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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me courage to leave my husband

64 replies

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:20

we are signing contracts tomorrow on his childhood home. we have bought it from his mum after husband died. our kids are 7 and 3 and hugely excited about moving. his family would never forgive me if i threw it all out the window. husband bought me a new car yesterday. he speaks to me like shit has no respect for me. goes mad if im not giving him 100% undivided attention even if the kids want my attention yet gives me his undivided attention. he loses his temper and calls me names yet accuses me of picking fights and being aggressive. its been a horrible weekend. i wouldn't miss him and i just want to be happy. but i have absolutely no money, no savings and now owe him two grand and have nowhere to live

OP posts:
Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:21

meant he never gives me his undivided attention

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 20:26

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Do you have family and friends who could give you some moral support or even a place to stay while you sort things out?

If you're unhappy that's a good enough reason to leave. If he's emotionally abusive (and it sounds like he might be based on a few things you said?) then you have to leave, for the sake of you and your children.

You might get more responses and good advice if you move this thread to relationships - just report it and ask for it to be moved.

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:28

i just didn't want it to hang around. im so upset and so scared of causing trouble and breaking my kids hearts and i know i will just go along with everything tomorrow.

OP posts:
AngryBeaver · 09/11/2014 20:29

Could you suggest counselling? Xx

KERALA1 · 09/11/2014 20:32

Hilarious! I am too cool for school for not throwing a tantrum if my mil takes dc to see father Christmas heard it all now

IAmOptimusPrime · 09/11/2014 20:33

You poor thing, it is hideous to feel like this and I've been in this situation of wanting to leave but scared of how to do it. I did eventually but I was very lucky that I had a huge amount of support and the financial ability to go.

What would happen if you told him how you felt? That you were so extremely unhappy in your marriage?

I completely sympathis and can imagine you have a stomach tied up in knots.

KERALA1 · 09/11/2014 20:38

So sorry wrong thread x

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 20:39

Please don't sign tomorrow. You will regret it.
From personal experience I know that children will be happier with separated parents than with parents in an unhappy marriage, even if the separation is difficult for them, it's better in the long term. You don't want your children to grow up thinking it's ok for someone to treat their partner the way your husband treats you.
Do you have family or a friend nearby that you could go and visit or stay with for a little while (even for a few hours if actually staying there isn't possible)? It seems to me that you could do with some distance and space to think.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 20:48

Firefly please could you look at these two links and tell us if you think any of the examples apply to you?
www.mumsnet.com/relationships/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship
and
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/
Thanks xx

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:50

he wouldn't want to hear it. he has far too much going on. he works all the hours and is currently painting the new house but on his way back after row with his mum. its a hugely stressful emotional time but none of that is my fault.. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:54

yes i do live in fear of upsetting him i do skirt round issues and i do lie so as not to rock the boat but get caught out so he doesn't trust me. i cant do it though i just cant do it. where will i go? my parents are nearby but i do not want to stay with them. kids have had their new bedrooms painted today ffs. they are so excited. ive always said to myself i will leave when the kids are older and ive saved up some money.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/11/2014 20:55

Why do you owe him £2k - you're married Confused

Please don't sign it. You want to leave.

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:58

for my car as all the savings are going on the house costs. we've always had separate money.

OP posts:
frankie80 · 09/11/2014 21:02

I think we need to hear more about your relationship. I would suggest counselling etc as a first step.

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 21:07

what would you like to know? i nearly left him 6 months ago but didn't and said counselling was one of the conditions of my staying. it never happened though and i know it never will. ive had counselling on my own.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 21:09

If the relationship was generally healthy and the OP wanted to fix it I would agree with people suggesting counselling. But it sounds to me like it's an emotional abusive relationship and the OP is unhappy, she wants to leave but is afraid to. (Please correct me if I'm wrong OP!) So I don't think counselling is the right suggestion. There is also the urgent issue of the house purchase.

OP if you can I suggest that you call this helpline: 0808 2000 247
It's a 24 hour helpline for women experiencing abuse, it's run by Refuge and Women's Aid. They will be able to listen and advise you. They are trained unlike us MNers!

Here is another link that might be helpful: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100310003

thenightsky · 09/11/2014 21:13

God. You poor thing. It sounds like he sweeps though life, dragging you along, expecting to to just be 'there', like the curtains, sofa, table.

Sad
RandomMess · 09/11/2014 21:15

In the eyes of the law money, equity, debt is shared equally because you're married.

Tell him you don't love him and you can't do it. The shit will hit the fan but you can stay living where you are with the dc.

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 21:15

if we went through with house but i plan to save enough for a rental deposit and look for a small two bed house that could be a plan. he can probably afford the house on his own and kids could still be there. then i could just about afford to rent a small house. would i get yax credits?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 21:26

I think you would get various things but I'm not an expert, try these links:
www.netmums.com/parenting-support/divorce-and-separation
and
www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

AcrossthePond55 · 09/11/2014 21:33

You ARE in an abusive relationship. It will be your decision to leave or wait until the children are older. But you ARE in an abusive relationship. (yes, I said it twice)

Why don't you want to go to your parents? Do they treat you badly or is it just that you think they won't understand? I'd weigh up how I'm feeling now against how I'd feel with my parents. My parents always felt that marriage is for life, but then their marriage was nearly perfect. They just couldn't understand the concept of emotional abuse. It kept me in an EA marriage longer than I should have been because I felt 'ashamed' of 'failing' in my marriage. But they were wonderfully supportive once I broke down and told them how I was being treated.

I know you're afraid, but you really shouldn't tie yourself to him any further and signing those papers would do that.

Original poster
firefly78 · 09/11/2014 21:38

hes home now. he got cross with me at his mums house today cos i split a drink of coke everywhere. im very clumsy and he said i need to be more careful no one has accidents everyday like i do and i cant be cross with him for getting cross with me when i did it. it was an emotionally sensitive day with his mum being there etc. he just mimicked me saying "everyone's getting at firefly even though shes a klutz, we are all getting at her, she will probably cry now". this was in front on the kids.

OP posts:
MagratsHair · 09/11/2014 21:43

If you owe him £2k then he didn't buy you a car!

Yes you will usually qualify for tax credits and possibly more depending on circs plus if you sign the contracts tomorrow then usually upon divorce that would be an asset that would partly be yours too.

You could do with some proper advice op, make an appt with the CAB or half an hour free with a solicitor and they will advise on benefits and your financial settlement upon divorce.

As to tomorrow then if you have no choice other than to sign then its not the end of the world. If you are prepared to leave tomorrow then phone women's aid as a pp suggested. If you need more info before going then you can see CAB and walk out if the door whenever you like afterwards. signing the contracts has no bearing on whether you leave or stay.

Quitelikely · 09/11/2014 21:48

Well your kids are getting a life lesson in how to become abusers. That's all you need to know. Someone gave your dh lessons and he is now a grade A abuser, likewise your children will follow in his footsteps.

I know you might think: no way, but yes way. They're learning all the time and soaking it all up.

The fact that you are posting here is a good sign IMO.

velourvoyageur · 09/11/2014 21:50

OP I don't want to sound all cheesy but this is your life. And I'm sorry to be harsh sounding but I'm not kidding, these years won't come back if you just spend them trying to decide what to do when what you really want is to leave. There is never going to be a comfortable time to leave him, but you know it won't work with him. You deserve so, so much better.

Just because you have children and they might temporarily find it hard to adjust to a new way of life doesn't mean you should completely ignore what is obviously very hard to bear in your life.

I'm really not telling you what to do, I know it's really easy for me to say all of this and it would be extremely courageous of you to do it. But you won't break anyone's hearts- I think this expression is really unfair, people use it so casually and it sounds so awful and means nothing in the end. On the other hand, if they see their dad treating their mum so awfully, won't they suffer more from that in the end? You would be doing them more of a favour by modelling a strong, independent and self-respectful position, which you do have in you.