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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please give me courage to leave my husband

64 replies

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 20:20

we are signing contracts tomorrow on his childhood home. we have bought it from his mum after husband died. our kids are 7 and 3 and hugely excited about moving. his family would never forgive me if i threw it all out the window. husband bought me a new car yesterday. he speaks to me like shit has no respect for me. goes mad if im not giving him 100% undivided attention even if the kids want my attention yet gives me his undivided attention. he loses his temper and calls me names yet accuses me of picking fights and being aggressive. its been a horrible weekend. i wouldn't miss him and i just want to be happy. but i have absolutely no money, no savings and now owe him two grand and have nowhere to live

OP posts:

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 21:50

please dont say my kids are learning to be abusers. my kids are amazing and lovely. that just makes me feel sick. im trying to leave. its really hard.

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 09/11/2014 21:54

oh my god, I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean anything like that.
I'm just saying, they would feel sad for you. They would be happier seeing you happy.

I didn't say that though.

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 21:56

no someone else said that.

OP posts:

MagratsHair · 09/11/2014 21:57

Ah its hard op, I left with a toddler and a 4 month old baby and I left my house, car and job and it took balls. But I've never once regretted it and I know it was the right decision. I now rent and have a lovely kind dp and the kids adjusted well and they see him regularly. Looking back I cannot believe I stayed for so long but the thought of going is more daunting than actually doing it.

The people commenting about your children are worried that they will perpetuate the behaviour they see modelled by you and your husband, in their adult relationships they're not trying to upset you. And they are correct.

Deep breath op and make a plan . see CAB, open a secret bank account and get some cash in it, get mentally prepared. It can be done

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 22:01

i know its right about kids but it just upset me. maybe its the spur i need. am going to start saving.

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 09/11/2014 22:01

Of course it's hard. Going ahead with the house tomorrow still leaves you the option of leaving at some time in the future. Don't pressurise yourself,with false deadlines. Give yourself time to gather information and think things through and build up the strength to burst through the stress of leaving to get to the happiness in the other side.

You are married with children: you might think your finances are separate but in the eyes of the law everything is shared in a marriage. Stay here for more advice but work out what you own as a couple (house equity, pension, everything), what his income is and what your income could be.

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 22:06

i think i will cancel my pension then i can save 140 pounds a month so in 6 months time would have a fair bit for a rental deposit.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 22:25

Please do get proper advice as others have said. CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) or Money Advice Service. I'm sure it will help you to know what financial and other support you will be able to get. You may need to take a bit more time before you feel strong enough to leave, but don't take too long. The longer you wait the more you are letting him damage your well being and self esteem. And the situation is damaging to your children as well.

mineofuselessinformation · 09/11/2014 22:30

OP, you owe him FUCK ALL. Sorry to shout, but, fgs, you're his wife, you should be a partnership.
The fact that you went to counselling (presumably because you thought you might be doing 'something wrong' and wanted to fix it) makes me want to weep.
Get out now, or as soon as, and get some legal advice. You don't deserve this.

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 23:18

Apparently people at work thought he was a great husband cos he was looking for a car for me this week. and he doesn't understand what hes done wrong because hey he bought me flowers the other day. hes says hes worried wot too say all the time and cant try any harder than he is.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:20

Do his colleagues know that he now says you "owe" him £2k for the car?!
Flowers don't mean shit if he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 23:25

tbf he would normally have paid for the car outright but we are paying all moving costs etc which is gonna cripple us. i guess i would just prefer it if our money went into one big pot like most people.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:26

But I'm guessing he likes having control over the money, yes?

Original poster

firefly78 · 09/11/2014 23:27

we have just had a huge talk. but hes not happy says he knows me well enough to know what im thinking and i make him feel like hes abusing me. says he doesnt call me names cant try any harder thinks i want to leave him etc.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:30

Also why are you moving if it's going to "cripple" you? Doesn't sound like a sensible decision especially if you are seriously thinking about leaving him when you can.
I don't think anything we can say will give you the courage to leave him, by the way. It has to come from you. But if you can summon the courage to talk to someone in real life (relative or friend) they might be able to help you feel strong enough.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:33

Sorry, cross-posted.
"says i make him feel like hes abusing me. says he doesnt call me names"
Is he trying to make you doubt reality? You said he talks to you like shit. He IS abusing you and he wants you to think it's all in your head?! I think they call this gas lighting. It's part of the abuse.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:35

FWIW, a loving partner would listen to you and apologise for hurting your feelings.

NameChange30 · 09/11/2014 23:41

More about gaslighting here: www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

AcrossthePond55 · 10/11/2014 00:06

He IS abusing you, no 'think' about it. He is bullying, abusing, and controlling you. And he DOES call you names. At the very least he called you a 'klutz' and made fun of your clumsiness. And not just in front of your children, he encouraged them to make fun of you too!!! I'm a bit clumsy too, and prone to tripping, my DH certainly never makes fun of it. As a matter of fact, he is very careful of me to see that I don't trip or drop things. That's what a good husband does, not make fun of you.

And if he thinks you want to leave him but he 'can't try harder', then he should be saying 'I want you to be happy, if you have to leave for that, I understand'. Not try to blame you or make you feel that you must justify your feelings.

Sweetheart, I know you already know all these things. But you mustn't let him play head games with you. At the very least, you need to understand and accept the reality of your marriage. That you are the victim of a mean, abusive man. The decision to leave must be yours when you find the courage. But make your decision to leave or stay based on the reality.

26Point2Miles · 10/11/2014 00:07

When you left him 6 months ago... Where did you go and how did you manage?

Notmeagain1 · 10/11/2014 01:37

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you and your DCs, your H is definitely mentally abusing you and it wont be long before he starts in on the children. I respect that you want to leave him and arw starting to get a plan together. Get a separate secret savings account and save all rhe money you can. Get your escape, yes escape, plan worked out, you do jot deserve to be ridiculed in fromt if your children or ILaws. Thats just wrong on so many levels. You may have undiagnosed medical condition that can cause you to be "clumsy" and he should support you not ridicule you. What a twat.

I can tell you have a very strong constitution to be able to withstand what you have. Now you need to take that strength and do what you know you need to do.

As for the DCs, they are resilient and will adapt to whatever is thrown at them. As long as mum is happy and healthy, they will be fine. They may surprise you and do absolutely bloody perfect. You may see positive changes in them, it actually would surprise me if they did not.

Please use the wise advise offered up by pp. MNers are a wonderful group of scary intelligent strong women. Take care of yourself and dcs. There is a bright loving future out there for you.

Notmeagain1 · 10/11/2014 01:38

Sorry for the typo's on my phone in bed.

MNHQ

ChristmasKateMumsnet · 10/11/2014 12:39

Hullo,

We're just going to move this to relationships at the request of the OP.

Quitelikely · 10/11/2014 12:52

OP I wish my post wasn't true but unfortunately it is correct. Do you know where you husband learned his abusive nature? Father? Step father maybe?

NameChange30 · 10/11/2014 13:27

I don't think it's a given that the OP's children are going to become abusive. If the OP leaves her husband and gives her children the right support there is no reason they won't turn out just fine. Let's not make the OP feel any worse than she already does.

How are you today, firefly? Did you decide to sign the paperwork for the house?

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