How would an innocent person react

[Handmeawine]

Just that really if accused of cheating how would an innocent person behave vs a guilty one.

I know there is no cardboard cut out for each persons behaviour but any advice would be appreciated.

Just want to know if I am being a paranoid mess or my gut is right.

How has he reacted? Or haven't you confronted him yet OP?

I'm very much of the go with your gut feeling on this. Maybe not about the cheating but that something is not working in the way it should.

A year ago my ex told me he didn't love me. I thought there was someone else; he was always on his phone, sat in a different room, lack of intimacy, going out more on his own etc. no one ever did appear out of woodwork whether there was or not. But in my gut, all along I knew fundamentally the relationship had gone. Go with your gut

I think a guilty person protests too much. An innocent person would see it as so ridiculous that they wouldn't need to keep defending any non-existent behaviour

Gut feeling always....

Thank you for your replies. It's a strange situation as there was something that happened about 2 yrs ago which I dismissed at the time, but it has been bugging me ever since.

I confronted him this evening and he has proceeded to storm off to bed.

Guess I should go with my gut.

What did you confront him with? Did you just say you had a feeling or has something more specific happened?

Storming off is quite an extreme reaction. I think an innocent person would want to find out more about their partner's concerns so they could reassure them?

He did want to know where it was coming from but I think he thought it was dead and buried.

Basically I saw emails 2yrs ago between him and a work colleague which I did confront at the time, but was probably more forgiving because of a young baby and I guess I saw what I wanted to see.

We have discussed it since but I have always believed him ; although since joining MN I am thinking I was a bit of a trusting fool.

I don't want to talk about this to rl friends as they would think I was being ridiculous and always say how loving he is, but I can't shake this gut feeling.

I would probably go with guilty for storming off

If I was innocent then I would be disparing you brought it up again and exasperated, but not storming off

Storming off to me means it has raised its ugly head again and she still doesn't believe my pack of lies

Definitely go with your gut and the facts you have and from my own experience remember no matter how much you 'think' you know someone, you can never know them 100%. My gut told me my ex was hiding something massive from me, but I kept on dismissing it thinking he wouldn't do that to me, I know him. Truth is, I clearly didn't as he hid his affair for year.

I think I'd storm off if my OH brought up something from two years ago

My ex used to storm off, give me the silent treatment, make a big show of how pissed off he was that I 'going on at him' about him possibly cheating. Turns out he was.

Gut feeling = your best friend in these situations

I know people say that an innocent person would want to reassure, etc, but I wouldn't! If my dp accused me of cheating I would firstly be confused. Probably think they're joking. Then I honestly think I would get a little upset/angry/offended at the suggestion. That's assuming it was based on nothing. If I knew there was something innocent that understandably looked suspicious, I wouldn't be so annoyed- then I'd try and reassure and explain.

But I'm not your dp so not very helpful! I don't know how I'd react if I had actually done it. Probably be obvious as I'm awful at lying.

My totally innocent DS just ditched his gf for accusing him of cheating. I realise his was a much less involved relationship than yours, but every time she got drunk (he doesn't drink much, as we live rurally and he drives) she would accuse him of being overly-flirtatious. Which, tbf, he is, but it's part of his manner and means nothing. The final straw was when he drove her back to her flat and went to bed, because he was tired. She tried looking through his phone, and left a note saying he'd changed his lock-code (he hadn't) so was obviously up to something.

He found the note about 6.30am, while she was still sleeping. He packed up the "stuff" of his he had there, and came home. Does that count as "storming off"?

I'm afraid I would be really fucked off if I was accused like this too. But equally he could be storming off because he is guilty as hell.

It's very upsetting and infuriating to be accused of a relationship that isn't there!! BTDT. Absolute anger that never goes away. Makes my blood pressure go up just thinking of the untrue accusations.

If I was accused of something like that I would be hurt and annoyed, I wouldn't try to defend myself as I would feel like I shouldn't have to. I might well storm off to bed!

My Ex cheated on me. It didn't occur to me until years after. There was nothing wrong with asking. Whether or not there was something wrong with his response is something you know better than us OP.

At the end of the day, OP, you fundamentally don't trust your dp/dh. Whether this is because you're like my son's most recent ex, and simply don't trust anyone (I have no idea why she's like this) even though they're perfectly faithful, or because your dp/dh has actually played away/had an inappropriate relationship doesn't ultimately matter.

You don't trust him.

He may be innocent, and thoroughly fucked-off that you're still bitching about nothing two years down the line. (I would be.)

He may be guilty, have done nothing inappropriate since, and fucked-off that you're still bitching about it two years down the line. (Again, I would be; I made a mistake, lied about it, and feel uncomfortable that you keep raising the subject. I changed, ok, learned my lesson that you and our dc matter more, it won't happen again, now stfu.)

He may be shagging anyone who'll say "yes".

None of us, including you, can know the answer. Maybe Relate could help you, given dc are involved, or maybe your lack of trust means this relationship is over.

Only you can decide that.

Does he normally retreat rather than admit his wrongdoing?

You have talked about it previously, you were placated then reading MN made you suspicious again? You brought it up and he stormed off. To be honest an innocent man could have that reaction, but it could also point towards guilt. You have not said enough here for anyone to really judge which it is so I would say trust you gut instinct, I believe it is rarely wrong.

On the other hand, if my husband accused me of having an affair I would question our relationship. I would figure he doesn't trust me. If he doesn't trust me there is no marriage. I wouldn't defend myself and I certainly would walk away.

I've told this story before but I once sort of accused my DH who I trust implicitly of cheating (I found condom wrappers in his flat when we were living apart for work). I asked him how they got there. His response was to look stunned and to say he understood entirely why I would be upset by this. He said he had no explanation for it but that we would figure it out together and he was sorry this had happened to ruin our (rare) weekend together. I knew, knew, knew from his reaction and from his concern for me rather than himself that he was telling the truth.

And we subsequently did find out how it got there from the woman who bragged to people about shagging someone who had recently stayed with him in his bathroom (lovely).

Having been serially cheated on by someone and believed the excuses, or wanted to believe them, I would say look at the evidence from multiple sources - did his behaviour change at the time, were there unexplained absences or unusual explanations, what did the emails say, were there any other odd circumstances?

That said, having had the same person accuse me of cheating, I know my reaction sounded guilty as hell. But I wasn't and there was no other evidence to suggest anything had happened. I just didn't know what to say or do.

It's the sum of things that counts.

If I was in his position and there were no kids involved, I'd prove my innocence, then leave.

Thanks all, it's good to get others perspectives. I didn't start off with the email thing because it looks very bad. Basically emails about him not going to a work thing and not being able to stay in a room with her.

It all got very flirty. I read it and left him immediately.

He says he did it with a mate, said mate backs him up (but he would do).

I do trust him with everything, when I look in his eyes I believe he is telling the truth but I think I was so hurt at the time that it really shook me up and I haven't gotten over it.

I would agree with the gut instinct and change in behaviour suggestions.

I didn't and wish I had. On the other hand my DP confronted his ex when they cheated, tried to work on their relationship but she did it again.