Please give me courage to leave my husband

[firefly78]

we are signing contracts tomorrow on his childhood home. we have bought it from his mum after husband died. our kids are 7 and 3 and hugely excited about moving. his family would never forgive me if i threw it all out the window. husband bought me a new car yesterday. he speaks to me like shit has no respect for me. goes mad if im not giving him 100% undivided attention even if the kids want my attention yet gives me his undivided attention. he loses his temper and calls me names yet accuses me of picking fights and being aggressive. its been a horrible weekend. i wouldn't miss him and i just want to be happy. but i have absolutely no money, no savings and now owe him two grand and have nowhere to live

hi. we have talked and talked and talked. i feel much happier. for now. he got genuinely upset. said he didn't want to hurt my feelings or upset. he can't imagine a life without me. he feels he has to tread on eggshells cos i get upset easily.

he is going to book counselling cos he said he is the one with the problem not me. he said his parents argued constantly when he was growing up and we only row sometimes. i said how i feel disrespected when he calls me names and he said but thats in the heat of a row. and he cant recall what he said always.

i said i accept we argue thats fine but i dont like being called names. we did sign the contracts but he had said to me was i sure i wanted too. we went for lunch afterwards which was really nicr. the thing is i know i could leave him and i could cope.

so we will see what happens.

I think he is still spinning you a line here.

I doubt very much that he will actually attend any counselling sessions; words are cheap and this man has and is doing a real number on you. He has you currently exactly where he wants you; you have no power within this relationship at all. He is truly a master manipulator who is not above gaslighting you either.

If you think its hard to leave now it will likely be even harder to go five, ten or even twenty years down the line. You will always come up with a reason to stay because you may then also have no money or out of fear of upsetting your then adult children (who by that time have likely wondered of you why you have put this man before them).

What do you want to teach them about relationships here and what are they learning from you both. This is no relationship model to be teaching them at all.

OP, just read your thread and had to post about the "clumsiness" thing.

For two years, I was always having accidents, spilling drinks etc.. I thought I was just clumsy too.

I wasn't.

I was a perfectly normal woman whose nerves were constantly on the stretch, assessing and second-guessing, hoping to head off my then-boyfriend's next outburst and fearing what would happen if I didn't manage to. That level of stress over a long period will take its toll on you physically as well as mentally.

When that relationship ended, after some time to decompress, I found the accidents stopped.

Incidentally, a supportive husband would never berate and mock you just for spilling a drink. This one does it because he wants you nervous and always on the back foot. You deserve better.

Hi firefly, I'm glad to hear you talked things through, told him how you feel and are feeling happier. Those are all good things
It's good that he's said he will do counselling, but remember he said that last time and didn't do it? I hope he does it this time, don't let him fob you off once again.
One thing that worries me is that there are some conflicting messages - on the one hand he says that he's the one with a problem, but on the other hand "he feels he has to tread on eggshells cos i get upset easily". This is him trying to blame you for being "sensitive" when it's completely normal for you to be upset when he insults or disrespects you. I really would watch out for the gaslighting thing.
I hope he will actually change and I also hope you will stick to your guns if he doesn't. Best of luck xxx

I can't believe I have read this as I'm going thru really similar thing apart from I'm unmarried
I cannot stay with my partner anymore as he is an abusive bully, but it's always my fault !! ( according to him )
All I can say is be strong and leave, before you waste anymore of yours and kids precious life,
The way to help me thru is to say to myself, I don't want my son to be a man like him or my daughter to settle and put up with men like that and by being in a relationship like that that's what we're teaching our innocent kids.
And for me that's enough,
I hope you find the strength and I hope I can keep mine. Good luck xx

I'm glad you feel better, but stop and think about the things he's really said.

You get upset easily? No, he says mean things that get you upset. It's the mean things he says that are the problem. Not the fact that they upset you. Again he's blaming you. In other words, he thinks it's OK to say the mean things. It's your fault they upset you.

He also excuses things as 'in the heat of a row'. And he 'can't recall what he says'? So that makes it OK, because he's angry? No, it doesn't make it OK and the fact that he's so angry that he can't control or remember what he says is worrying. He's saying that being 'out of control' is an excuse. It's not!!

If someone doesn't want to hurt you, then they don't hurt you. Simples. Yes, even the happiest of couples argue. They even row. But they don't say things to hurt someone bone deep. That's abuse, plain and simple.

Counseling is a good idea. But he's going to have to accept his own responsibility in all this. Seems to me he's thinking that you are at fault as well. Just be sure you go into all this with eyes open. Wide open.

I agree with Across on everything she said. Please still plan incase H does not follow through with what he has promised to do ie;counseling.

Secret savings account, escape plan ...just in case. If H goes to the counseling and things are great in a year or two years, take the extra funds you have saved and have a nice holiday. However, if things go south you will be prepared and not standing without a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out.

Im glad you had the courage to tell him everything today. How he makes you feel and I certainly hope he was sincere in his responses.

However if he does not follow through have the same courage to leave. Wishing you luck and I hope you do not have to come back here and ask for courage to leave. But if you do, you know MNers will always be here for support.

Hi OP,

Some of the posters here thought it might be useful to point you in the direction of our relationships webguide.

Wishing you all the best.

I just want to say, I hope you find the right solution firefly. I'm in a similar situation, but not quite as bad.

hello. i just wanted to update. my husband and i this week have talked like we haven't ever talked before. hes been devastated to hear how im feeling and ive been incredibly honest giving him examples of things he says and does that are unacceptable. we have come up with a strategy of what i will say to him if he says something unacceptable. We have both decided we want to keep fighting to save our marriage and we will go to relate if we need too.

Good luck firefly. I hope it works for you.