what would you do if this was your mum

[saltnpepa]

She lives in Spain (thank goodness) and called today to say she is visiting some distant relative in UK, has booked her flight and will see us when she comes. We are away the week she has booked to come. I asked why she didn't check we would be home before booking, she had no answer. She told me that I was spoiling her trip by saying she should have called to arrange, said I was 'full of poison' and couldn't believe she'd given birth to me, that my fecking family is boring and finally that we should cancel our holiday or take her with us. Finally she said this trip wasn't about me anyway. Seriously why do I bother?

.....I have decided that after this visit I will send her a note with two dates a year for 3 days each when we are available for visits.....

I wouldn't even do that. Just go NC - you'll feel so much happier with your life. After all, what exactly does she contribute apart from negativity and pain?

She brings nothing and I think the sick old lady enjoys hurting other people. I know it in theory but in practice I can't seem to go nc....yet. This is my way of putting very clear boundaries. She has always been impossible and if I listed her abusive acts here it would take all day. She has never performed the basic functions of a mother, to be there and protect.

What would I do...?

tell her to fuck off & not to bother contacting me again!

Yes - it's not always so easy to take that first (but very big) NC step. Especially because they can often be master manipulators - turning all nice and thoughtful (for a short time) to reel you back in if they think their victim might be escaping.

(Think of a cat 'playing' with a mouse and letting it go for a short time so that the mouse thinks it's free - only to be hauled back in just when it's nearly got away.)

I think you should try it though, difficult though it may be to start off with. She's just bringing you down and she's not going to give up an easy victim without playing some games.

Remember, as well, that if you're not providing the satisfaction she wants then she might just start on the DCs. You don't want that - remember what your childhood was like - so going NC is not only protecting you but also protecting your whole family.

My father is a bully, although not nearly as bad as you're describing. He also lives abroad. After our last visit when he had me in tears several times I decided I'd had enough, particularly since I now have DD to think of and I never want to take the risk that she will be exposed to it - it's not normal and it's not healthy.

I wasn't at all close to my grandparents growing up, it's not the end of the world if DD only has 3 grandparents. I no longer speak to him, I just talk to my mum when I call.

But both my brother and mum think I'm being utterly unreasonable. They're so used to excusing and enabling his behaviour, and they're exposed to it so much more than I am that they don't see how damaging it is. My point is that your siblings won't see what she does to you, and they have their own issues associated with growing up with such a horrible parent. You shouldn't listen to them, draw your own lines and protect your DCs.

Dont change plans if someone really wants to see you they will respect you and wait. My parents can be like this only coming when it suits them.