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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single friend kissing a married man

55 replies

DirtyDancing · 20/12/2014 18:54

Just that really. She told me she had a stupid drunked snog with a married guy at work last week.

Anyway this week, post xmas party they went to an after party and he stayed over at her's apparently. Kissing, touching no sex. And they kissed sober in the morning. I'm horrified, totally shocked and hugely concerned she is about to embark on an affair. He has been married about 3 years and has 2 young children. He has told my friend his marriage is not great (oh that one) and my friend is mid 30's and desperate to settle down and have kids. She's not in a good place, but she's a strong person. I never thought she'd do something like this.

It stings because I imagine his wife not dissimilar to me- I'm a new mum, tired but working hard to maintain my marriage and home. How would I feel if it were me? Gutted and heart broken.

What can I do or say to my friend to try and stop this?!

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 20/12/2014 19:03

I wouldn't want be friends with someone like that.

You can tell her how you disapprove but it most likely won't stop her. At her age she should be looking for a single guy, not going into a situation like this.

worserevived · 20/12/2014 19:11

'It stings because I imagine his wife not dissimilar to me- I'm a new mum, tired but working hard to maintain my marriage and home. How would I feel if it were me? Gutted and heart broken.'

I'd tell her this, and say I could not longer be friends with her because of it.

You can't tell her who she can date, or how she should live her life, but you can and should stand by your own principles.

Finola1step · 20/12/2014 19:13

Tell her what you have told us.

Original poster

DirtyDancing · 20/12/2014 19:23

I'm so so disappointed in her. And surprised

I don't have a lot of close friends and, you're all right of course, I have to tell her if it happens again I can't be friends with her. I'm disappointed I will now probably lose my friend; but that together with this man, she has cast a shadow over this relationship, this home and the lives of this children. It's so sad.

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 20/12/2014 19:32

And she stood there and told you all this without batting an eyelid?! Oh no, I definitely would have to end the friendship. I have some lovely friends, and every one of them I respect enormously. I could never respect anyone who did things like this.
Don't wait until 'it happens again' - once is quite enough.

Original poster

DirtyDancing · 20/12/2014 19:44

I agree hatespiders. But and I'll get flamed for this, It's very hard giving up on a friend I've known for 14 years. Surely I can give her a second chance? A last, but second, chance? I'm not defending her but she didn't 'not batter and eyelid' she was regretful and ashamed. Although it happened twice so that might be a load of crap I know

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 20/12/2014 19:57

Well Dirty, it's entirely up to you of course, but I'd have lost all respect for her and that would affect how I viewed her. As you've said, imagine the pain she might cause the wife of this man. Over the 14 years you've been friends, has she always been a bit flighty, or is this a recent thing?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 22:03

Tell her why you find it upsetting. Tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Then back off. You are not the Monogamy Police, and for all you know, this man's marriage is hellish and he's desperately hunting for a way out. It's not your business.

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2014 22:09

What solid said. This is between them, surely. By all means say your piece and tell her you don't want to hear any more about it. But I personally wouldn't drop a friend for this.

sonjadog · 20/12/2014 22:09

I would tell her how you feel, and then step back. I don't think you need to end the friendship, but maybe focus on other friends for a while?

JoanHickson · 20/12/2014 22:14

She will be after your DH next, clearly any man will do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2014 22:14

You can tell her how you feel but be prepared for her to keep him a secret from you. I wouldn't ditch a friend for this but I wouldn't support her in this relationship either.

I'm baffled at what I perceive as 'fickleness' from other posters. You'd really drop your friends for their bad/mad choices?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2014 22:16

JoanHickson... that's just ludicrous thinking. Only somebody with no self-esteem - or even respect for their friendship - would think that.

JoanHickson · 20/12/2014 22:20

That's my opinion and experience of that type, sorry you don't like my input.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2014 22:23

I don't mean to be rude, JoanHickson, I just thought it was really sad that you'd think a friend would go after your own husband. I realise that's not quite what you said though, sorry.

JoanHickson · 20/12/2014 22:25

I had more than one "friend" do that to me. They had for for going after MM.

Blanketontheground · 20/12/2014 22:25

Judge the man. He's married. He had everything to loose. He is the dickhead. He has little kids. He is an arsehole.

JoanHickson · 20/12/2014 22:25

*form

AskMeAnother · 20/12/2014 22:37

Judge the man. He's married. He had everything to loose. He is the dickhead. He has little kids. He is an arsehole
Exactly. The woman is single. He chooses to act as if he is. He is to blame, not her.

JoanHickson · 20/12/2014 22:40

Op doesn't know the MM, she's disgusted at her friends behaviour, quite rightly so.

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 07:51

tis the season of christmas parties and regretful drunken snogs, OK your friend took it further by allowing this bloke to stay over but she sounds regretful and for all we know he's mortified now he's sober again.
It's christmas it happens, red faces for a few days in the New Year then all forgotten about.
(If you say anything tell your friend at least she's not stupid enough to take it further and she would have to be pretty desparate to settle for crumbs off another womans table).

Rinkydinkypink · 21/12/2014 07:58

It's not great but it's happened.

Time for her to move on. The focus should be on him and how easily he's doing this. He's clearly not a nice person, selfish etc. I feel for his wife. While he's off cheating on her she's at home loving his kids, tired, exhausted and rundown.

If he's right (doubtful) and the marriage isn't working spending time with other women isn't going to be helping!!! You could also explain that at Christmas time when his children are full of fun and excitement he's out purposefully hurting their mum and risking their whole future.

defineme · 21/12/2014 08:08

I would be honest with her but I would never end a friendship over this. My friends have toldme how much they value my non judgemental nature. I think you know what a bad place she is in, this is a shit time of year, theman is the married one. Is it really your place to judge, you have everything as far as she is concerned. 14 years is a long time, she definitely needs help not cutting off.

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 08:14

I feel for his wife. While he's off cheating on her she's at home loving his kids, tired, exhausted and rundown

How do you know this? she might be shagging the postman for all we know.....

Golferman · 21/12/2014 08:28

What bollocks, they are both equally to blame. What is she, an innocent virgin? Ffs

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