How do you make him want more than just sex?

[KimHollywood]

I'm a bit of a jinx with men, a lot are very upfront and say they don't want a relationship and just want fun. Which is fine but I'm ready for something more serious.

I really like someone and as far as I know he likes me back. Hes asked me over to his, its hard to find time when we are both free as he works a mixture of morning and afternoon shifts.

I'm scared of falling into the trap of having sex with him, then hes done with me or not having sex with him and he gets bored. I'm not certain either of those things will happen but it always seems to with me.

I just want to break this shit pattern.

Phew for the last 3 posters. I thought I was the only one thinking "but I don't want to be a moose, hunted or dead..." I want to be a female hunter who meets with a male hunter who fancies the same dinner as me. The moose should be the relationship, not the female partner, that's a bit weird.

Or if this is how things do work I shall be single forever.

I certainly believe in a few dates before the deed! Set the scene for the future.

If you meet a really decent guy who likes you for you it won't matter if you have sex on the first date or in six months, because they won't judge you for it.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to play some kind of game.

The OP hasn't asked how soon she should have sex with a decent man. She's asked how do you minimise the chance of being used for sex.

I think meet him on dates without the intention of sex. Too many people are willing to jump into sex from the start, then find out it's not what they want from the relationship then get into a cycle of staying because you've become attached.
Get to know him, become friends with him, learn each other's boundaries, build a foundation and then move on to sex.

The only way to be sure not to be uses for sex is to never have sex. But that sort of defeats the object. I'm still going hard for "ask"! I have no idea what the point in building a relationship, getting to know each other, yadda yadda, is when in the first place there's a chance you could just ask and he'd say "no thanks, I'm just after sex" and you could cut your losses and save a lot of heartbreak!

"Man as hunter". It's a fucking myth. Talk to each other. Sorted. You're not his bloody prey

That's true but I also think there is some truth in the basic principle that people value something (anything - whether that's a job, an item of clothing or a partner!) they had to work a little bit for. We all know that generally someone being super-keen is a bit of a turn off.

The moose analogy might be (marginally) improved rather than comparing a dead moose - a moose that was ramming its antlers up against the door trying to get in. Not quite right and a little bit scary.

But I have to say comparing a woman to a hunted moose does not rank highly in the Feminist Top 100.

What sanfairyanne and Dirtybadger said.

Women should have confidence in themselves and their ability to read situations, rather than waiting for some author (who will have all sorts of motives, not least making money) to tell them how they should conduct their relationships.

Those kind of books tend to be much less popular (or even not popular at all) among men. Funny, that.

If a bloke's only in it for sex then you can't change that.

Personally I don't think it makes any difference how long you "wait" but maybe it depends. I've never been interested in the sort of men who are interested in the thrill of the chase or whatever these books like the rules say.

IME you either click with someone or you don't, and if you're both at the point in your life where you are looking for a relationship that will happen, and if not, not. Irrespective of when you sleep with him. Surely people should have sex when they want to not in accordance with some pre-ordained set of rules which might all be bollocks anyway / not be appropriate for that particular person.

I wouldn't like a man who has sex on the first date. Call me old fashioned if you like. Don't see promiscuous as an attractive trait.

The books might take too much effort for men, but there are plenty of sites all over the internet instructing men on how "to play the game" incl "keep her keen by treating her mean" and how to get her to ring you...

Along with sites that suggest that sex should be on the table on date three. I wouldn't even bother with a third date if I was a bit ambivalent about a guy, just in case!

I just wish these dating experts would wind it in. Its damaging nonsense, its damaging the relations between men and women and preventing people from just being authentic and true.

As regards the man as hunter theory, I think actually there is a lot of truth in it, sadly. Many men have reaped the benefits of the sexual liberation of women, but they hold the benefits they reap with absolute disdain. Of course these Neanderthals want to drag back the most elusive prey, and if you want a man like this, then make him chase.

Those kind of books tend to be much less popular (or even not popular at all) among men. Funny, that.

I don't think. So. The Game books have all been best sellers. And the lovely Mr Julien Blanc sells out his seminars!

There are always humans of both genders desperate for guidance as to how to get a relationship.