WWYD... Considering outing an affair?

[CrocsAreJustPlainUgly]

I've NC for this.

I know this horrid horrid woman who is having an affair with a man whom is married has a kid. Still wears his wedding ring when he's going out with her etc.

He uses her card to buy her things, she's changed her bank details and told him everything, she has now had to remortgage her house due to spending so much on him. She's now drinking cause he does, buying £200 bottles of champagne when she went 44 years without touching a drop.

He's been telling her he's going to leave his wife and child for 6 months now. Telling her to change her name cause he doesn't like her having 'another man's name' he's gonna marry her and run away together hmm

she's isolating her family and friends. Spending thousands on him and gets nothing back. She's spending so much she owes people thousands.

The thing is I've said I will NEVER lie for her. It's horrible, disgusting hideous behaviour and we're all sure he's done this before to not leave his wife.

I have evidence of their affair and know where is wife lives... Do I tell her/show her the proof instead of lying to her? The person sleeping with the married man is my mother! She's neglecting her children, home, friends for this man that everyone has warned her against... She's getting into serious debt now and now won't talk to us...

No she's not dying from what I know of would explain a hell of a lot if she was though ]

@Walter@ Yes. NC as of May this year 2 months going strong as of now, however the things I've writted about on here about her telling people I was ill I found out when her work colleague sent me some flowers and a note expressing her sympathies and apologised for dragging my mother away from me. i promptly told her the truth, turnt out she'd lied about where she went to school and much much more!

I thought it was you.

Well done on being NC.

I understand your desire to tell the man's wife, I really do.

I just hope it won't lead to more contact with her!

The man sounds horrible.
Your mum sounds like she is in a relationship where she is being financially abused. Women's Aid say this about financial abuse.

I think I would be very tempted to let the wife know. Although it may just lead to the man moving in with your mum if his marriage falls apart. So it may leave her life even more enmeshed with his.

I've wrote a letter anonymously and included a email address she can email (newly made up) for proof as he may get to the letter before she does

OP's said her mother's 46. I don't believe she said she has a terminal prognosis

she doesn't need to be dying to take a 'get it while you can' approach, she only needs to be aware of her own mortality.

But we are all aware of our own mortality surely? But does that give anyone licence to behave like that?

I've a close friend in her mid 60s who was recently 'approached' by a MM - she's been on her own for over 15 years- and she rebuffed him on the grounds that she wouldn't get involved with anyone who wasn't available ( ie single.) Her conscience won't allow it.

MM who want a bit on the side don't usually care if the woman is single or not- it's up to the woman to put the brakes on it.

pinkfrocks, if I had a life to spare I'd argue with you. when you know, you'll know. whether you'll ever understand is another matter.

Humble, it sounds as though you've been very affected by your mother's death and the decisions she took before it. It's true that one's priorities change according to one's age and life situation. Some things may be worth doing late in life, which wouldn't be worth it if you were looking at long-term implications. For some, the loss of a future grants greater freedom in the present. I've supported my own mother in some choices that I'd be dissuading a younger woman from making.

We're all going to die one day. By and large, we base our choices on how much future we're likely to have. You seem to have the feeling, just now, that your own future is very short. It's kind of normal to be rocked by the shadow of death when it happens. But, assuming and hoping you aren't suffering the late stages of any disease, this will settle and you'll pick up the reins of forward planning for life, not death. The time to shorten your outlook will come later.

you are entitled to your view but I just wonder if in your opinion old age is an excuse for ditching the moral compass? what will you be suggesting next- shoplifting, robbing banks, - or just running off with other women's husbands?

And as for knowing - I'm almost 60 so on that note I'd better start looking- one foot in the grave, eh?

Sorry for thread diversion!

Pink - both feet, if 46 is the final chapter

@garlic

I've got friends who had their first child at almost 46, so being a gran at that age and using it as an excuse to be a mistress doesn't cut the mustard.

thanks for the hints pink - i was sticking with the husbands but who knows, i might get bored and rob a bank.

garlic - thank you for your thoughtful comment.

i'm not in any kind of distress. i've just genuinely reached the point of view that if a man is going to be unfaithful to his wife, its his issue, not mine. i don't have to feel responsibility to her, the responsibility is all his. shifting the blame to the other woman (i'm not the other woman, by the way) and trying to make her responsible for the husband and wife's relationship is just eve-blaming. its rubbish.
if he's not faithful, it isn't the ow's fault. its his.

I think this is one where we are going to have to agree to disagree. :)
IMO married men have affairs with women who allow it. They 2 meet halfway. If a single woman chooses to see a married man then IMO she is equally guilty. I don't think it's right to pass all the blame onto the man.

i've just genuinely reached the point of view that if a man is going to be unfaithful to his wife, its his issue, not mine. i don't have to feel responsibility to her, the responsibility is all his. shifting the blame to the other woman (i'm not the other woman, by the way) and trying to make her responsible for the husband and wife's relationship is just eve-blaming. its rubbish. if he's not faithful, it isn't the ow's fault. its his.

So, knowingly buying stolen goods from the local hoodlums who admitted to you the goods came from the sports & electrical stores they burgled last night, must be ok in your books too? It was after all them who did the robbing, you're just handing over money for goods. Nothing morally wrong in that. Right?

I think there are degrees in moral wrongs. Being a married person having an affair is a higher degree of moral wrong than being a single person (knowingly) having an affair with a married person. It's still morally wrong though as a single person to knowingly "date" a married person. Just as receiving stolen goods is as bad as (or only slightly less worse than) actually stealing them.

Blubirdy, your argument is based on a false understanding of the nature of human relationships.
A husband is not a possession.

huh? what on earth are you talking about? I don't think a husband or a wife is a possession. Where on earth did you get that idea?

I think thieving is a moral wrong. I think (knowingly) buying stolen goods is wrong.

I think cheating is a moral wrong. A married cheater commits a higher degree of moral wrong than a single person who (knowingly) "dates" a married person. That still doesn't mean that either of them are remotely ethical or moral people though. One is just slightly less of an amoral arsehole than the other one.

I was asking if you would have any issues buying stolen goods, as you're not doing the actual stealing, I wondered if you could rationalise that in your own mind as just handing over money as payment for goods, just like you would in Sainsbury's. (in much the same way you rationalise cheating as an OW to married man as morally OK as he is the one with the vows, not you).

I wouldn't "date" a married man, (even if I was single, which I am not). I wouldn't buy stolen goods. Both of these things are immoral to me.