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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just left the house...

53 replies

Jellified · 01/11/2014 03:47

I am in my car because my H has told me to get out. I don't know what to do or where to go. I have 3 children.
I am here because he is angry and he has probably had a considerable amount to drink. I say probably because I can tell he has been drinking by his demeanour and the smell. He also smelt of alcohol fairly early on today ( before lunch)
He is angry because he has found out that DS age 14 is on FB and that I didn't tell him. Older DS also uses FB but, he is aware of it. There is no deliberate attempt to keep anything secret on my part- actually didn't think it was important ds is old enough to have an account and is quite sensible.
Have really just posted to get this off my chest. I need to go and book into a hotel or B & b for the night and then think about what to do next.
I have posted about problems before please don't be pissed off with me for not taking the advice to LTB. Life isn't always so simple.

OP posts:
Helicoptopus · 01/11/2014 03:53

Hope you're not too shaken by it all and that your DCs are ok. Fingers crossed you find somewhere to go and can get some rest x

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 04:04

Thanks so much Hellicoptus. I can check into a hotel or something so will be ok on that front.
Have just got a voicemail from H asking me to call and let him know that I'm safe?! Also DS needs to finish his UCAS form this weekend and H thinks it important that I am there to support this. I don't want to speak with him and don't want to go home at the moment.

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Justpickone · 01/11/2014 04:14

Sorry f you've said but where are the DC? Is he going to go off about Facebook while you aren't there?

LoveBeingGetAGrip · 01/11/2014 04:22

Find somewhere to go and book in and turn your phone off. Have some sleep, breakfast and then think about what you want to do x

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 01/11/2014 04:34

If he's drunk and has a temper on him are the kids going to be ok? Especially DS who this is about?

I'm worried about you too, but you know you need to send him packing, you can stay at a hotel etc if you want to, you have choices, the kids don't :(

Why are you staying with him?

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 04:37

DCs are at home. Don't think he will go off on one with them. The objection was not that DS is on FB just that I didn't tell him. I honestly didn't think anything of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 04:41

At a service station so will go and get a hot drink and then sort out a room.
Good idea to turn the phone off. Though don't think he will call again tonight I don't want my battery to run out and it's the only communication I have at the moment.

OP posts:
ChillingGrinBloodLover · 01/11/2014 04:52

I hope you can find somewhere. I just drove two hours home because the hotel I'd booked was grim and it was all village type places, not the sort of place where you try to book in at 10pm. Also just wanted my own bed.

If you book in, send the kids with phones a text to say you are ok, have booked into a hotel & will call or see them tomorrow, well, later today.

Try to get some sleep, make the most of the hotel & the peace.

Then spend sometime tomorrow working out why the hell you stay with him, what you hope to achieve & the cost of that to you and the kids.
X

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 05:04

Plenty of premier in type places within 20 mile radius. Really don't want to go home at the moment. Need to get my head straight and do some thinking.
Will contact the boys in the morning and will try and speak to Dd- she is only 9 and doesn't have a phone so I can't text herSad

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2014 05:57

I think you should call the police and tell them you've been barred from your own home by an aggressive drunken husband and that you're frightened to return. Your DCs must be very alarmed and upset wondering where you are and, if he's been drinking all day, he's not to be trusted with their welfare. I'm sorry you're n an abusive relationship. Please get the authorities involved

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 06:35

Hi Cogito. I have called the police in the pastSad but nothing has happened this time. I left because I didn't want it to turn into a fight and get into a 'conversation' where I was made to feel that I was being unreasonable or that my response would be twisted and used against me. I'm not frightened - he has said he won't touch me so that I have no reason to call the police. I think he is really quite worried that I will which in some ways makes it even worse because he is completely aware of what he can and can't get away with. It is all a bit bonkers really.
I need to do some serious thinking. I have some important decisions to make.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 06:40

DCs won't be up for some time yet. I have 2 very lazy teens and dd was very late going to sleep as we had a snugly story which was too good to
Put down last night.
Will make my way over towards home soon though but will park up near by rather than going in just yet.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2014 06:43

With respect, you are frightened. Or a least you are nervous enough of his reaction that you have been driven from your home and your children rather than risk a fight. You have learned from previous bad experiences and that's why you posted sitting outside your own home in your car. That's really not the way a couple in a healthy, non-abusive relationship would resolve disagreements and his drunkenness is reason enough to call the police. Your DCs are seeing all this. He damn well should be worried.

I hope you reach the right decision for you and your DCs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2014 06:44

Park up nearby rather than letting yourself into your own home? And you say you're not frightened? Hmm

Yarp · 01/11/2014 06:47

My gut reaction is the same as Cogito's

You left because you feared a confrontation.

Your children are alone with him, and he is drunk

SanityClause · 01/11/2014 06:48

What do you mean "nothing has happened"?. You were sent away from your home! If he didn't want to be with you, surely it was up to him to leave? And surely you had reason to fear what he might do if you didn't leave. Or when he told you to leave, you would have just refused.

Incidentally, not telling him your DS was on Facebook? This is a 14yo! Surely, he should have his own relationship with him, to know that. His relationship with his 14yo DS is not your responsibility!

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 07:27

I know you are all absolutely right and I really have some big decisions to make. I have been holding in because I thought leaving would be too disruptive for the DCs. Stupid excuse I know. Also has been some months since the police involvement and I really thought things were improving all be it slowly.
And thank you for the comment re FB that was my thought too. If he had a better relationship with DS he would no doubt have mentioned it to him.

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LoveBeingGetAGrip · 01/11/2014 07:30

This is not a relationship you children should be observing, this is how they will learn things should be. Set them a good example

Footle · 01/11/2014 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 08:04

Dear jellified I hope you are okay.

Also DS needs to finish his UCAS form this weekend and H thinks it important that I am there to support this. Shock Your h thinks he can scare you enough to make you leave the home (and tell you to get out Angry) but also demand that you are back to complete specific tasks.

The phrase which springs to mind is WHO DIED AND MADE HIM KING AngryAngry.

Can I ask in what other ways your h is completely irrational and controlling? Not knowing that your 14 year old is on FB is not a reason to kick off like this. Nothing is.

I think you need to access your own anger to protect yourself and build yourself a new life with your dc but without him.

Do you have the support of your own family and friends?

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 09:07

Just arrived home and guess what? The door is bolted- I am not surprised it is what I would expect from him. He will be asleep and the front door is a long way from bedrooms so no point in knocking.
He is controlling in a number of ways and often over really trivial stuff for example I was late leaving work last week (about 6.30pm) I rang as I was leaving explaining that I had been working on something which needed to be finished. He went ballistic and said he was going out in 15 minutes and I need to get home to be with DCs. It takes me 40mins to an hour to get home. He is a SAHP his choice not mine.

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Delphine31 · 01/11/2014 09:15

If he has locked you out, does that mean your children are locked in with him? This will be distressing for them. Time to call the police I think...

And it sounds as though it is him who should be leaving, not you. You need to feel safe in the house with your DCs. If that's not possible he needs to be the one to leave.

Humansatnav · 01/11/2014 09:16

Call the police and let them know that he has locked you out of your home.
He is abusive, controlling and manipulating you. If not police then call woman's aid and speak to someone irl.

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 09:30

So what are you doing now jellified?

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 09:37

Would rather not call the police. I will be let in soon. I will contact WA though to discuss my options. The house belongs to his brother so I'm not sure where I stand really apart from the fact that he won't go as he honestly thinks that I am in the wrong again.
Have access to money for deposit etc but would really rather look in a planned way than be rushed into it

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