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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what would you do if this was your mum

56 replies

saltnpepa · 31/07/2014 19:52

She lives in Spain (thank goodness) and called today to say she is visiting some distant relative in UK, has booked her flight and will see us when she comes. We are away the week she has booked to come. I asked why she didn't check we would be home before booking, she had no answer. She told me that I was spoiling her trip by saying she should have called to arrange, said I was 'full of poison' and couldn't believe she'd given birth to me, that my fecking family is boring and finally that we should cancel our holiday or take her with us. Finally she said this trip wasn't about me anyway. Seriously why do I bother?

OP posts:

pictish · 31/07/2014 23:08

Good lord but she's a piece of work.
She brings nothing positive to your life by the sounds of it.

Aussiebean · 01/08/2014 00:04

Don't feel guilty about the relief when they are dead thing. I have the same thought. Would mean that a big nasty presents in my life would be gone.

I think you know you need to go nc. But it is hard, so start slow. Wait for her to contact you. When she does be in the middle of something and don't have long. Don't give her any personal information about yourself or your family. To her, everything is great

And look after yourself.

MexicanSpringtime · 01/08/2014 03:05

And she still has your other sister, it's not as if you are leaving her alone in the world, much as she might deserve it

Floop · 01/08/2014 03:12

I would ignore.

And invest a new drinking game. Drink every time mum does something batshit.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2014 07:46

If it had been my mother I'd have laughed at her, told her she was being ridiculous, got as far as any elder abuse accusations and then put the phone down. Any more phone-calls would be met with .. 'have you called me to apologise?'.

Good job she lives in Spain, eh? Enjoy your holiday - sounds well-timed.

Nomama · 01/08/2014 07:55

So... you look better from behind do you?

Then she has given you a solution, show her your back and move on.

She sound worse than my Nana, and she was pretty evil!

Hissy · 01/08/2014 07:56

I second caller ID. Don't take her calls anymore and refuse to see her.

There really is no point to her at all.

Anything she says to you, give her the old "WhatEVA!"

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 08:03

This woman isn't a good person for your children to have in their lives. Go no contact, for all your sakes.

Original poster

saltnpepa · 01/08/2014 11:23

This is what always happens. She goes to bully sister and has a lovely visit all planned in advance and she never ever speaks to her like this. In the week before she visits she always causes major arguments with me on the phone and the visit is left unarranged and I don't know what her plans are. Then she sends a note saying what date she will come or call when I'm out and leave a message and then she calls the day before to say she is at bully sisters house and will come over the following day. There is never an apology but she expects us to be happy to see her and meet all her demands including dietary prefs ( ie no red foods!!!). If we show that we are hurt she goes ballistic screaming and shouting. One time she said to my DH that he is not the father to her grandchildren (he is, married etc) and then she accused him of being sulky when she visited. She wanted to come to see my son go to his first day at school but I said no (because I knew she would destroy it), so she's coming now despite me telling her we were free in July and even offering to buy her flight in a bid to try to control her visits. I hate her but can't seem to say no.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2014 11:31

I think you and DH should work as a team and keep the ridiculous woman out. She's nothing to him really, and he's probably just waiting for you to ask for his help to keep this nutty woman out of your life. (What the heck is 'no red foods' about???)

Two heads are better than one.

captainmummy · 01/08/2014 13:38

Shit - thank your lucky stars that you are on holiday when she comes! Seriously.

And what's all this 'she is the only one on your side of the family for your dc'? S What? My own dc have 2 GMs, neither of whom they see regularly. I'm NC with my own toxic sister and dad - are my dc deprived? Are they Hell !! DC do not need people like this in their lives. they need people who will love them, and respect them, and teach them how to love and respect others. Does she/Will she do this?

There's your answer. Access to your dc, by people like this, is actually more Harmful than it is helpful.

HumblePieMonster · 01/08/2014 15:14

'no red foods' could be aspie. i knew an aspie-ish girl who had 'no brown foods'.

Original poster

saltnpepa · 01/08/2014 17:03

Oh no she's not aspergers, red food reminds her of blood, yes not at all bonkers!

OP posts:

Hissy · 01/08/2014 19:45

So love, what do you think you can manage to do to resolve this? Could you just call dodge? Be out? tell her to ftfo?

Granville72 · 01/08/2014 19:57

My mother is the same, had a life time of 'wish I'd never had you', cant wait till you leave and get out my life', your no daughter of mine'.

Last time I spoke to her was 8 maybe more years ago. She ruined my childhood, and she will not ruin my adulthood

Original poster

saltnpepa · 01/08/2014 20:33

Graville how did you get the strength to do it? Do you have siblings? I keep in it with the finest grain of hope that one day she will get it, how to be a mother but I know she won't. There can be periods of peace and some sort of relationship but it's not long before it goes like this again. I thought it was interesting she said I am full of poison, it's as if that is what she tries to do, put all her poison in me while giving all her good (albeit fake) stuff to bully sister.

OP posts:

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/08/2014 21:00

If tell her that she's not welcome to visit never mind stay. Seriously.

Easier said than done granted.

captainmummy · 02/08/2014 08:47

Salt -you stop answering her calls, stop calling her. You are lucky that she lives in Spain and won't just pop round... Stop any communication with your sister too, as she will undoubtedly be used by your mum to punish you once she realises. Don't give her any info about your life, your DC, anything. If she emails, get it directed to a folder (keep but don't read) or delete unread. Ditto letters.
No big drama/bust up. Just quietly fade away.

Once you have made the choice, I don't doubt that you will feel guilty, but honestly you will also feel free. You don't need her, your DC don't need her, your little family don't need her.

Meerka · 02/08/2014 10:41

saltnpepa you need (i say this nicely!) some therapy to sort out why you can't shut the door on her. Really, she is a terrible example for your children and a drain on you taking energy that would be far better spent on your children.

I also think that if she dared to say that your children were not your husband's, then you need to take your husband's part and never see her again until she apologises. That is an awful thing to say. I suspect you are not standing up enough for your husband as well as yourself.

Standing up for yourslef is really really difficult though. No one who's been there underestimates it. Do find a skilled therapist, please; it's going to take you time and support.

Original poster

saltnpepa · 09/08/2014 06:05

update!!

She called and said she wanted to visit and would come a few days early to catch us and stay over to spend time with kids. I said after what she'd said I didn't feel very accommodating. She denied what she'd said but we talked for 45 mins about what is wrong in our relationship and she listened a bit although I had to keep talking her down from another tantrum.

Then she called and said she wouldn't be coming to stay after all because she would have to get out of bed at 5.30am to catch the only flight (cos she's not prebooked!). Now this is a woman who has no job and no dependents, I see it that she just can't be bothered. So she wants to come and visit for the day but then couldn't commit to a time to arrive. She tried to engage me in an argument but I got off the phone. I explained DD would be disappointed granny isn't having a sleepover, she wasn't that bothered by that.

Please remind me by average standards this is not normal behavior.

I have decided that after this visit I will send her a note with two dates a year for 3 days each when we are available for visits and make it very clear we are not available any other time. I am hoping this way I won't have to get involved in her chaos. I will also stop phoning her and let her contact us (last time I did this it was 3 months between calls).

She is a selfish abusive woman isn't she? I am not unreasonable to think this is all not normal behavior. My brother makes lots of excuses for her and says I'm judgmental, I'm not though, I am just trying to eek out a bit of peace for my kids.

OP posts:

angelohsodelight · 09/08/2014 06:35

You've done the right thing. Stop calling her like you said and certainly don't speak to her before you go away in case she tries something or just makes you feel bad. She's poisonous and your kids don't need her in their life,

Hissy · 09/08/2014 06:42

Yup, I agree, well done love! Hope you feel as empowered as you certainly sound!

And no, she's not normal, not by a LONG shot!

doziedoozie · 09/08/2014 06:53

I think it is bad for your DCs to see you being treated like this. They won't know all the background story. What will they think, especially if you have said things like 'Granny's coming to visit' in a positive tone?

They will be very confused, why is my mummy so horrid that Granny shouts at her?

You think that DCs need a granny - No, no, no, not one like this.

Please, tell her you don't want to see her and that she is not to call round. For your DCs sake if not yours.

Don't have anything to do with her, why discuss her with siblings so they can make you feel bad.

Get a backbone, stand firm. Put the DCs first.

Squeegle · 09/08/2014 07:01

You are not judgemental. She is very rude and disrespectful to you.

Squeegle · 09/08/2014 07:03

Agree, don't call her. Just wait for her to call to ask if it's convenient to visit. What do you get out of her visits?

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