my husband had emotional affair how can i trust him again

[crochetfever]

hi everyone
just feeling so lost and confused, wondered if anyone else has been there.
married for 18 years and with what everyone thought was a 'great bloke'. he started acting weird in the spring and changed, a lot. I started feeling really suspicious that he was going out and had his mobile phone with him all the time. he said he needed freedom and to do his own thing, that's all. I tried to understand but it was such a shock and then he was lying about where he was and bunking off work, which was very out of character.
to cut a horrible story short, I kept asking him what was happening and trying to desperately think of ways to let him feel free and happy but had a pit in the stomach feeling that something else was going on. he said don't be stupid.
I broke into his phone and discovered everything I was thinking was happening. I was devastated and he said all they did was talk. she works with him and they met up secretly and text all the time. so I made him end it and after two months of us being really unhappy but trying to sort stuff I found out he'd been contacting her again.
how can I believe him and trust this person. please help

OP. I was in a similar position to you. When you see the solicitor ask about how much maintenance she thinks you will be entitled to and about how quickly you can get to decree nisi (you can do this without having finalised children or finances). At this point the court has power to order maintenance for you.

thank you ssme and 3mum for those bits of advice. I will be investigating that tomorrow
xxx

Op if her husband knew it's unlikely she would still be in the house or that she would have much time for your husband , she would be too busy doing damage control. I'd presume he didn't know and inform him. Let him deal with his wife.

Hi OP. Hope you're OK and managed to get some rest last night

One bit of advice from a woman who has been there - don't bother with the OW. Her and her marriage are not your concern. All that does is to eat up the emotional energy and headspace that you have to deal with your own issues. Ad it won't make one jot of difference to your future happiness

You are getting some great advice here and you seem to be absolutley ready and able to make this happen. And I for one wish you all the very best

I am going through the start of this problem, i was hoping to find hope here but there doesn't seem to be any.
His Mum is helping me now but i know that will change

I am in counselling with relate £35 a time and only i will go. My husband started this online/facebook affair also meeting her outside our house everynight. He has ended it but now says he was unhappy anyway and is not sure if he wants to stay.
After 32 years of marriage and being with him from i was 15 i am in bits. Of course i want him to stay, kids, family want him to stay. But he won't commit to anything so we are all left in limbo. He is 53
Waiting for the moment he just says thats it. There is no one that can help so if i want him i have to wait and wait which is driving me mentel.

He won't talk to me or not at least anything that makes sense. this happened in August and ended then. Nothing physical happened but his head is a mush.
I am begining to think he has depression but he won't see a doctor.

He is worried about who knows as he has always been great and well thought of. But i needed someone to talk when i thought he was just leaving.

He is tried , started drinking in the house (more) doesn't seem to have any feeling, memory loss. Even is off with his Mum and doesn't notice

All this change happened in 2 weeks, but he thinks nothing is wrong just his feelings

This woman came up and down our road and started stroking his ego which maybe i missed that he needed this. We were great before

codyben why not start your own thread.

Why is it our job to notice that a man's ego needs stroking tho? And theregore our fault if we don't do the stroking and someone else offers... I don't buy it.

codyben I see you already have a thread

I am so sorry to hear your predicament codyben. it does just stop your world doesn't it. the men in these situations don't really seem to be able to just take responsibility, that is what is so difficult, as well as the lies and trust issues. seriously, can you imagine if we did this sort of thing. my husband would have thrown me out and him through a window at the very least, but he does it and I should try and work through it!!!
it is arrogant I think. I go through each day expecting some revelation to help me see clearly but I have had so many red flags I need to pay attention and think these are my revelation.
codyben - you will find yourself in a state of shock and confusion for a while and probably within that some moments of clarity where you feel you know the right thing to do...........then it all collapses again. It's a journey and although you will hate every minute of it you are travelling through it all and at some point will make the decision that is right for you.
It is such a personal decision that even though I think I will leave my husband, that may not be right for you.
Don't beat yourself up about what you feel and don't let him blame you either. It's never anyone's fault but theirs, remember that.
Goodluck and talk to whoever you need to. xxx

hi bitoutofpractice
I agree with you, don't want to get involved with her marriage, that's her problem. I think she's done it before anyway.............nice!!
I am going to call cab and try to find a solicitor and go from there.
How are you now? When did you break up? (if you don't mind me asking)x

Hello OP. I hope you had a successful day.

WE split up 2+ years ago. My heart was broken. I was nearly broken. And one of the things I did that I regret now was that I emailed the OW. It was pointless. She couldn't give a shit how upset I was. It didn't change a thing (he was still with her) and I lost s hellof a lot of dignity. And I was so low that my dignity was one of the fewthings I had to cling to!

Two and a bit years on I am very happy in a new relationship with a wonderful man.

I know it seems hard to believe noe but you will be happy again. Promise

crochet You know all that lovely, self confident advice I recently gave you? Well, today I am in bits because I found out that he was having another emotional affair before he left me. She's now his girlfriend. It may have been going on for over a year, I'll never know for sure.

Just when I think I'm moving along in the right direction, this tidbit of knowledge comes along. Grrrrrrr!

I must remember my own advice now!

The buggers just think they a prize to be won don't they?

Stand back and watch the drama unfold whist their families fall apart - but hey- their egos have never been in better shape as those Wives/OW/Object of EA all fawn over them.

In most cases the only talking they want to do "is how you can make me happy" because nothing exists outside of the "I deserve more, I'm special, it's not my fault" egocentric bubble.

The only way forward is to burst the bubble by a) not doing the pick me dance b) show them what they will lose by being decisive and making them experience the impact of separation.

hi stopstalkingme...........I'm so sorry to hear your news. the only thing I can think is, you're now in a happier place so you should give yourself praise for being so brave and getting on with your new life.
What he did to you is crap but it's his loss and you have a bright future. You'll be ok it's just shock at the moment.
It's good to hear positive stories - boopractice and I do see a future that is exciting once I get the ball rolling on this awfulness.
I have looked at legalaid and I might be able to get some due to finances and I have found 2 local solicitors who I am calling tomorrow who both offer free consultations. I feel empowered every time I think I shouldn't be with him, then I give in but my soul just feels crushed until I then react and decide again that I need to split. It's this horrible cycle of indecisiveness but I know I will get there eventually.
I tried asking him so more questions tonight but after a couple of answers he said the way I spoke was annoying him and left the room. he says that every time I ask stuff which makes him uncomfortable.
Tough..........he shouldn't have done it then!!

So glad to hear you are doing your research crochet (love your name btw, I'm a hooker myself )

It's that fear of the unknown that's making you second-guess yourself, really. When you think about it, it kinda goes against the laws of nature to head-dive into an unknown situation!

My advice is, keep researching. The more you think about what your 'new' life will look like, the less afraid you will be.

I'm better now after a good cry (or two, or three, maybe a few wails thrown in too). I pulled myself out of the deep by remembering that I didn't deserve any of it, that it was part of my past and I am indeed in a MUCH happier place now.

I would have been a wreck for days though a few months ago. Just shows time does heal (as annoying as it sounds when everyone says it to you!)

Here are the words that leapt out of your last post crochet

New life
Bright future
Exciting
Empowered
HappierPlace

Focus on them.

AS for him finding you annoying. Sheesh that made me cross. He's fucking find me nnoying if I spoke to him about his behaviour I can tell you!

StopStalking - het yiu are doing so well and your story is so inspiring for me and others. Bloosy well done (not meant as patronising although it sounds it!)

Aw, thanks Bit, though here I find myself at 1 in the morning unable to sleep coz I'm obsessing and weeping like a pathetic loser over it all today.

I don't even love him anymore and the thought of ever being with him again makes my skin crawl!! But here I am nursing my freshly opened scars. Again.

It is so hard, every day. Two steps forward, one step back. Today was my step back.

Hi BitOutOfPractice - you're right it is the unknown that keeps making me second guess...........it's when I decide I can do it I feel like ME again. lively and positive so I know it's the right thing to do. It's such a massive journey that scares me and telling the kids and my parents but I know it's for the best. Thank you
I am phoning the solicitor today!!
StopStalkingMe well today is one or two steps forward again. You're still on the journey and think how far you've already travelled. Maybe get some crochet stuff out and when you can't sleep at least you'll produce something lovely from his crap behaviour and you will feel much better. Lots of bright colours xx

It is scary crochet but just imagine the sense of achievment you will have when you get there. It's awesome!

Good luck with the solicitor. Imagine we are all there with you , cheering you on!

Sorry about the typos last night. I was a bit pissed squiffy!