 10/05/2015 09:55

Matthias Schoenarts....

Seems to be red hot right now.

Go and see it girls and fill your boots.

( reaches for heart pills and electric fan!)

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 09:56

Filthy, no she doesn't have a clue. She's to young to think that. She's never known us to be together either as she was so small when we split. His affair started when she was two months old.

OP posts:

magoria · 10/05/2015 09:57

Without the history I would say asking someone where it was going in 3 months and working out how the progression should be was the red flag.

With the history. Why did you go back!

It didn't work the first time. There doesn't appear to be to be much more this time so what is to stop the same happening.

YorkieButtonsizeMen · 10/05/2015 09:59

Sorry am I missing something - you have your dd four nights a week, who has her the other three? Clearly not her father?

AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 10:00

where does your dd go the other 3 nights of the week ?

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Dowser · 10/05/2015 10:00

Mrs Dotty, it seems like your desire for a relationship is clouding your judgement and you are ignoring your inner voice.

You are wanting to share your life with someone ,properly. Then you need someone proper.

This one has tried and failed. Someone up thread is right while you are spending time with him you are not leaving yourself open to finding someone who will set your heart alight so much that you want to rip their clothes off then and jump on him .

SuperFlyHigh · 10/05/2015 10:01

God good this is all shades of messed up! All depends what you want and he wants but I can sort of see why he's around (for his DC) and why you want him around. The cheating I couldn't see past. To be honest I can't tell if it went downhill before or after you had a baby... But now - well I want someone to make me feel happy etc and not to feel like I think you do which is sloppy seconds (after the affair).

You can do so much better please ditch him.

msreddotty · 10/05/2015 10:05

My dd goes to her dads for the 3 nights.

OP posts:

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