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Original poster

WWYD... Considering outing an affair?

67 replies

CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 00:47

I've NC for this.

I know this horrid horrid woman who is having an affair with a man whom is married has a kid. Still wears his wedding ring when he's going out with her etc.

He uses her card to buy her things, she's changed her bank details and told him everything, she has now had to remortgage her house due to spending so much on him. She's now drinking cause he does, buying £200 bottles of champagne when she went 44 years without touching a drop.

He's been telling her he's going to leave his wife and child for 6 months now. Telling her to change her name cause he doesn't like her having 'another man's name' he's gonna marry her and run away together hmm

she's isolating her family and friends. Spending thousands on him and gets nothing back. She's spending so much she owes people thousands.

The thing is I've said I will NEVER lie for her. It's horrible, disgusting hideous behaviour and we're all sure he's done this before to not leave his wife.

I have evidence of their affair and know where is wife lives... Do I tell her/show her the proof instead of lying to her? The person sleeping with the married man is my mother! She's neglecting her children, home, friends for this man that everyone has warned her against... She's getting into serious debt now and now won't talk to us...

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 19/07/2014 00:53

That's a hard one due to being your mother Sad I would usually say mind your own business about these things but it must be awful for you to watch this going on. Im still more in the say nothing camp though due to her being an adult and you may risk losing her completely if you spill the beans. I'd work more on trying to make her see sense and sit tight, it will all come out sooner or later.

Tinks42 · 19/07/2014 00:55

Oh and no, don't lie for her.

BackOfMyPhoneIsShiny · 19/07/2014 00:57

This post was suppose to have NC's! FML! Mother and daughter are NC due to many reasons

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 19/07/2014 01:04

Huh?

Tinks42 · 19/07/2014 01:07
Smile
weasle · 19/07/2014 01:12

I feel for you. In a similar situation. Hate it. But family do some bewildering things sometimes.I've chosen to keep quiet but it has massively affected my relationship with them.
I wouldn't tell the wife. No good will come for you. I'd advise you distance yourself emotionally from your mother and later decide if you want to help with the inevitable fall out.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/07/2014 06:51

You started by saying you 'know this horrid horrid woman' - who then turns out to be your mother - do you describe her as horrid because of the affair, or is there more? Any idea why she's so foolish as to be getting herself up to her neck in debt, letting her married lover spend money she doesn't have on presents for her, etc? All sounds a bit unhinged for a grown woman - what's going on?

lasslancashire · 19/07/2014 08:54

I am in a similar situation. My mother is too having an affair with a married man who's wife is none the wiser. It makes me feel sick and disappointed that she would do such a thing. I had a hard time accepting it when she first told me, especially as she split up with my beloved step dad in order to dedicate herself to this dreadful affair. We didn't speak for a little while but at the end of the day she is my mum and I love her, I just requested she didn't mention any of it/him around me.

The money thing is a separate issue IMO. If you do spill the beans and he goes no contact (I imagine this is the hoped outcome?) then she may end up spending thousands on making her self feel better. I think she needs separate help/advice with the money. I wouldn't out them personally, I think it would cause more harm than good.

NormalTea · 19/07/2014 08:59

wow. I would tell him to leave your mother well alone or you'll tell his wife. He sounds like he'll find another sap to fund his extra curricular activities.

Pinkfrocks · 19/07/2014 09:00

Take out all the emotion there is fraud going on here- he's using a credit card ( or debit card?) that isn't his- even if she has sanctioned it. How is this happening? Is he buying stuff online or in stores? Doesn't quite stack up to me.

Why did you write your post in this way- about a 'horrid horrid woman'- then spill the beans at the end that it was your mum? You seem to want to dramatise it . Why didn't you simply state at the start who she was?

Are you suffering the fall out of her money problems?
Do you live at home?

Maybe instead of telling the wife you should talk to the husband and say unless he stops you will tell his wife- and have the same conversation with your mum. She knows you know- otherwise you wouldn't know all the details, would you?

Vivacia · 19/07/2014 09:06

This, and your post in AIBU, makes me concerned about your motives for posting on MN.

wannabestressfree · 19/07/2014 09:49

I second that vivacia. Goady bollocks.....

HumblePieMonster · 19/07/2014 10:23

The person sleeping with the married man is my mother

Knew it. And if my daughter is reading this, she'll be saying 'That's why we're so much against that bad man! This could happen to you, Mum!'

Its very lonely entering middle age/later life on your own. You start to think 'If I don't do this now, I'll have missed out on love forever.'

Don't talk to your mother's boyfriend - how 'controlling' and interfering would that be? Imagine if your mum had a quiet word with a partner of yours and told him to get lost! You'd be raging mad about it.

She's spending your inheritance. That isn't considerate but it isn't illegal either.

Talk to her, not him. Gently. For her own good. She might be feeling in a complete mess and that everyone is against her.

If you are genuine, of course...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 10:38

The MM sounds like a crook. No matter how 'horrid' Mum is, she doesn't deserve to be swindled. Not sure if it is fraud when the person is giving their money away voluntarily but I'd be putting in a call to the local police and asking their advice. My bet would be that he's done this before. No point standing on ceremony when someone is being abused this way.

Pinkfrocks · 19/07/2014 10:39

Oh bollocks Humble Being middle aged and older is no reason to shag a married man on the basis that it's your last chance- and get yourself in debt.

If you read the parallel thread by the OP on AIBU it's clear her mum and her haven't spoken for months.

Pinkfrocks · 19/07/2014 10:42

Cog- I think that cards come with the proviso that you are the only person who should be aware of the PIN and you don't allow anyone else to use it. It's a damn fool thing to do though because when the relationship goes tits up which it will, he will have access to her account or credit cards unless she changes things pronto.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/07/2014 10:46

Exactly... if you give your PIN to someone you're effectively giving them permission to drain your account. If they have your permission it's not technically theft unless you can show you were acting under duress or being coerced. Like these fond old people that send money off to internet fraudsters believing they are investing in something worthwhile, the police have very little power to stop them doing so beyond persuasion. However, I maintain that the DM will not be the first lonely middle-aged woman he's done this to.

How did they meet OP?

Pinkfrocks · 19/07/2014 10:51

I'm still not sure about the permission thing Cog.

My DH has at times returned things to JL and taken my card- it's a JL Partnership card (Mastercard.) I've done the same for him taking his card. (Same card but different numbers and name of course.)

JL won't process a return if you present someone else's card.
So if for example DH and I are shopping together in JL, we discuss who will be able to return the item - because we've been caught out where I've tried to return something he has bought on his card and they have refused, even though I have his card and PIN. ( and his permission.)

If the card clearly belongs to a woman- with Mrs or Ms or Miss on it- they won't accept it if being used by a man, even if they have the owner's permission.

HecatePropylaea · 19/07/2014 11:03

BackOfMyPhoneIsShiny - are you the OP?

anyway. The money,etc - if your mum, OP, is getting into debt because she is choosing to give him money and spend money on him then imo that is her own look out and she has nobody to blame but herself.

If she has walked away from family - that is also her choice.

adults have the right to make even stupid choices. They have the right to waste their money and they have the right to behave selfishly. They also have to accept the consequences of their choices and not go bleating about them if it all blows up in their face.

If you don't want to lie - don't lie.

If you don't want to lend her money - don't lend her money. (If I am interpreting correctly about the 'owing people thousands' bit that that means she is coming with the begging bowl)

If there are dependant children who are being neglected, then that is something worth reporting. If, otoh, all children are adults, then neglecting them does not have the same connotations.

re telling the wife - maybe she already knows. If the man has form for it. Maybe she too has made a choice. What do you think will happen if you tell his wife? Maybe she'll kick him out and he'll pitch up at your mother's and totally bleed her dry. Maybe his wife won't believe you or already knows and nothing will change. Maybe he will stop seeing your mother and she'll hate you.

You can't save people from themselves.

BackOfMyPhoneIsShiny · 19/07/2014 11:13

They met at work, his contracted ended and he had to go work in London. She quit her job the following day and got a job in London to 'be with him' She's since this year had 3 jobs because he's told her to quit/she can make more money doing this and that/he doesn't like her working there.

She doesn't know a lot about computers, she couldn't set up an email account let alone change her bank details. She's now changed all passwords for internet banking all pins and made sure he knows as she will forget.. I set all of those things up when she got them because she couldn't do it.

We have already spoke about it, everyone in the family has tried, friends have tried she doesn't care. She said he's made it clear how much of a mug she was before he met her and she's never going back to that person, so we can't talk about it, we're NC for many reasons. Recently found out she's been telling people I'm in hospital having brain surgery could go blind and paralysed when that's not happening what so ever. Also told people I've stolen and sold a £600 bracelet which never happened, in fact I brought it for her when we spoken and she gave it back to me. She brought this man to my sisters wedding despite being told not to, she even let him walk down the isle with her Hmm

No I live with my DC and my DP, my brother lives at home with her

kaykayblue · 19/07/2014 11:36

I would tell the wife. If my husband was having an affair I would want to know. Therefore if I knew someone was having an affair I would tell the other spouse.

It doesn't matter who the other person involved is. In fact I would probably feel even more obliged to say something if it was a member of my family who was the om /ow.

Quitelikely · 19/07/2014 13:40

I would say shop him on this occasion. It's your mother, she's being financially taken for a ride but IMO she deserves it for recking the lives of others. He sounds pathetic.

JaceyBee · 19/07/2014 13:48

If he is the one doing all that shit then why is she the horrid one? From how you've described things he's being an utter cunt, she's just being an idiot. Unless she was just horrid before all this started anyway!

Dirtybadger · 19/07/2014 13:58

How old is your brother, adult living at home or much younger? May be relevant.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 19/07/2014 14:20

I'd tell the wife. Sounds like both she and your mother could do with getting rid of this useless selfish prick.