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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband had emotional affair how can i trust him again

69 replies

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 15:10

hi everyone
just feeling so lost and confused, wondered if anyone else has been there.
married for 18 years and with what everyone thought was a 'great bloke'. he started acting weird in the spring and changed, a lot. I started feeling really suspicious that he was going out and had his mobile phone with him all the time. he said he needed freedom and to do his own thing, that's all. I tried to understand but it was such a shock and then he was lying about where he was and bunking off work, which was very out of character.
to cut a horrible story short, I kept asking him what was happening and trying to desperately think of ways to let him feel free and happy but had a pit in the stomach feeling that something else was going on. he said don't be stupid.
I broke into his phone and discovered everything I was thinking was happening. I was devastated and he said all they did was talk. she works with him and they met up secretly and text all the time. so I made him end it and after two months of us being really unhappy but trying to sort stuff I found out he'd been contacting her again.
how can I believe him and trust this person. please help

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 22/10/2014 15:14

I think you are asking the wrong question. Why should you believe and trust him again when he is lying to you? It's not about changing your own behaviour -- you are responding perfectly rationally to being lied to. The question is what will make him BE trustworthy again, and no one but him can answer that.

Is he showing remorse? Why did he start contacting her again?

I think it was very nice of you to try to stay together after him cheating, and the fact that he reacted to that by continuing to deceive you shows you what kind of person he really is. So my question is why do you want to stay with someone like this.

Vivacia · 22/10/2014 15:16

how can I believe him and trust this person.

You shouldn't, should you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2014 15:18

I agree with the PP.... Why would you believe and trust someone again when they've proved themselves to be a liar? Basic learning process is that if you get your fingers burned, you're wary of fire! It's his responsibility to prove himself worthy of your trust and, in the circumstances... (all they did was talk? really? ) ... he doesn't seem to be taking that very seriously.

BatchesAndCookies · 22/10/2014 15:21

unfortunately, I'd also be questioning whether it is indeed 'only' and emotional affair. They tend to only admit to what has been proven it seems.

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 15:25

it's so difficult to just stop those emotions when you didn't expect it. I have found him difficult at times as we all do but wouldn't have treated him like that. he is sorry but does say that if I hadn't made him unhappy he wouldn't have done it. I don't accept that statement.
we have been to counselling which is a waste of time in my opinion but he liked it and says I 'm not making an effort to move on and look at why this happened. I have said that it's hard to move on when the deception and hurt are still so fresh and I think I am still in shock really.
I spoke to her and she then text me an apology but after they have both seen each other again and I found out again I was really angry and text her. all she did was send the text to him! and to top it all his mum who I thought was a good person has blanked me and only sent me a card on my birthday and refused to see me. I asked him why would she do this and he said well I told her how unhappy I was.
I do have supportive friends around me but it's never straight forward to just stop what you have and although I have talked about splitting to actually follow through and do it seems almost impossible and I feel more confused now than before.

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 15:36

I do have doubts as to whether it's sex as well but tbh I am so hurt already it doesn't make a difference. in fact I think the emotional intimacy is so damaging. we have to teenagers as well. everyone has always thought we were the perfect couple too so there's this invisible pressure to just sort it out and make it all better. when I think about leaving him it feels like a weight has been lifted...............I think I'm answering my question aren't I?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 22/10/2014 15:36

It's so difficult to just stop those emotions when you didn't expect it.

You can't just turn your emotions off, but you have to behave rationally in order to protect yourself and give your emotions something to follow.

he is sorry but does say that if I hadn't made him unhappy he wouldn't have done it. I don't accept that statement.

Nor should you. It's not an apology if followed by a "but you didn't...".

I 'm not making an effort to move on and look at why this happened.

But it's obvious. He's a lying, duplicitous person who decided to betray you.

...I was really angry and text her. all she did was send the text to him! and to top it all his mum who I thought was a good person has blanked me and only sent me a card on my birthday and refused to see me. I asked him why would she do this and he said well I told her how unhappy I was.

Are you actually in a relationship with him? This sounds as though you are the third wheel.

I do have supportive friends around me but it's never straight forward to just stop what you have and although I have talked about splitting to actually follow through and do it seems almost impossible and I feel more confused now than before.

What's your alternative?

worserevived · 22/10/2014 15:37

'he is sorry but does say that if I hadn't made him unhappy he wouldn't have done it.'

Spineless little weasel. Honestly, statements like that make me so angry. He decided to have an affair (emotional or otherwise, but if I were you I'd assume otherwise) all by himself. His decision, his responsibility. If he was so unhappy he could have spoken to you about it, and made steps to make things better. Instead he chose to transfer his attentions to someone else. That is not your fault, and don't for one minute even begin to allow him to pin any of this on you.

My personal opinion, you gave him a chance to show he was committed to your marriage, and he chose to contact OW again. You can't trust him. If he was doing everything in his power to show his commitment maybe you could begin to take tentative steps towards a reconciliation, but not like this. Best thing you can do is kick him out. Nothing works like a cold sharp dose of reality.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/10/2014 15:51

Crochet you poor woman. I'm so sorry you are having to face this hurt

I think you should read dreamingbohemian's reply. It's not about working out how you can trust him again. Why should you? He has repeatedly proved himself to be totally untrustworthy

It should be about him working out how to make himself trustworthy again. Wgich he should be doing on bended knee.

But he's not really renorseful is he? He's just pissed off that he's been caught

Forget about his mother and the OW. They are a distraction from the real issues. And don't foregt he is lying to both of them as well as you.

Throw his sorry arse out OP. You need time to think and reflect without his arseholrey distracting you. Get some legal advice. Gather you friends and family around you and look after yourself

Good luck

loloftherings · 22/10/2014 16:09

The first step is admitting he's in the wrong.
He hasn't done that, he's shifted blame onto you.
I think EAs can be overcome if someone has just 'got too close' to someone else but only if they are commited to NC with the OP and admit wrong, apologise, commit to the relationship.
If he's unhappy he might not want to.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2014 16:10

I'm sorry OP but he's taking the piss. He's lied, insulted you and now is seemingly trying to pin some of the blame on you, even including Mommy Dearest in his rationalising pity party.

Don't try to forgive someone who is showing you nothing but contempt. 'Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me' etc.

Think about a separation.

yougotafriend · 22/10/2014 16:19

when I think about leaving him it feels like a weight has been lifted...............I think I'm answering my question aren't I?

YES, YES, YES

I was in your shoes 5 years ago - he told me it was partly my fault and I fell for it....5 years later we're splitting up anyway, I do wonder how I allowed myself to sacrifice the last 5 years to his needs, but I wish I'd been on MN then, I think i would have acted differently and felt stronger to do what I knew in my heart was right for me.

Jan45 · 22/10/2014 16:21

On the outside the most unhappiest couple can appear to have it all, don't buy into that crap, it's never true.

Sorry OP, you can't trust him again, I would doubt very much you know the full story, you only know the tip of the iceberg I'm sure, including sex, which I am sure they are partaking in, why else would he be risking it all - for a friend, don't think so.

Please kick him to the kerb, salvage your self respect, don't let him drag you down to his level, the fact he is blaming you says it all, he doesn't give a fuck apart from his own happiness. Please get angry now and get him gone.

Jan45 · 22/10/2014 16:22

Apart from anything else, he sounds a very weak and cowardly person.

IrianofWay · 22/10/2014 16:36

Clearly you can't trust him again. For three BIG reasons:

He lied and saw her again.
He tried to blame you and has alienated you from other people because of this.
He wants you to 'move on' in no time at all - translation 'I want to focus on how it's all your fault because it isn't very nice being stopped from seeing OW and then being made to feel guilty'

Twat!

StopStalkingMe · 22/10/2014 17:00

I couldn't trust mine again, not really. I think it's so very hard to come back from it. It would be a deal breaker for me with no second thought now, but back then, my low self-esteem blinkered me to it all and I was in serious denial/minimalising. It is so very disrespectful to you, really.

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 17:08

gosh, thanks to you all for all your advice. I know if it was someone else I would be screaming, LEAVE. I'm shocked I haven't ended it and many times we've been nearly there and I back out. love is so powerful that it blinds you and I didn't get women who put up with crap until this happened. Oh, and to top it all he was falling in love with her. It has made me poorly and I'm so worn out. he has refused to leave for me to have a break. he said he wants us to look at why he did it and to make changes to our marriage so we can both be happier. My concern is that if I make myself vulnerable again to trusting him and in 6 weeks/months/years he feels crap and starts 'talking' to a colleague again I will be so hurt.
If you look on the internet all the articles say that you shouldn't throw away a marriage and you should work at it and you will come out stronger. I don't know if I can do that, I know two people who have done that and I always thought it was pretty rubbish then I'm in it and now it's all sooooooooooooo confusing!!

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 22/10/2014 17:13

"he said he wants us to look at why he did it and to make changes to our marriage so we can both be happier"

Well that's all well and good but the big thing that needs addressing is that he betrayed you and had an affair. THAT is the issue that you need to address first and until that is done and dusted and you feel safe again nothing else matters.

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 17:16

hi stopstalking me - your spot on - self esteem takes a bashing in this situation and I see myself as a mug for letting this drag on but the other part of me is stuck in this process of working through making sure I do make the right decision............does that make sense? is that what happened to you?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 22/10/2014 17:19

For goodness, sake again he is thinking only of himself, it would disrupt his little snide life if he was to leave, please, please get rid of him, at least until you can decide what YOU want, remember you?

I guarantee if you keep sweeping his behaviour under the carpet like this, I would give it no more than a few months and he will be either still at it with her or with someone else.

I know it's hard but he has had no consequence for his absolute shit behaviour towards you, he doesn't even sound sorry in the slightest.

Please either tell him to go or you go, stop allowing him to carryon shitting all over you with no come back, if you do, you really are saying treat me like shit and I will keep accepting it.

magoria · 22/10/2014 17:26

He got close to another woman lied to you about it for months. Only stopped when you asked him to long enough to get you off his back. As soon as he thought you were back in your box he resumed contact.

He has portrayed such a shit view of your relationship his own other has dumped you.

What is to trust?

Where is the respect for you?

All the counselling seems to be for making his life better and to beat you with a big shitty stick.

I suggest with a man like this who has lied and secretly met up with the OW you get to an STI clinic asap.

It is better to be alone than so disrespected.

StopStalkingMe · 22/10/2014 17:27

Yes, I'm ashamed to say. It dragged on like a slow, painful death for two years until he left me citing the ever famous 'I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore' line. We went to counselling (he half-heartedly participated), I read loads of books (he didn't), trying to 'understand' him (coz the problems were mine, apparently). Problem was, I should have gotten more books about 'Assholes' to read!
I had a very rigid belief that marriage was forever, in sickness and in health, yada, yada.....ad nausem. I was resident door-mat for years longer than I should have been. I wish I had the courage and self-esteem to leave (looking back, I would have left in the first two years of marriage, before the kids came!)

The only 'right' decision you have to make now, is the one that will make you happy, keep your self-respect and give you the love you deserve. If that means leaving him, then so be it. Your life is yours, not dictated by another. Don't give away your power to someone else, like I did.

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 17:27

yep, put it like that and I need to get him out don't I? I'm even embarrassed sounding so indecisive but with everything that's happened it fogs your brain.

OP posts:

Original poster

crochetfever · 22/10/2014 17:32

stopstalkingme - your so right - when I get angry and say I want to split I feel so much better then after a few days of it he says one nice thing and I change my bloody mind again. it's pathetic really and I didn't think I was like that. I have to think of myself and not keeping everyone else from being upset. the kids, my parents, him and his family. very difficult but I need to bolster myself up and prepare for the inevitable for me to hold my head up high again. life is hard work isn't it?
thank youxx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/10/2014 17:33

It's ok to end your marriage. It really is.

You don't trust him because he has proved himself to be untrustworthy. Betraying you once, maybe you could work thorough. But twice ?

He has already made you ill by his behaviour and his shitty co-opting of your counselling sessions has made me feel very angry for you.

Maybe you should have some individual counselling to find out what happened to that self esteem you seemed to possess before he crushed it intothe ground

I don't know what articles you have been reading but they do not all say couples can be stronger after infidelity. Who recommended them to you ? Relate ? Fuck that shit.

Have you sen the ChumpLady website here ?

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