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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you make him want more than just sex?

63 replies

KimHollywood · 15/11/2014 17:46

I'm a bit of a jinx with men, a lot are very upfront and say they don't want a relationship and just want fun. Which is fine but I'm ready for something more serious.

I really like someone and as far as I know he likes me back. Hes asked me over to his, its hard to find time when we are both free as he works a mixture of morning and afternoon shifts.

I'm scared of falling into the trap of having sex with him, then hes done with me or not having sex with him and he gets bored. I'm not certain either of those things will happen but it always seems to with me.

I just want to break this shit pattern.

OP posts:

NightTimeCometh · 15/11/2014 19:02

I'm pretty sure I'm older than you, and probably wiser in this instance - do not have sex with him for a long, long, time.

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 19:11

If you're after a relationship then I too say don't have sex for a while (although I was thinking weeks rather than months ).

However, I think I say that because I found the whole waiting/chase thing a big turn on.

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 19:13

I would tell him pretty much what you've said here. "I find you really attractive, but I am after something more serious than a bit of fun sex. So, I want you to know that I fancy you, but I'm not interested in rushing in to sex until we know each other better".

Isetan · 15/11/2014 19:29

"I find you really attractive, but I am after something more serious than a bit of fun sex. So, I want you to know that I fancy you, but I'm not interested in rushing in to sex until we know each other better".

Job done.

Games and tests are for teenagers.

overslept · 15/11/2014 19:32

I moved in with now DP after spending approx a total of 30 hours together, 4 months before hand! We didn't have any contact for those 4 months, as soon as he added me on skype after that time we got on, he asked me to move in with him. I did. We didn't sleep together for months, we had fallen in love and both wanted to wait. I love sex so it was hard at times especially sharing a bed, but made it all the better when we did.

SirRaymondClench · 15/11/2014 19:35

Awholelotta 'Why men love bitches' is a GREAT book!
I wish I'd read it in my 20s too, would have saved me a whole lot of heartache.
They should give it to girls at school in fact, probably when they give them the talk about periods etc.

Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 19:35

overslept- I think your story is a rare one (though a nice one)!

SirRaymondClench · 15/11/2014 19:37

Overslept can I ask why you didn't contact each other for four months after spending 30 hours together?

AWholeLottaNosy · 15/11/2014 19:44

This piece of advice I have never forgotten from 'Why men love bitches', the penny dropped when I read it. This is a paraphrase of it from a review of the book.

"My favorite quote: Argov describes a man going on a hunting trip. He kills a moose, drags the thing home, taxidermies it and puts it on his wall with pride. “If you were to drop a dead moose on his doorstep, he’d want nothing to do with it. It could be the very same moose he had hunted, and yet it could have a totally different effect on him. This is how the pursuit affects his interest in a woman. When a woman chases a man, it has the same effect as if she were to deliver a dead moose to his front door.” Ouch. I think I’ve delivered my fair share of dead moose over time. Must clean that pattern up."

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/11/2014 19:45

You can't IMHO "make" someone want you for more than sex

But others disagree - try The Rules

makeitabetterplace · 15/11/2014 19:50

You can't make a man want more than he wants, but you can find a man who wants what you want. I'd be upfront and say something like 'I am really looking for a decent relationship and I don't know if that could be with you or not at this stage but if you're just after sex then I'm not the girl for you.' Then you haven't come across like you're in love with him.

If you're meeting men online your profile should make it obvious you're not just after sex - no provocative photos, make it clear you want a serious relationship and children, if you want them. You may get less contacts but at least they will be contacts who know what you're after and are happy.

I met my husband online and I felt we 'should' have sex quite soon as he may 'go off' me otherwise. We've spoken about it since and he says he felt quite alarmed at how quickly I moved it toward physical - damn, wish I'd known they're not all after one thing!

overslept · 15/11/2014 19:59

I lived somewhere about 200 miles from my home town and then moved back to my home town. I was with my ex (no cheating involved before anybody panics). I came back to the place I had lived previously to visit a friend and stay with her for 2 weeks. Her son who is the same age as me, who I had before this only met only in passing, had split from his partner and moved back in with his mum so was at the house. We both smoked so got talking over a cigarette outside. As everybody else went to bed we would stay up chatting and meet outside for ciggy, then when it was raining it progressed to sitting in his car talking for hours drinking a few beers on the driveway. We really got on amazingly, better than I have ever got on with anybody. I had never laughed that hard in my life.

I went home after the visit back to my ex and house in my home town. Me and ex were on the rocks an had been for a while but nobody knew, there was nothing nasty involved we had just grown apart. When me and ex split I told my friend and after about a week she mentioned it to her son. He added me on skype that night. My ex had moved out so we chatted a lot in the evenings online. He had his own place now. As soon as I mentioned that I would have to leave the house and move he asked me to move in with him. I said yes. He came and collected me and all my things about 2 months later. We have been living together since then and it's perfect! Never met anybody like him. He is perfect for me.

Laquitar · 15/11/2014 20:02

I dont agree with waiting.
If you want to have sex have sex. After that YOU decide if you keep him or not.

AWholeLottaNosy · 15/11/2014 20:06

I went out on a date with a guy I'd met on a course once. I really liked him and told him I'd be interested in a relationship with him when we were on the date. He told me I'd taken the mystery out of it by saying that. He then really pressurised me for sex but I said no. We had a conversation on the phone a few days later and he said he didn't want anything with me. I was really upset but SOO glad I hadn't gone home with him as I would have felt really used. Not saying your guy is like that but just be aware...

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 20:14

Overslept can I ask why you didn't contact each other for four months after spending 30 hours together?

At least one of them was in prison.

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 20:16

Ah, cross-post.

overslept · 15/11/2014 20:19

Vivacia

Pusspuss1 · 15/11/2014 20:20

I think waiting for months is pretty unusual these days, but at least wait until the third date if you want the relationship to go anywhere! Whether we like it or not, men tend to pigeonhole women who sleep with them immediately as being just for fun. Even putting that small obstacle of a few dates in their way will weed out some of the chancers.

I think the suggestions for what to say above are too obvious and would make me cringe, but you do definitely need to go out and not to his place. Why not just reply and say 'It would be good to get together, but let's go out instead!' See what he suggests. Good luck!

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 20:36

(I was a bit worried the real story was going to involve hospitals and I'd look a right cow).

Vivacia · 15/11/2014 20:38

I think the suggestions for what to say above are too obvious and would make me cringe,

I'm a bit plain-speaking when it comes to sex, although otherwise pretty traditional and, er, "vanilla".

Pensionerpeep · 15/11/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sanfairyanne · 15/11/2014 20:47

its like 1814 on this thread! that book sounds appalling from that extract about the moose. as an alternative view, i have always found alpha male types like a good bossing around

have sex when you want, and just ask him how he feels/tell him how you feel about a relationship

Dirtybadger · 16/11/2014 00:54

Another saying that book sounds like bullshit. "Man as hunter". It's a fucking myth. Talk to each other. Sorted. You're not his bloody prey!

Sorry if that sounds angry towards you OP, the rage is directed at whoever wrote this (what sounds like outdated and entirely based upon unsubstantiated androcentric seudoscience) book that's being referred to.

Men love bitches about as much as women love bitches.

Dirtybadger · 16/11/2014 00:55

Pseudo* rather. Whoops.

JapaneseMargaret · 16/11/2014 04:29

That moose hunting analogy is just grim. Who wants to 'catch' that sort of man, anyway?

Seriously, the responses to this thread are depressing. Some of you seem to want to hook up with absolute meat-heads.

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