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Original poster

How do you make him want more than just sex?

63 replies

KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 17:46

I'm a bit of a jinx with men, a lot are very upfront and say they don't want a relationship and just want fun. Which is fine but I'm ready for something more serious.

I really like someone and as far as I know he likes me back. Hes asked me over to his, its hard to find time when we are both free as he works a mixture of morning and afternoon shifts.

I'm scared of falling into the trap of having sex with him, then hes done with me or not having sex with him and he gets bored. I'm not certain either of those things will happen but it always seems to with me.

I just want to break this shit pattern.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/11/2014 17:47

Don't go to his house. Go out on a date.

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 17:49

Might get a lot of flack for this - but don't have sex with him for a very long time.

Get to know him. If he sticks around for 4/5/6 months without a shag, and is not getting it elsewhere, he's obviously interested in you for you.

Of course, if you are happy to shag without feelings (I don't think you are from your OP) then crack on with it.

It shouldn't be this way, and it infuriates me that it is, but I can't help but think this 'test' will show you his true colours.

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 17:50

And if he does get bored and fuck off, he's not right for you - obviously!

Mrsgrumble · 15/11/2014 17:52

I would suggest going out too. Tell him upfront that you aren't into casual stuff.

Original poster
KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 17:59

I don't mind having sex for fun, but I really like him so I couldn't have sex and feel nothing.

Just seems to happen so easy for my friends. I always seem to find Mr I don't want a girlfriend, just sex thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 18:02

Thing is I want to be upfront with him too, I don't want him to instantly be my boyfriend, I'd just like to get to know him and see where it goes.

I don't want him to think I've already picked out wedding rings and scare him off.

Eurgh hate these games.

Thanks so much for the replies btw.

OP posts:
Matildathecat · 15/11/2014 18:02

All of the above. Dating is exactly that, a time of getting to know each other and having fun. Inviting you to his is definitely asking you over for a shag.

So say what you are after and move on swiftly if that's not his agenda. Only allow your feelings to grow slowly so if you have to move along you can do so without too much heartbreak.

Good luck!

WildBillfemale · 15/11/2014 18:08

I really like someone and as far as I know he likes me back. Hes asked me over to his

He should be taking you out on a date not asking you over to his! you need to understand the agenda of this invite.

makeitabetterplace · 15/11/2014 18:09

Are you very provocative in your flirting with sexual comments and clothing? It may be that you are unwittingly coming across as someone who wants a physical thing and nothing else. If not then you're just unfortunately getting the wrong ones and I'd agree to keep sex off the menu for a bit. Good luck x

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/11/2014 18:09

4/5/6 months with no sex? Shock do none of you have libidos then? If I fancy a guy I'd struggle to go 4 weeks without sex.

Original poster
KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 18:10

Oh I know its definitely an invite for sex.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 15/11/2014 18:12

Yes unfortunately it seems to be as true today as it was yesterday, if you want to form a relationship then you reward their patience with sex sometime in the future. Mad isn't it when we think that we have liberated ourselves. What one has to constantly remember is that some of these men really do have double standards.

But then, why not have sex if you want to. If he dumps you because you dared to want sex then he isn't the one, no game involved. But then its always tempting to play the game and make them wait because you believe that you like all the others are the one that he will think "she is worth the wait"

I agree, I hate these games too. I would just say up front, "like you, want to get to know you but I am not looking for casual sex with you, lets go out instead and have some fun" if he makes excuses and insists it is easier for you to go to his, what ever else he is saying, be assured he is only after sex.

avocadogreen · 15/11/2014 18:13

So don't do it. Suggest coffee instead. In my experience you can never 'make' someone want anything they don't want. But there are also plenty of men who don't just want sex.

Fairylea · 15/11/2014 18:14

As someone who's been in this trap before I'd not go to his house at all at this stage. Go out, have dinner, go to the cinema. Make it very clear you want a relationship. Not just the sex. Sounds a bit bunny boiler but sometimes I think it's worth spelling these things out. (Not totally directly obviously but with tact!) If the other person is a similar type to you they won't mind and if they do then you know they're the wrong one for you.

Dh and I waited 6 dates before we even kissed and 4 months before he came back to mine - and that was literally just for dinner. A vast difference to some of my other crap relationships before!

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 18:14

Tell him you don't want anything too quickly, but want a relationship to be on the table on the future. You're not insulted if that's not what he wants, but you're done with that. It'll give him a get out if he's not up for something more serious (and unless he's a total arsehole or dim he'll take it) and it doesn't make you sound deluded and ahead of yourself. Honesty is the best policy!

I'm for having sex early on, personally. I would want to know if we are sexually incompatible and it's also just generally important to me/fun. None of this "coy" business...but I get that it takes some people longer to be comfortable to dtd and that's fine (although it doesn't sound like it applies to you?). I think if you want to...do it. If it fucks up, it would have anyway, whether or not you "gave" (psh) yourself to him or not "too early".

Go out, though! If you're just at one anothers houses for "dates" you'll either end up only as fwb or you'll move too quickly as things become over familiar etc.

Good luck and enjoy.

BolshierAyraStark · 15/11/2014 18:14

This is probably going to sound harsh but sorry, he's not interested in a relationship with you if you are aware that his invitation is definitely for sex.

You can either go & get the shag or you can lay it on the line & tell him that's not what you're looking for.

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 18:16

do none of you have libidos then?

Sex isn't the only way you can satisfy your libido.

If I fancy a guy I'd struggle to go 4 weeks without sex.

And of course it is fine to sleep with someone so quickly, but you have to be aware that they may muck you around if sex is all they are after.

HouseOfBamboo · 15/11/2014 18:20

In my long and extensive experience, how soon you have sex is completely irrelevant. Pretty much all blokes want sex, but not all want or are in a position to have a relationship.

Make finding out the latter and not the former the focus of your energies!

Yes a certain type of bloke will see you as a challenge if you won't immediately have sex, but that's not the same thing as being a nice bloke who actually wants a relationship.

Anyone who sees a woman as a 'conquest' rather than a life partner will get bored at some point, and is to be avoided if you want anything other than game playing.

AWholeLottaNosy · 15/11/2014 18:21

I'd encourage you to go at your own pace and don't have sex with him. If you do, you'll probably fall for him more and if that was all he was after, he'll cool off, leaving you hurt. If he likes you enough he'll wait. And if he doesn't, then at least you know and you've kept your dignity intact.

There's a great book about all this called, 'Why men love bitches'. It's not about being bitchy, more about respecting yourself. Wish I'd read it in my twenties!

Original poster
KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 18:22

I don't know, theres other things that make me think he might want more.

We've known each other for a year now, we've talked on the phone and had real conversations where sex isn't mentioned. I kind of know one of his good friends who said he could be up for a relationship.

Its a confusing situation. If I'd met him a couple of weeks ago and he just text to say come over then I'd be 100% sure it was just about sex and nothing else.

OP posts:
Matildathecat · 15/11/2014 18:29

But have you been on dates together, meals, walks, drinks, having a laugh?

IMO too many 'relationships' now are conducted online, via text or on the phone. It's not real! You can only form a proper bond and relationship by being together. That's my view anyway but I'm older than you I suspect and am hugely glad of it when I read these threads.

Honestly, don't compromise, if you want a real relationship then hang on for it. Have sex at whatever stage you want but at least make it after a bloody date.Grin

CarryOn90 · 15/11/2014 18:30

OP I'm in the same position as you, I always seem to have this problem.

My friends usually tell me the same thing that people have said here, "Don't sleep with him for a while" but that's hard when you really like someone. Also as a PP said, I want to make sure I'm sexually compatible with someone early on.

JapaneseMargaret · 15/11/2014 18:48

I've had three serious, long-term relationships where I eve lived with the men in question, including now DH.

Without exception, the sex happened pretty much immediately, and it clearly didn't impact on the men's opinions at all. Decent, normal, non-arsehole men don't pigeonhole women into relationship-worthy, or non-relationship-worthy, based on the fact those women had sex as soon into the 'relationship' as they, the men themselves did.

Having said that, none of my first dates involves going to the bloke's place. Where's the craic in that?! Go out - hole up in a cozy pub somewhere, go for a romantic meal, go for an autumnal walk somewhere pretty, go for a coffee in a lovely cafe. Just go somewhere, where you involve yourself in a bit of atmosphere and life and fun, and get to know each other on neutral territory. Don't go to his house. Not on the first date, anyway. :)

JapaneseMargaret · 15/11/2014 18:52

In fact, thinking about it, if I had had 'got' a man by holding out on sex, and making him wait ... Hmm I'd be pretty worried about what sort of man I'd tied myself to.

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 19:01

FGS don't "hold out" to test his interest. You're risking wasting a lot of time. Ask!

Ask ask ask.

Just "what are you after?"- it's open ended. He won't say "a relationship" because not many people do, I imagine..too worried about coming on too strong, but he'll give you something.

And if it isn't what you want you can move on, next!