my husband had emotional affair how can i trust him again

[crochetfever]

hi everyone
just feeling so lost and confused, wondered if anyone else has been there.
married for 18 years and with what everyone thought was a 'great bloke'. he started acting weird in the spring and changed, a lot. I started feeling really suspicious that he was going out and had his mobile phone with him all the time. he said he needed freedom and to do his own thing, that's all. I tried to understand but it was such a shock and then he was lying about where he was and bunking off work, which was very out of character.
to cut a horrible story short, I kept asking him what was happening and trying to desperately think of ways to let him feel free and happy but had a pit in the stomach feeling that something else was going on. he said don't be stupid.
I broke into his phone and discovered everything I was thinking was happening. I was devastated and he said all they did was talk. she works with him and they met up secretly and text all the time. so I made him end it and after two months of us being really unhappy but trying to sort stuff I found out he'd been contacting her again.
how can I believe him and trust this person. please help

crochet I am just on the other side of him leaving and I am now sooooo glad he did. I was so, so, so scared of being alone. But now that I am, I know I was scared of nothing really! My life is so much more peaceful and I am slowly coming into my own again and gaining my self-confidence back. You know why? Because I am proud of myself for the life I am creating now and knowing in my heart that I deserve to be happy. That was a huge psychological hurdle for me! Never again will I ever be with someone who doesn't respect me or love me just as much as I do them.

It is the toughest thing I have gone through so far in my life. But isn't anything that's worth it? I wouldn't have it any other way.

okay, I'm really glad I went on here - I need some boost to get me through this limbo part and I do really clearly imagine my life if he wasn't in it. that's the word - peaceful - I do know if I muster the courage, what I should do. Relate was pants! and all the other counselling did was to talk about how I should go for a job and said that he was obviously really upset and I shouldn't ask for a break as that wouldn't achieve anything!!
I want to be cherished just for being me, not some whizzy new woman!!
HAHA I think I can do it....................xx

Peace of mind

Priceless.

chumplady - brilliant, thank you xx

Here's the thing - you can't fix what's out of your control.

You didn't fuck up your marriage - he did.

You can't make him faithful, trustworthy or considerate and loving. He CHOOSES to be none of these things and CHOOSES to blame you.

What is in your control is to stop listening to his shit and place the fault, distress and emotional turmoil where it truly resides- with him - then cut it loose.

Yes it's a big decision but the alternative is remain and act as his emotional garbage disposal unit.

Let him process his own shit and turn your focus to building a positive life away from this emotional vampire.

it is liberating reading all your replies and just what I needed. thank you.
you can't see clearly when you're in the awfulness.

he has refused to leave for me to have a break. he said he wants us to look at why he did it and to make changes to our marriage so we can both be happier.

Say, "I need some time on my own. If you want a chance of repairing our marriage you will do this one thing. Now, what's it to be?".

I said that and he said you can leave, you know where the door is.

So he's not willing to even try to save his marriage. You now know exactly what terms he wants to be in a relationship with you - no love, no respect, no faithfulness, no trust.

when I put down on this website what"s happened I feel angry that I've put up with it already! I didn't think I would ever be in this situation.
yeah he expects me to look at what needs changing and he's said he doesn't even know if he wants to stay..............that's weird isn't it?

I can't believe he said that. This man has no respect for you whatsoever, no respect for your marriage and absolutely no remorse for what he's done.

He will not change.

It's not "weird". It's shitty, pompous, arrogant and disrespectful.

that's why I'm still here really, when we talk seriously about splitting up he can say a few meaningful things and apologise and looks really sad, then when I think back on how he treated me and lied to my face and told me to give him space...........I can't believe he said all that knowing that he was just lying. it's like a different person is living with me now.

Can I suggest a change?

Go see a solicitor and file for divorce from this self absorbed prick.

The only thing wrong with you is that you are married to an asshole. Fortunately you that fixable and you can put this behind you and regain your self esteem.

He'll still be an asshole - just a divorced one.

Feel angry! Use that to give you the courage to do what you need to do. I nearly broken my vac the other week venting through some vigorous housework! I suspect you have been the little door-mouse for quite some time. Be angry now and demand what you need for yourself.

he told you where the door is when you asked him to do the one thing that would help you get some space and process what has happened ?

vile little man

yes your both so right - anger is really helpful in moving through stuff. he's always been quite dominant and then one of the reasons he's so unhappy is because he said that I just dictate everything with the kids!!
which was almost funny coz everyone thinks he's really dominant, even the kids moan about it.................
I will call a solicitor, only problem I don't really have any money ...but to get legalaid I think you have to be in physical danger,,, am I right?

yes he's said lots of horrible things and lots of nice things and then tells me how sorry he is. all crap I think.
I text her and asked if her husband knows................she didn't reply.
nice

Unfortunately it is unlikely you will be able to get legal aid unless you can prove there is abuse in the relationship. I would call what he has done, and is still doing, emotional abuse but unfortunately the legal system doesn't seem to agree with me

Why don't you give Women's Aid a call and see what they say. It won't hurt. And also see if there are any family law solicitors in your area that offer the first half hour free. Knowledge is power here. Also CAB/entitledto website for what financial support you would be up for.

At the moment, he thinks he is the Big I Am with all the control. He is wrong.

yes I have phoned women's aid but they just had an answerphone on even when it was meant to be open. I will try them again. I have done the turn2us calculator, great website and have all the info. I told him that and he was really shocked that I'd looked to see if I could live here without him coz he earns most of the money. what did he expect me to do!!

Try WA again, or email them, They are very busy (unfortunately)

Lovey, I recommend you don't tell him any of your activities now. Do your own thinking, your own factfinding and keep your powder dry. You haven't made any decisions yet, so don't let his selfish and callous disregard for your well being have any further influence on you.

If he won't leave, you need to stop signposting what you are thinking to him. He didn't afford you that courtesy did he, when you were in the dark about his extramarital activities ?

I'd start divorce proceedings at this point. He's trying to do what all cheaters do which is cake eat. He doesn't want a divorce yet neither wants a full relationship with ow. I'd also tell her husband.

god your so right..........even my kids tell me I'm crap at lying and I really can't hide stuff. I need to toughen up so I can get thru this once and for all. thank you anyfucker - great advice xx

well I thought I"d text her to find out whether she's told him as my husband claims he doesn't know. tbh I don"t believe him. only problem is she hasn"t replied so I don"t know.

CAB was my first stop and I got a half hour free solicitor through them (though my situ was straight forward) My friend got legal aid because of her financial situ, so I would find a solicitor and tell them you'd like to try for legal aid as not all work with it. Firstly though, he needs to leave. And do not speak a word of any of this to him! He's like the little devil on your shoulder, planting doubts, threats, maybe even a few tidbits of false love. You are sleeping with the enemy now and need to protect yourself.