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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single friend kissing a married man

55 replies

DirtyDancing · 20/12/2014 18:54

Just that really. She told me she had a stupid drunked snog with a married guy at work last week.

Anyway this week, post xmas party they went to an after party and he stayed over at her's apparently. Kissing, touching no sex. And they kissed sober in the morning. I'm horrified, totally shocked and hugely concerned she is about to embark on an affair. He has been married about 3 years and has 2 young children. He has told my friend his marriage is not great (oh that one) and my friend is mid 30's and desperate to settle down and have kids. She's not in a good place, but she's a strong person. I never thought she'd do something like this.

It stings because I imagine his wife not dissimilar to me- I'm a new mum, tired but working hard to maintain my marriage and home. How would I feel if it were me? Gutted and heart broken.

What can I do or say to my friend to try and stop this?!

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 21/12/2014 08:39

shes out of order but ultimately it will be him that causes the pain to his wife, not ops friend.

she sounds in an bad place op. she needs a good friend to help her deal with it.

Jollyphonics · 21/12/2014 08:42

I would never end an otherwise good friendship over this.

I've had 2 good friends who had affairs with married men. One ended up marrying him, the other had a succession of relationships with married men, broke up several marriages, but ended up happily married to someone who was single when they met.

I wouldn't dream of having a relationship with a married man, and I didn't like hearing about it when my friends were doing it. But they were good friends, people I'd known for years, who'd been supportive of me when I'd had dark times. They're both still great friends of mine, kind and considerate, funny and caring, and I would miss them terribly if they weren't in my life.

I think good friends aren't always that easy to come by, and it's best to keep the ones you have. It would be a sad lonely life if we eliminated from our world everyone who did things we didn't agree with.

usualsuspect333 · 21/12/2014 08:51

She knows he is married,she knows he has kids.

She's as much to blame as he is. I'd tell her not to tell me anymore. If it all goes tits up for her,tough.She knows the score.

victorianhomedreamer · 21/12/2014 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 09:11

Excellent post victorianhomedreamer

Original poster
DirtyDancing · 21/12/2014 09:24

Thank you so much for eveyone's input and perspectives. Whilst I don't agree with everything that has been posted, it is really helpful that you have all pretty much laid out before me the exact dilema that is going on in my head. Whoes fault is it? Is it any of my business? Should I drop her as a friend? How responsible and involved am I having been party to this information.

I do not think I can loose my friend over this at the moment. Victorianhome has posted something that completely summarises how I feel this morning, having now slept on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyDancing · 21/12/2014 09:28

Sorry posted before finished and proof read!

I am very sad that she has done this. I feel very angry at this man. I feel pain for this women. But ultimately I don't know him or her, their relationship or what they are like as people. So my focus is on my friend.

I am going to reiterate I don't agree with what she has done, but basically stay out of it, keep my distance and I guess be there to pick up the pieces as ultimately I can't see it ending well for anyone. Thanks all x

OP posts:
Original poster
DirtyDancing · 21/12/2014 09:30

Compassionate yet firm

OP posts:
misskangaandroo2014 · 21/12/2014 10:12

Your friend is also (knowingly) setting herself up for stress. He is married. She wants someone available to settle down. He's not in a position to be anything other than fleeting meaningless rendezvous. As she is a friend, advising her to look after her (genuine) happiness first and foremost seems reasonable.

PlantsAndFlowers · 21/12/2014 11:30

The main problem with this is that your friend is unlikely to get what she wants from this relationship.

You seem a little over invested in this man's affair.

I agree with you that you need to take a step back and ask her not to tell you any more about it. Unrealistic to ask her to stop - never works!

Heyho111 · 21/12/2014 11:42

I don't understand why you have to give up a friendship. It's wrong what's she's doing but from what you've said she is emotionally weak. She needs a strong friend not no friend. Loosing a friend will make her cling onto him more. As a friend you can say you disapprove. If he is unfaithful to his wife what will stop him being unfaithful to someone else. Say how damaging this will be for his wife and kids. But be there for her to help her stop what she's doing. You can agree to disagree.

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 12:19

Are they actually having an affair though or was it just a drunken snog at the Christmas party that got out of hand..........

AskMeAnother · 21/12/2014 15:14

What bollocks, they are both equally to blame. What is she, an innocent virgin? Ffs

Golferman, if the statement was 'my friend kissed a man', then I would agree, both parties have equal responsibility for that, and if someone objects to kissing generally, then they might say both parties are to blame for such a shocking act.

But the OP is complaining because her friend kissed a married man. The marriage of the man and his wife is nothing to do with the single girl. Its not her circus and he's not her monkey. If he wants to kiss her, she needs to decide if she wants his snog or not, she doesn't have to ask his marital status and automatically turn down anyone who happens to be married. No names, no pack drill. Don't ask, don't tell.

If the OP has a problem it should be with the man, not her friend. Someone upthread said 'She doesn't know the man', as if that makes any difference. His marriage is still not her concern.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/12/2014 10:16

Of course, the real problem is this silly insistence on longterm monogamy as the 'best' way to conduct your sex life. It simply doesn't work for most people. 'Affairs' are often a useful exit route from a marriage that is unsatisfactory or even abusive.

FolkGirl · 22/12/2014 18:03

I wouldn't end a good friendship over this, either.

I think there is a lot of angry projection on here from women who don't trust their men but think they'd never cheat if it weren't for these women who were willing to participate.

But it wouldn't matter how many women were willing to kiss any number of married men if these married men weren't so keen on stepping outside their marriages.

Chunderella · 22/12/2014 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 22/12/2014 19:01

How do you know our friend is not absolutely mortified with what she has done in the cold light of day and could use your support to untangle herself from this.

I think you ought to just talk to her and not judge her. As Solid says, you are not the Monogamy Police.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 22/12/2014 19:37

You are her friend. You say she's in a bad place. She sounds like she's acting in a way driven by low self-esteem/a need for attention. I'd say, if you can manage it (given the way you see a connection with your own life I mean) I would try and support her out of this situation. Being clear that you feel it's not on, but trying to do that in a way that shows you care for and respect her, that you know she is capable of behaving better and deserves to have something better. long- term friendship is about more than feeling your friends always behave well (in my view).

Original poster
DirtyDancing · 22/12/2014 21:30

I do find blueshoes comment about the Manogamy Police interesting. I actually don't feel able to stand back and do absolutely nothing. I do feel like I need to say something to her. I mean, I'm not the poverty police either but I give to charity because I want to help people who I feel are less fortunate. I mean at what point do we just step back, ignore things that are wrong and not get involved? I feel the world would be a much worse place if we all thought like this. I do think it's wrong to kiss a married man, it's wrong of him too, but maybe I can talk some sense into her. I need to stand by my morals. It's not a full blown affair yet, but it's an EA plus some. But if Im not able to try and stop her, then it will be hard, but I will still stand by her.

OP posts:
Chunderella · 22/12/2014 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 22/12/2014 22:15

You are over-identifying with the married man's wife in this situation because of your own circumstances. You are less invested in your friend's wellbeing than in your own horror at one day finding yourself in the shoes of the man's wife.

So you seek to judge your friend rather than help her.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 22/12/2014 22:22

All you can change is your place in her life. You can choose to step away. Everything else is down to her. Moralising will most likely have the effect of pushing away from you and towards this man. Live your own life according to your strongly felt morals - of course. But you can't do the same for her. My mum's been having an affair with a mm for twenty years. I chose to step away three years ago, I feel at peace with that. Nothing I could say or do would change her actions.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 22/12/2014 22:23

And I agree with blueshoes that there seems to be some projecting going on.

Original poster
DirtyDancing · 22/12/2014 22:43

Oh yes, i am definitely identifying with the married women. Absolutely. I can not deny that. Our life is not dissimilar in the fact we are married and have children in common. So it does feel close. Apart from that I know nothing about her.

But this isn't about me. My DH isn't having an affair as far as I know(!) I do see the implications of an affair in terms of the impact on children/ wife/ home more than my friend does probably.

It is so interesting that there are such diverse opinions about the best way to respond, which has been useful. It has made me realise there is no right or wrong way. There is only my way, and how I feel I must try and deal with it. For me that is to be clear to her I do not agree, to keep my distance whilst/ if anything develops, and then be there if/ when it goes wrong.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 23/12/2014 07:18

FWIW OP I have a newish friend whom I realised after a few months was involved with a married man. We've never discussed it, but people who know them both have said it's been going on for around 2 years.
OW is heavily in debt and lives in a grotty rented flat.
His wife is incredibly successful, earns loads more than him and affords an extremely nice lifestyle for him an the 2 kids. He really loves the lifestyle and he's not going to leave his wife.

The way I deal with it? I don't discuss it or refer to it, I ignore that it's going on, she knows I know but I don't give any recognition to the situation. I refuse to acknowledge it. Recently I was in a situation manipulated by the new friend (break away xmas party) where we would have been out in a couple 4some with her and the MM. We made our excuses and left. She clearly wants people to recognise them as 'a couple', give their approval - they aren't a couple, it's not going anywhere, she's a bit on the side, I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

If you go all out and state it's wrong to people like this it just makes it look naughty and forbidden. Frankly I find it all incredibly tedious and I think this attitude is making her question the situation more than taking the morality stance. I do however find myself not pursuing the new friendship much.........the situation is very boring.

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