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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is hubby an ass or should i try harder ?

74 replies

Debbylou · 04/01/2015 14:13

Been married just over a year, together 4yrs 1ds age 3 and 6months preg. Hubby works 12hr shifts days and nights , I do all housework cooking childcare and bill paying, he always says he will help on his days off never does , he wants sex regularly and gets in a mood when I turn him down . I'm just too tired all I want to do when I get in bed is sleep and have even less desire for it first thing in the morning after he has done a night shift. He has told me I am not trying to keep our relationship going because I don't want sex. I don't know if im wrong or he is , I feel like a dogs body , im exausted and all it seems he cares about is wether he gets it or not .

OP posts:
Deerhound · 04/01/2015 15:43

Thehermitcrab: it was more the night shifts than the 12 hours that I was referring to. I've worked night shifts mixed with day shifts and it really fucked me up. I agree that it depends on the exact shift pattern (and individual's body clock) though.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 04/01/2015 15:47

What milmingebag said.

He's a selfish arse.

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 15:54

I too have done 12 hour shifts and swapped from days to nights, it's a killer. The OP doesn't say how many hours he does a week and what his commute on top of this is.

Tbh I think if the OP wasn't pregant I don't think it's an unreasonable split for the SAHP to do all the household chores and childcare. Pregnancy is obviously different as its knackering for some.

Whoever works in our household does more hours than the person who doesn't. So in general I'd expect to batch cook to make meals easier and less washing and tidying up in the evening do all we had to do was play with the monster and relax. Everything could be fitted into the hours my DH was out of the house.

As far as sex goes, if my DH presurised me or had any expectations he'd be told to fuck right off in no uncertain terms. Likewise if I'm having an off week he'll do whatever I want him to as he knows I pull my weight and wouldn't take the mick.

Original poster
Debbylou · 04/01/2015 16:10

It will be 5yrs in may but this behavior started about about 3or 4 months into married life , hence the reason for my post , I should also mention he has two daughters from his previous marriage who stay regularly , who I also become entertainer for while he sits and literally does nothing . I am sympathetic when he says he is tired and of course he has a rite to relax after work/on his day off but within reason , I'm on shift 24/7 i haven't had a day off for god knows how long i am sahm and i wouldn't have it any other way but housework certainly isn't all done in hour by the time i cleaned the house it needs doing again , meals are cooked as and when required which usually means i cook twice each night once for ds once for hubby , i don't expect him to do much just a little help here and there do the dishes , take out the rubbish maybe walk the dog during his 3 days off , instead of sitting there watching me run around doing everything, then have the cheek to turn around when i say I'm tired and say how can you be tired .

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 04/01/2015 16:18

Hy not take a day off? Say that since he thinks you don't do anything, he can do it all for a day. Take to your bed/go out and leave him to it.

Or make a list of all chores that need to be doing, how long they take etc, and suggest how best you can split them up.

I'd also cook once and reheat for dh - why cook a separate meal for him?

But sounds like you have an uphill battle. He sounds like a lazy ass.

Lweji · 04/01/2015 16:24

You shouldn't bad mouth asses by comparing those poor animals to your OH.
Arse it is.

It's not surprising that this behaviour started months after you got married. He knows you will find it harder to leave a husband than a partner. And you are pregnant with your second too. From about four months after you got married? That is another tipping point for abusers. (which he sounds like, bth).

For now, I think you should prepare yourself to get a foot out the door, or be prepared to chuck him out unless he starts doing his bit at home and not pressure you for sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 16:24

So are you saying he was nice enough to get you down the aisle but, ever since, he's taken you for granted? I'm sure he wouldn't be the only one who takes the attitude that with a ring on your finger and no independent source of income he effectively 'owns your ass' as they might say in he US. He clearly doesn't think you have any choice but to stick around.

I think you're going to have to be more assertive short term. No more trying to be Wife of the Year cooking separate meals etc. Challenge his assumption that you have no alternatives.

Original poster
Debbylou · 04/01/2015 16:31

He doesn't eat re-heated food so have to cook around 4pm for DS and 7pm for hubby he gets home 8pm after a day shift , so obviously expecting him to do dishes etc at that time would be unfair but my day is rarely done by 9pm at the moment i am up several times during the night because ds is poorly with a chest infection , maybe i am asking for too much

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/01/2015 16:35

I wouldn't stand for any of that nonsense about food not being able to be reheated. Let him make his own. Division of labour isn't as much of an issue as attitude.

Lweji · 04/01/2015 16:38

If he doesn't eat reheat food, then he doesn't eat.
I eat left overs all the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 16:43

YY to the last comment about reheating. You're not below stairs at Downton Abbey waiting for His Lordship to tinkle the dinner bell.......

What was your background? Did/does your mother pander to the males in the family and expect the females to do all the work? Does his walk five paces behind his father?

petalsandstars · 04/01/2015 16:45

Fuck that! He doesn't eat reheated food? Two options - maybe 3. He cooks himself / you do something for 8pm which you can reheat the next day for DS to have for tea / get a slow cooker then it can stay warm in there and both eat from the same pot. I work shifts too - and on days off do everything needed. Finished at 0700 this morning and am currently cooking dinner private space to mn

Original poster
Debbylou · 04/01/2015 16:50

Mum is very independent left my father for dv before I was born and never had another man in her life , so i guess i don't really know what role a husband/father should have in the household .

OP posts:
nilbyname · 04/01/2015 16:52

I'm married to a regular normal guy.

He gets up in the night with the kids. He cooks and cleans. He does diy. He takes the kids to the park/activities/parties and what have you. We see friends, we eat we sleep, we talk. We have sex.
I do all of the above too. We share the work load of being a family.

My female friends have similar ordinary blokes. That's normality.

You're living a life that sounds miserable. Why would you let someone treat you so badly, and go can he look in the mirror knowing how wretched and unkind he is?

Do better.

You can do better.

OnlyLovers · 04/01/2015 16:55

He's an ass. The reheated food thing is bollocks; is he a fucking princess?

Stop doing everything you do, just for a day. See how he likes it.

nil's description above is a good guide to what a person can reasonably expect from a relationship.

Vivacia · 04/01/2015 16:58

so i guess i don't really know what role a husband/father should have in the household

For me, it's a lot of boring roles - my workmate, my right hand man, my "co-parenting partner" etc. He's also my best friend and the person I have a laugh with and share secrets with and have good sex with.

When one of us gets in from work, we share out the remaining chores and relaxation time between us.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2015 16:58

a husband's role is not that of Lord and Master

MincePiesPiesPiesPies · 04/01/2015 17:20

What would happen if you served him reheated food?

Milmingebag · 04/01/2015 17:23

If he doesn't do reheated then the most effort I would go to for this spoilt arse is a lovely salad prepared hours in advance.....

LineRunner · 04/01/2015 17:27

He won't eat reheated food?

That is one of the most pathetic, entitled things I have ever read n MN. I really feel for you. This isn't right.

Hassled · 04/01/2015 17:27

Are you actually getting anything at all out of this relationship? If you are, it's not leaping out at me.

Tryharder · 04/01/2015 17:29

I think you need to find a compromise or way forward.

It's not fair of your DH to leave you to do everything but on the other hand, I work 12 hour shifts myself and they are knackering (and I do all the housework as well!!!) It's very unfair of posters to imply he's a lazy bastard as if he were sitting around playing xbox all day.

You both need to find a solution where you are both happy. You both need time off to reconnect. Do you have a babysitter? Could your child go into a nursery or playgroup? Can you afford a cleaner or someone to do some ironing? Are your standards too high with regard to housework? You say you are knackered yourself but if you are killing yourself to maintain a show home, no wonder. What stops you resting in the day or having a day in front of Cbeebies with your feet up?

I think if you deny yourself and your DH a decent sex life, your marriage will disintegrate which would be a shame.

newyear15 · 04/01/2015 17:30

Yuck he sounds hideous.

I wouldn't even bother making him a cheese sarnie, let alone having sex with him. How does he think his behaviour and lack of any respect or kindness to you makes him look attractive? How did his last relationship end I wonder - did he treat her like a lowly skivvy too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 18:42

We are 'inferring' that he's lazy. His approach to sex alone confirms him to be a bastard. ...

CocktailQueen · 04/01/2015 18:46

He doesn't eat reheated food? What does he think will happen? I'm sorry, op, he sounds more horrible and entitled.

Stop doing everything for him! He should be looking after you, his dc and sharing in parenting.