How would an innocent person react

[Handmeawine]

Just that really if accused of cheating how would an innocent person behave vs a guilty one.

I know there is no cardboard cut out for each persons behaviour but any advice would be appreciated.

Just want to know if I am being a paranoid mess or my gut is right.

[yetmorecrap]

Both times I have had to confront H about suspicious shit, he went pale, stared like a rabbit in the headlights and gulped . I think guilt often ‘freezes’ them for a very short spell before self preservation kicks in

[PrizeOik]

Ugh didn't see this was a zombie. Sorry all

[PrizeOik]

My ex accused me of cheating. A few times, but mostly early on, and then a last, really significant time, basically as the relationship had run it's course.

The last time, I was shocked, and hurt. But I knew he thought I was awful so my reaction was to beg and plead with him not to believe that about me.

If my current dp accused me, I'd go very quiet and then probably have to leave his presence, because I'd have a panic attack / PTSD response most likely, due to my memories of my ex.

[KirkRussell]

I have had a good amount of experience with my mates cheating. There are many variables that need to be taken into consideration when making your final conclusion of what you believe happened.

1. Do trust your gut instincts:
   

What we consider to be a "gut instinct or feeling" actually originates from your brains ability to pick up on cues that are not natural in response for the situation. For example, the accused/cheater was seen flirting earlier in the evening (not normal). If the person is normally a flirt, then your red flag for "flirting" wont be as heavily weighed as a variable to support your argument. However, if the two persons that are being accused are in a hotel room with the door locked and you bang on the door and.then eventually obtain a card key that unlocks the door and they are in the bed together, then it is ALMOST conclusive that cheating had taken place. This is where your instincts will kick in.
What were their reactions as you entered the room? Pay attention to their facial expressions. Their faces will say it all.
Did they verbally say anything? Positive verbal indicators are as simple as an apology to you OR a noticeable amount of effort put forth in trying to understand how the situation would probably look!
When a person is approached (not blamed) and asked to explain a situation where they are undoubtedly caught with both hands in the cookie jar, anger is not a natural or logical response. Consoling the individual who's become distraught typically will be priority #1.
You're caught in a hotel room bed and not only that but YOU must have heard the banging on the door prior to being walked in on. Listen to your instincts. When things don't rationally or logically don't make sense, there are only two things to consider.

1. Your partner cheats.
   
2. You are now single.
   

The above story is true. Respect and validate yourself. You are smart enough to know that your feeling terrible, move forward and move on. Get therapy if needed...

[InAnotherLife]

I had an old jacket hanging in the closet that only on/off got worn (growing in and out of it depending on weight), and my DH (of 2 years then) found some condoms in the pocket while looking for my keys.

He showed them to me and my reaction was first one of shock (how on earth have those got there?), and then rather bizarrely to laugh (when I remembered how).

Almost a decade ago I had gone to a university to look at some courses and had passed a 'sex education stall' that had shoved some condoms into my hand, which went into the pocket without thought, and obviously languished there ever since.

After the amusement on my part, it dawned on me that actually from his perspective, this wasn't funny, and I became a lot more serious and reassuring. Luckily it occurred to me to tell him to check the expiry date (which proved their antiquity!)

[RedRoom]

My husband isn't insecure or jealous at all, so if he asked me about something he thought was dodgy I would do absolutely everything I could to reassure him. I wouldn't be cross or angry, more worried and upset for him and anxious to reassure him.

My ex cheated, and it was immediately obvious to me that he was lying. I just knew him too well. He became very. flushed, his excuses didn't seem plausible and kept changing slightly, and then he spent a lot of time deep in thought (no doubt trying to get his story together). Oh, and then he tried to accuse me of flirting with someone else!!

[Roseflowers]

An ex boyfriend of mine once found a hotel key card in my purse that I'd picked up in my travels a couple of years prior - I'd never gotten round to emptying out my purse and chucking it! He was convinced I'd been up to something. My response was honestly to find it a bit amusing at first, simply because it was so outside the realms of possibility that I'd cheat! Then when he was still upset I did my best to reassure him. After a bit I did get a bit cheesed off (but out of mere frustration a not being believed). To me getting angry and storming off is a way of immediately deflecting blame from them for their bad behavior and making it 'all your fault' as it were....

[EarthWindFire]

I would agree with the gut instinct and change in behaviour suggestions.

I didn't and wish I had. On the other hand my DP confronted his ex when they cheated, tried to work on their relationship but she did it again.

[Handmeawine]

Thanks all, it's good to get others perspectives. I didn't start off with the email thing because it looks very bad. Basically emails about him not going to a work thing and not being able to stay in a room with her.

It all got very flirty. I read it and left him immediately.

He says he did it with a mate, said mate backs him up (but he would do).

I do trust him with everything, when I look in his eyes I believe he is telling the truth but I think I was so hurt at the time that it really shook me up and I haven't gotten over it.

[neiljames77]

If I was in his position and there were no kids involved, I'd prove my innocence, then leave.

[myfriendflickadee]

Having been serially cheated on by someone and believed the excuses, or wanted to believe them, I would say look at the evidence from multiple sources - did his behaviour change at the time, were there unexplained absences or unusual explanations, what did the emails say, were there any other odd circumstances?

That said, having had the same person accuse me of cheating, I know my reaction sounded guilty as hell. But I wasn't and there was no other evidence to suggest anything had happened. I just didn't know what to say or do.

It's the sum of things that counts.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

I've told this story before but I once sort of accused my DH who I trust implicitly of cheating (I found condom wrappers in his flat when we were living apart for work). I asked him how they got there. His response was to look stunned and to say he understood entirely why I would be upset by this. He said he had no explanation for it but that we would figure it out together and he was sorry this had happened to ruin our (rare) weekend together. I knew, knew, knew from his reaction and from his concern for me rather than himself that he was telling the truth.

And we subsequently did find out how it got there from the woman who bragged to people about shagging someone who had recently stayed with him in his bathroom (lovely).

[MyPrettyToes]

You have talked about it previously, you were placated then reading MN made you suspicious again? You brought it up and he stormed off. To be honest an innocent man could have that reaction, but it could also point towards guilt. You have not said enough here for anyone to really judge which it is so I would say trust you gut instinct, I believe it is rarely wrong.

On the other hand, if my husband accused me of having an affair I would question our relationship. I would figure he doesn't trust me. If he doesn't trust me there is no marriage. I wouldn't defend myself and I certainly would walk away.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Does he normally retreat rather than admit his wrongdoing?

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

At the end of the day, OP, you fundamentally don't trust your dp/dh. Whether this is because you're like my son's most recent ex, and simply don't trust anyone (I have no idea why she's like this) even though they're perfectly faithful, or because your dp/dh has actually played away/had an inappropriate relationship doesn't ultimately matter.

You don't trust him.

He may be innocent, and thoroughly fucked-off that you're still bitching about nothing two years down the line. (I would be.)

He may be guilty, have done nothing inappropriate since, and fucked-off that you're still bitching about it two years down the line. (Again, I would be; I made a mistake, lied about it, and feel uncomfortable that you keep raising the subject. I changed, ok, learned my lesson that you and our dc matter more, it won't happen again, now stfu.)

He may be shagging anyone who'll say "yes".

None of us, including you, can know the answer. Maybe Relate could help you, given dc are involved, or maybe your lack of trust means this relationship is over.

Only you can decide that.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

My Ex cheated on me. It didn't occur to me until years after. There was nothing wrong with asking. Whether or not there was something wrong with his response is something you know better than us OP.

[MrsAtticus]

If I was accused of something like that I would be hurt and annoyed, I wouldn't try to defend myself as I would feel like I shouldn't have to. I might well storm off to bed!

[Wrapdress]

It's very upsetting and infuriating to be accused of a relationship that isn't there!! BTDT. Absolute anger that never goes away. Makes my blood pressure go up just thinking of the untrue accusations.

[Glastokitty]

I'm afraid I would be really fucked off if I was accused like this too. But equally he could be storming off because he is guilty as hell.

[OldLadyKnowsSomething]

My totally innocent DS just ditched his gf for accusing him of cheating. I realise his was a much less involved relationship than yours, but every time she got drunk (he doesn't drink much, as we live rurally and he drives) she would accuse him of being overly-flirtatious. Which, tbf, he is, but it's part of his manner and means nothing. The final straw was when he drove her back to her flat and went to bed, because he was tired. She tried looking through his phone, and left a note saying he'd changed his lock-code (he hadn't) so was obviously up to something.

He found the note about 6.30am, while she was still sleeping. He packed up the "stuff" of his he had there, and came home. Does that count as "storming off"?

[Dirtybadger]

I know people say that an innocent person would want to reassure, etc, but I wouldn't! If my dp accused me of cheating I would firstly be confused. Probably think they're joking. Then I honestly think I would get a little upset/angry/offended at the suggestion. That's assuming it was based on nothing. If I knew there was something innocent that understandably looked suspicious, I wouldn't be so annoyed- then I'd try and reassure and explain.

But I'm not your dp so not very helpful! I don't know how I'd react if I had actually done it. Probably be obvious as I'm awful at lying.

[mammadiggingdeep]

My ex used to storm off, give me the silent treatment, make a big show of how pissed off he was that I 'going on at him' about him possibly cheating. Turns out he was.

Gut feeling = your best friend in these situations