Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is hubby an ass or should i try harder ?

74 replies

Debbylou · 04/01/2015 14:13

Been married just over a year, together 4yrs 1ds age 3 and 6months preg. Hubby works 12hr shifts days and nights , I do all housework cooking childcare and bill paying, he always says he will help on his days off never does , he wants sex regularly and gets in a mood when I turn him down . I'm just too tired all I want to do when I get in bed is sleep and have even less desire for it first thing in the morning after he has done a night shift. He has told me I am not trying to keep our relationship going because I don't want sex. I don't know if im wrong or he is , I feel like a dogs body , im exausted and all it seems he cares about is wether he gets it or not .

OP posts:
esiotrot2015 · 04/01/2015 14:17

Oh that sounds hard Hmm
Don't think I'd be wanting sex at six months pregnant either
He sounds an ass

Wolfiefan · 04/01/2015 14:20

Ass!
HTH

muddylettuce · 04/01/2015 14:21

An ass. So you shoulder all responsibility and you're not trying?

heyday · 04/01/2015 14:23

He sounds like a pretty typical man to me.
You will probably find that the more sex you have, the more sex he will want. It's sadly one of the main areas where men and women frequently differ.
So many women say the same thing as you; that man gets moody if he does not get sex. There needs to be some compromise here but I do think that compromise is going to mean you agreeing to more sex and him changing absolutely nothing.
Most of my friends who are still in successful, reasonably happy relationships seem to be ensuring that they ensure frequent sex. I know I couldn't be so accommodating but that's probably why I am single.
You could try telling him that if he helped out more with housework and childcare you might be less tired and therefore more likely to be up for sex but in all honesty I don't really think you are going to get very far.
He is obviously up for sex all the time but you are not. Somehow you will have to talk about this or else your relationship will really suffer due to the resentment and frustration you both feel.

petalsandstars · 04/01/2015 14:25

An ass - he needs to step up and pull his weight in family life and stop being so selfish

RubbishMantra · 04/01/2015 14:26

It doesn't sound as if he's doing anything to keep the relationship going. I'd be furious and resentful if my partner expected me to do the housework, childcare etc. without ever helping out, and expecting to be serviced when i was shattered. And all that whilst 6 months pregnant! Shock

He should try harder, and yes, he's an arse.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2015 14:28

That is not a typical man, that is a typical are hole

you don't owe him sex and the not so subtle threats that he will leave you if you don't open your legs are out of order

I wouldn't have sex with a man like that either

AnyFucker · 04/01/2015 14:28

*arsehole

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 14:32

There's a very off-colour, sexist joke that goes.... 'What does WIFE stand for? Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.....' It's not funny but I think it sums up your husband's attitude to women ie. subservient.

Tell him that you'd find him a lot more attractive if he wasn't such a lazy, selfish arse...

Milmingebag · 04/01/2015 14:33

He sounds like an entitled, sexist pig.

Tell him to have a wank.

He should be helping out on his day off or when do you get a break?

You are heavily pregnant as well. Good god this man needs a reality check.

Seriously think about what sort of person pressurises another into sex and the sort of person who could have sex with a partner who isn't in the mood.
That's abusive behaviour.

Don't tolerate this shit.

Catzeyess · 04/01/2015 14:34

I'm not surprised you are not in the mood. He is totally wrong to be demanding sex, but I wouldn't say he was an ass from the information you have given. You both sound completely wiped out.

Sounds to be like you need a break and some reconnection time, any chance you could have a child free day/evening together?

Have you chatted to him about sex? I can understand his frustration too! Being with a partner who doesn't want sex is very frustrating - doesnt mean he should demand it, but you should probably have an honest conversation about it.

FelicityGubbins · 04/01/2015 14:35

Draw up a reward chart, 2 hours spent with his daughter, washing the dishes and scrubbing the toilet earns him a blow job etc, then present it to him along with a "best get working on keeping your relationship going darling"
Then laugh and tell him to fuck off...

Tyzer85 · 04/01/2015 14:35

That is not a typical man, I'd be having words.

FelicityGubbins · 04/01/2015 14:36

ds, not daughter.

RubbishMantra · 04/01/2015 14:44

I dearly hope OP takes your advice Felicity... Imagining the Shock and Sad look on his face, in the realisation he scrubbed the toilet in vain.

ohmychrist · 04/01/2015 14:47

He's a twat. You didn't know him long before you got pregnant by him!

TheHermitCrab · 04/01/2015 14:51

heyday - bitter much?

Thank god I don't have a typical man then ay?

I'm 38 Weeks pregnant, only just started mat. leave. From the beginning of my pregnancy I've gone from being crazy horny, to being disgusted at the thought of being touched full stop. He understands completely and never brings it up or bitter. Now I'm 38 weeks I can barely turn myself over in bed and going to the loo does my head in, I brought it up with him because we probably haven't had real sex in over a month (we've "satisfied" each other lol but not penetrative, I can't handle it!) We're only in our 20s and so I asked him about it. He told me not to be stupid and it was quite clear why we wouldn't be the same in bed. He thought I was daft bringing it up when I can't even get off the sofa without a fuss! haha.

Your man is not normal, he's being selfish and demanding. You already have a child so it's not as if he's going in blind not knowing what you can/can't cope with.

How many 12hr shifts does he do? When I was working 12hr shifts I only worked 3 days a week, so I had plenty of time off, me time, and housework time even with day/night swaps. Maybe if he picked up more of the load you'd be a much better mood with him. Nobody wants to have sex with a lazy demanding nob who's blaming you.

Deerhound · 04/01/2015 15:03

I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh on the husband here. Of course he shouldn't "demand" sex (and doing so is arse-y behaviour) , but he works 12 hour shifts, including nights (which are a fucker physically, mentally and emotionally) so you can't really call him lazy.

As cat says, both parties sound wiped out.

Op, if you weren't so exhausted would you want to have sex with him?

If not, is this due to your pregnancy or some other reason?

You need to work out some sort of compromise.. I don't mean a shagging him when you don't really want to, but working out how you can change things so that you want to more often, and also revising his expectations of frequency down!

Milmingebag · 04/01/2015 15:11

He may well work twelve hour shifts but the OP is on duty all the bloody time without a break- so cut the crap.

His behaviour is that of an arsewipe.

TheHermitCrab · 04/01/2015 15:12

I think a lot of people are being a bit harsh on the husband here. Of course he shouldn't "demand" sex (and doing so is arse-y behaviour) , but he works 12 hour shifts, including nights (which are a fucker physically, men tally and emotionally) so you can't really call him lazy.

I worked 12 hour shifts, depends how many you do. I chose them because they were more convenient, got my working week over with much quicker, and had more full days or extra time at home instead of split into 6am get up and 6pm get home 5 days a week I do now even though I only work 8 hr days. All depends on the shift split.

And he is lazy. If he is happy to put the effort into sex for their relationship and wants his 6 months pregnant partner to do the same, why not the house work? I'm guessing if she wanted to do other things that weren't sex to improve the relationship he wouldn't be interested. He's just being nasty and manipulative for sex and making her feel guilty. Which would only get him a kick in the nads from me.

LadyBlaBlah · 04/01/2015 15:13

He sounds very uncaring and unkind.

The biggest turn offs.

I think you are at risk of some PND if you don't look to initiate some change in this relationship.

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 15:21

From the sounds of the OP, she doesn't work. Why is he lazy for having a job? Should he them really be expected to come home and do the housework when the OP is home all day. There might be the odd job you can't do at six months pregnant but the majority can be done and housework takes an hour a day max.

The incompatibility re sex is common though, most relationships I would imagine have it at some point. Neither party is wrong, just different wants and desires.

TheHermitCrab · 04/01/2015 15:26

DaisyFlowerChain nobody is saying he should do all the housework. They are saying he could lift a finger instead of coming home, doing nothing, expecting sex, and then telling her she's not putting the effort into the relationship, while they have one child and one on the way.

And his way to react is to sulk when he doesn't get sex.

My opinions on SAHMs are irrelevant in this. So I'm purposely keeping my mouth shut about it.

And one thing I can't stand - somebody saying what a pregnant woman should or shouldn't be able to do at a certain month... nobody knows except the person carrying the child how their body is coping, everyone is different.

He's not interested in the relationship, just the sex.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 15:29

He is not a typical man, what a stupid, offensive thing to say Heyday.

I think this goes beyond being an arse OP. It's not ok for him to treat like you his skivvy and to put pressure on you to have sex. There's a name for having sex with someone because you are bullied in to it and don't feel that you can say 'no'.

Milmingebag · 04/01/2015 15:29

I don't think you can say housework takes an hour an day in a family household. You don't know what the op does. She may make all her meals from scratch, put three loads of laundry on and iron it etc.

She is also taking care of a child.

If you work out what she would be paying others to come in to do all the jobs she does unpaid- you would understand how valuable her contribution is to the family.

The sexism on this thread is rife.

Swipe left for the next trending thread