what would you do if this was your mum

[saltnpepa]

She lives in Spain (thank goodness) and called today to say she is visiting some distant relative in UK, has booked her flight and will see us when she comes. We are away the week she has booked to come. I asked why she didn't check we would be home before booking, she had no answer. She told me that I was spoiling her trip by saying she should have called to arrange, said I was 'full of poison' and couldn't believe she'd given birth to me, that my fecking family is boring and finally that we should cancel our holiday or take her with us. Finally she said this trip wasn't about me anyway. Seriously why do I bother?

God knows. She sounds horrible!

I'd do nothing. Don't change your plans.

Good God.

I would

a. get caller display
b. make sure your house is fully secured while you are away
c. not call her back
d. when she next calls, answer anything she says with 'Who cares? You're a complete overgrown toddler anyway who can't organise herself enough to check that people will be at home when she wants to call, and is so self-centred that she expects them to cancel a holiday so that she won't have to hear the word 'no'. Then put the phone down.

She sounds like a 5yo throwing a hissy fit. Just like with a 5yo, you have to call their bluff.

As painful as it might be, don't change your plans.

Her parting shot was that she'll come the week before and change her flight, saying how did she know it would end up this way and that I could sour milk. Oh yes I really fancy a visit now. She has treated me like crap my whole life.

Don't change your plans. She took no account of yours in hers so don't feel bad about saying "tough"

Tell her that now you know she'll be coming the week before, you've extended your holiday by a week and won't be there then either...

Didn't you ask why on earth she wanted to see you given her contempt for you and your family? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, after that abuse from her, I would go NC if I were you.

We must have the same mother. Mines just done the same thing, why wouldn't I be free on in a weeks time on 2 working days so she can visit?! Thankfully my lovely brother has talked her down as me being at work and kids in holiday club was taken to be yet more proof of how I hate her.

Stick to your plans, I am!

I would feel glad I was going away.
Then I'd consider going away the week before as well.

Really, it sounds like it's always been this way - don't let it bother you.

When is this new date? What will you be doing?

Because I'd be contacting her back to say how dare you even think of speaking to me like that - don't you dare show your face here, you're not welcome!

If there is a reason why you can't simply stand up for yourself in that vein - ask yourself why and get across to the Stately Homes thread.

saying how did she know it would end up this way and that I could sour milk

Truly - what a thoroughly unpleasant woman. I can't be bothered with people who won't own their shit. She fucked up and is gleefully taking it out on you, put out that you won't turn your life upside down to repair her gaff!

I would ignore her, go on holiday as planned, and thereafter keep my distance.
If she asked why I'd say "I have had enough of you to last me a lifetime - go and bully someone else. Goodbye."

She's the only family left on my side the kids have. I have a sister who is a bully too and I have gone nc with her. Last time my mum visited she said all I was to her was a noose around her neck and she only has one daughter (the other one). She had arranged with bully sister to visit some distant relative together and I said I was hurt that she had made plans with the distant relative to make sure she was home but not with us and that when my kids have children I will put my grandchildren before some distant relative. She said she didn't have to consult with me about her plans..eh? I explained that even the queen lets people know she's coming!!

why do you feel your kids need her in their lives?

not a member of family, not a grandparent, not the idea of a relative but her - the human being that she is?

'Ah, there's the thing, ma - you really should have checked before changing your flight, because after the way you spoke to me - and that was before you said I would sour milk - you're not welcome to visit any time soon. Enjoy your trip to the UK, but I won't be expecting you to turn up here'.

Wow talk about self absorbed. Does she seriously think you are just sitting twiddling your thumbs waiting for her to decide to visit?

Stick to your plans. Enjoy your holiday.

Tell her to fuck off. Seriously, you don't need horrible people in your life.

Just seen your second post. Walk away.

take no fucking notice?

that was my initial response. you'll be away. she didn't check. tough luck. if she wants to see you she can call another time and make proper arrangements.

tbh, with the horrible things your mother says, I wouldn't want to see her at all, but I hung on to my horrible mother till the bitter end, so who am I to talk?

just as a contrast - my mum said to me things like 'you should never have been born/pretend you don't exist/no-one will ever love you' and I say to my daughter 'I love you/you are everything to me/ I'm proud of you'. its the things I say to my daughter that are 'normal', or more accurately 'healthy', and your mum isn't saying those things to you.

it isn't you that's wrong, and you did nothing to deserve it. she's damaged and she can't give you proper love. poor her. but you can minimise the pain she causes through having counselling and even through refusing to see her.

The bully sister and mum have a 'good' relationship, it's respectful but very shallow and dishonest and they both bullied the crap out of my other sister. My other sister has gone nc with all family but mostly mum and bully sister and since then bully sister and mum have started on me with a vengeance. I am being blamed for all sorts of things which have nothing to do with me. I would love to find the resolve to go nc myself but just can't seem to do it. I feel guilty that I know her death (80 years old) will come as a relief.

The things your mother has said to you over the years are unacceptable.m really and truly.

How do you feel about telling her this? Do you feel the same way? Would you be able to tell her and then say you never want to be in contact with her ever again because you can't trust her not to be hurtful? And that it makes it worse that she is your mother.

I would then hang up, otherwise it will be a further act of abuse that you are subject to whereby she goes and says other really horrible things as a result of what you've said to her.

You truly have my sympathies but really, that is dreadfully hurtful behaviour from her.

When I had a boyfriend who hit me in my 20's she said I must have done something to deserve it, on my wedding day she said I looked better from behind, the list is endless. I have recovered from her and upbringing in general and have a good career, education, family and she says I'm stuck up and full of myself. Once I gave it to her straight and she said it was elder abuse and went entirely nuts.

Come on, saltnpepa you must know that you have to go NC. Typing out all the disgusting things she's said to you must surely have convinced you of that now, if you weren't sure before. You owe it to yourself, you really do. Please set yourself free from her.

So, as is so often the case with nasty people, she can dish it out ( and expects you to suck it up) but she can't take it. Enough is enough, salt, you've tried turning the other cheek, and being straight with her, and all you get is abuse. It's not worth it - your DC don't need a grandma who upsets their mum. Cast her off, join your non-bully sister in NC - does she know what's happening?

"Seriously why do I bother?" ---> You have answered your own question. Stop answering her phonecalls, stop any contact with her, and enjoy life without a toxic person in it.