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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is hubby an ass or should i try harder ?

74 replies

Debbylou · 04/01/2015 14:13

Been married just over a year, together 4yrs 1ds age 3 and 6months preg. Hubby works 12hr shifts days and nights , I do all housework cooking childcare and bill paying, he always says he will help on his days off never does , he wants sex regularly and gets in a mood when I turn him down . I'm just too tired all I want to do when I get in bed is sleep and have even less desire for it first thing in the morning after he has done a night shift. He has told me I am not trying to keep our relationship going because I don't want sex. I don't know if im wrong or he is , I feel like a dogs body , im exausted and all it seems he cares about is wether he gets it or not .

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2015 18:57

No love, you are not expecting far too much, not at all.

He is being really, really horrible. He's home 3 days a week, on those 3 days you should be sharing the workload evenly. If anything he should be doing more to give you a rest, especially when you are pregnant.

You would find life much easier as a single parent and that is a terrible way to live. Having a partner is supposed to make life easier and nicer, not harder and miserable.

I would tell him very clearly that he needs to dump his 1950's ideas and either pull his weight or piss off. Earning the money 4 days a week dies not give him the right to sit back like some fucking king and be waited on hand and foot the other days.

He doesn't even walk the dog or put the rubbish out on his days off...beyond belief.

LineRunner · 04/01/2015 19:03

A lot of men like this might be surprised to learn that single parents do not get thrown into workhouses in their absence. Indeed, many lone parents (mostly women) are better off in terms of time, emotional health, and often money.

Get informed.

HelenaDove · 04/01/2015 19:19

Funny how DaisyFlowerChain is strangely silent on the fact the OPs DH doesnt lift a finger for the children HE has from a previous relationship.

When shes on the benefit threads banging on about how ppl should be responsible for the children THEY choose to have...........or could it be that Daisy only thinks that should apply to women.

nilbyname · 04/01/2015 19:19

My best mate is a sp to twin girls and she has a lovely life!

Single life is as rewarding and fulfilling as a partnered one, depending on individual outlook and circumstances.

Lweji · 04/01/2015 19:32

A husband and a father has the role that you and him are both happy with.
If you are not happy with his current take on that role, you have three options:
a) put up with it and just complain about it
b) send him on his way to taking care of his own home and children for up to 50% of the time on his own,
c) he wakes up and takes on a role that you are also happy with (I very much doubt this will happen, though).

GoatsDoRoam · 04/01/2015 19:42

He sounds a prize ass, OP. Creates extra work for you, does not take care of children or sort his own food, in fact requires you to cook a whole extra meal for him, demands sex, and then threatens you with a split when you turn him down.

This is not a nice man, let alone a good husband.

Tobyjugg · 04/01/2015 20:38

If he's got the energy for a fuck, he's got the energy to help with the housework. He's a twat.

DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 21:28

Helana, I have many talents but mind reading is not one of them. When I posted the OP mentioned nothing about the other children

Regardless of parentage, of one person opts out of working then they should pick up the bulk of the household duties be it male or female. The person working is shouldering the entire financial burden in the trade off. Why should that person do both? It doesn't take 12 hours a day to clean and cook so it's more than a fair split.

Lweji · 04/01/2015 22:41

of one person opts out of working

LOL
You mean working away from home?
It doesn't look like the OP opted out of working at all, as she does everything at home, including making special meals for her more precious than the Queen husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 22:41

It's missing the point to make the a division of labour issue. It's never how many hours get spent doing what by whom. It's always an attitude problem. Always. And this man's attitude is terrible,

Lweji · 04/01/2015 22:42

And I'm speaking from the point of view of someone who worked away from home and exH was at home.

PoppySausage · 04/01/2015 22:47

I think you need to point out that the relationship is not just sex. Ass

waitingfor3 · 05/01/2015 01:00

OP. It is not 'help' with the housework. He bloody lives there, he has a family. Don't allow the phrase 'help' he's abdicated of any responsibility straight away.
He works 12 hour shifts, a LOT of people do. They still cook/ eat/ join in family life/ know there is not a laundry fairy. If he won't reheat food then he can find his way to the kitchen.
(Tonight there's a choice on the menu, take it or leave it ... as my mum used to put it).
Right now you are inundated with tiredness, the season, the toddler. 'Keeping the relationship going' is a ridiculous statement. What is he doing to this end? Partners do support each other at times. Yes. This is true, but pressure wise it all looks loaded on you. WTF is he doing adding to that?
If he needs sex to feel he's getting attention/ affection out of the relationship he needs to grow the hell up.
Surely he can't be so blinkered as to think his colleagues working 12 hours all go home and put their feet up until bedtime?

rb32 · 05/01/2015 10:02

He definatly needs to re-calibrate his idea of how a marrige works. It's not suprising he's knackered and probably does deserve one of his three days off not doing chores (but looking after the children, which imho is not a chore!). However, he needs to realise a mans role in a relationship is more than going to work and earning money.

As an aside, I think alot of the 1950's attitude of the man works and the woman does all the housework IS changing, however we're only a few generations in and it's going to take a while before it's nearly completely gone.

RubbishMantra · 05/01/2015 10:21

But he doesn't do any chores rb32.

And when does OP get her day off?

rb32 · 05/01/2015 11:06

But that's what I'm saying Rubbish - He needs to change his view of his role as a husband (which includes doing the chores on atleast a couple of his days off and splitting the childcare 50/50 whenever he's not at work). The Op then gets help when he is around to do her own thing, whatever that may be.

Then he might eventually get some as she will hopefully be a little less exhausted and might respect him a bit more seeing him dig in and engage with familly life! I know I'm usually in with a better chance when my wifes been out for the day by doing her own thing, returning to a clean house with contented kids!

Original poster

Debbylou · 05/01/2015 14:54

Well after reading through all the comments I sat hubby down and showed him everyones thoughts, he was quite shocked at them but apologised profusely for as he put it "taking me for granted and turning into a sexist pig" and has made me a promise that he will sort his shit out because he doesn't want to see me walk away , the immediate result last night was he put DS to bed and did storytime while I had a nice relaxing bath , he even did the dishes and will be doing them each night from now on too and helping more on his days off . I can honestly say I woke up this morning feeling so much better and happier and believe me if he slips back into old ways I will tell him , thank you everyone for showing me and him that the way he was treating me and the children was wrong xx

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2015 15:05

'One swallow does not a summer make'.... anyone can turn it on if they've been shamed into sharpening up their act. Just remember that you told him all this stuff for a long time and he took no notice of you whatsoever. He shouldn't need telling off by the MN collective like a naughty kid - he's meant to be an adult.

Glad you feel a little better but stay assertive and operate a zero tolerance approach from now on

expatinscotland · 05/01/2015 15:53

See this is why when I was single and childfree, I would never date a man who had kids, because there is usually a good reason why his ex dumped him.

He will slide back into being a sexist pig, most likely.

RiverTam · 05/01/2015 16:04

expat are you saying that in every family that has split up, it's the woman doing the dumping? Really?

prettywhiteguitar · 05/01/2015 16:06

Well you know what that's actually quite positive ! Quite often the guy turns round and argues but at least your dh got up did bedtime and washing up. Try to get into a routine of this as when I had my dd, dp would do washing up and bedtime with ds while I did the feed.

good luck op, just don't let him get away with doing nothing with his own children either, they have access as they are supposed to be spending time quality with him.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2015 17:55

Um, no, I said that when I was childfree I never went with a man who had children because there was usually a good reason why he'd been dumped. Read the boards here, countless threads in the past 10 years I have been here from women who have children with twats and even then, takes a lot for them to leave the person. Can probably count on two hands the number I have seen here or in real life from men leaving a woman when they are children involved unless they have someone else. It takes a lot for women to split with the father of her children, case in point, I'd wager my last tuppence this man was just as much of a sexist in his last marriage as he is in this.

Lweji · 05/01/2015 20:11

It sounds good. :)
Fingers crossed it's not short lived.

nilbyname · 05/01/2015 20:40

That sounds really positive!

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