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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just left the house...

53 replies

Jellified · 01/11/2014 03:47

I am in my car because my H has told me to get out. I don't know what to do or where to go. I have 3 children.
I am here because he is angry and he has probably had a considerable amount to drink. I say probably because I can tell he has been drinking by his demeanour and the smell. He also smelt of alcohol fairly early on today ( before lunch)
He is angry because he has found out that DS age 14 is on FB and that I didn't tell him. Older DS also uses FB but, he is aware of it. There is no deliberate attempt to keep anything secret on my part- actually didn't think it was important ds is old enough to have an account and is quite sensible.
Have really just posted to get this off my chest. I need to go and book into a hotel or B & b for the night and then think about what to do next.
I have posted about problems before please don't be pissed off with me for not taking the advice to LTB. Life isn't always so simple.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 01/11/2014 09:37

Definitely call the police, also text your DCs to make sure they're okay. Sad

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 09:44

Just tried WA not there until 10 am.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2014 09:48

Hope you get through to WA at 10am. Realistically, if it's not your house and he's not going to leave then, if you want things to improve, you're probably looking at moving out with the DCs, possibly into refuge until you can arrange accommodation for you all more permanently. His behaviour sounds appalling.

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 09:49

Texting disaster I am in my car on the drive waiting for someone to come down and open the door. I need to go and find a toilet somewhere.
I really want to be by myself for the day ( away from h) but know I need to be with the children and can't just go off without explanation. So I need to go in.

OP posts:
lemisscared · 01/11/2014 09:52

How did he get you into the state where you think this is anywhere near normal? Sad

Dowser · 01/11/2014 10:01

Oh dear. This is as it happens!

I can feel the adrenalin for you and I'm sending you lots of courage and strength this morning, turning the jelly to steel.

A cool head, a calm but firm demeanour and a no nonsense attitude.

bobs123 · 01/11/2014 10:03

Can you not text/call one of the dc to let you in? HE would probably just not answer

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 10:41

Hi Lemisscared - I don't think this is normal in any way, shape or form. It is however not unusual behaviour for my H. The reason I left the house was that had I stayed he would have gone on and on until he had the 'correct' response from me basically an admission of guilt followed by a lecture on my unreasonableness. I wasn't prepared to listen and the only way to stop it was for me to remove myself from the situation.
I have been at this point before but strangely I am feeling much braver and think this might be the time I get to the top of the wall and climb over it.
Checking out my options on right move and will contact family over the weekend.
Thanks for the vibes Dowser - I am actually feeling pretty calm considering.

OP posts:
poppysqueak · 01/11/2014 10:47

Jelli
Wishing you continued courage to 'climb over the wall' as you so eloquently put it, to peace and happiness for you and your dcs on the other side and beyond.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 01/11/2014 10:54

Are you in the house yet.

I hope this is the time you climb over the wall. You will take your DC with you won't you? You can't leave them there, with him.

textingdisaster · 01/11/2014 10:55

From me too jellyfield. Thanks

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 11:37

Not in the house yet. Decided to go to leisure centre for a shower and to freshen up as was feeling pretty revolting.
I answered the phone to him just before I went in - when will I be back, shouldn't have lost his temper but, blah, blah. Oh and he will unbolt the door and really concerned for my safety [i need some rolling eyes here]
Have arranged to see a house to rent on Monday. Will keep trawling.
Thanks again for all the advice and support Thanks

OP posts:
Custardo · 01/11/2014 11:45

glad that you are feeling stronger. he sounds like an utter penis

bobs123 · 01/11/2014 11:58

Good for you Jelly. It's a process to go through before you reach the decision that it's time to make the move and it seems like you might have reached it Flowers
I do think you made the right choice to go the leisure centre to give yourself time to strategize think rather than waiting outside the house

Neverknowingly · 01/11/2014 12:14

so concerned for your safety that he bolted the door? arse.

QuintsTombWithAWiew · 01/11/2014 12:15

His words and his actions dont correspond. Good luck with the flat hunt!

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 12:23

You do know that he would've known you were outside, don't you? He will deny this forever, but it's true. You were outside your own house, unable to gain access, from 9 am to 11.30 am - there is no way he wouldn't have known this.

You need to be very careful because he is a SAHD. Would your children choose to come with you or to stay with him?

I wish you'd called the police.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 12:40

You seem very blasé about all of this OP.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/11/2014 12:47

I think you may have bigger issues here op as he has positioned himself as the main carer of the kids and SAHP. This is a massive control tactic, unless you are sure the kids will come with you and you have child care in place for the future.

If he demands they stay then you will be in the position of being accused of abandoning them and paying him maintanence, and he gets all my the tax credits etc.

Thanks
Guiltypleasures001 · 01/11/2014 12:47

Oohs not my tax credits obviously as I don't claim them Confused

Original poster
Jellified · 01/11/2014 19:29

I will seek advice regarding maintenance etc. 17 yr old and 14 yr old are old enough to choose and as such don't need child care for the couple of hours after school . 14 yr old would probably chose to come with me (I hope) as would the 9 year old. 17 yr old would probably stay with H. The 9 yr old wld need after school club max of 3 times a week if she lived with me full time so not excessive at all.
I spoke with a solicitor some months back who says I have a very good case against him for unreasonable behaviour. I have papers ready to sign. Obviously none of this is set in stone
A pp asked why I hadn't left yet well I can't guarantee that I would be given residency in the short term, I may have to pay maintenance which I can't afford if I need to rent somewhere big enough for me (this area is expensive and I need to stay within reasonable distance of school) and DCs , I'm not the one who drinks, or is emotionally abusive. Unfortunately H doesn't see this and not sure the law always does either. Meanwhile I continue to work on my escape plan which includes viewing a house on Monday after work.
And yes I am quite calm because I need to be to get through this.

OP posts:
Hopingforpeace · 01/11/2014 19:54

Good luck Jellified. Hope you get things sorted and somewhere safe for your DCs and yourself.

ImperialBlether · 01/11/2014 19:54

This is why you should have called the police today, Jellified.

Put your 9 year old into after school care now and make sure you pick her up. If that's a well established procedure it'll make things easier.

LoveBeingGetAGrip · 01/11/2014 20:26

Yes get your plan sorted do not put yourself or anyone else in harms way but get it sorted and go ASAP. Good luck will be thinking of you

Dowser · 01/11/2014 20:41

Wondering if you are back home and even if not going well hoping its peaceful

Your children are a good age , by that I mean he's not left with tiny little ones that need more personal care...so that's a good thing.

Lots of good wishes coming your way and to him too in that he will also will be reasonable and calm for everyone's sakes.