WWYD... Considering outing an affair?

[CrocsAreJustPlainUgly]

I've NC for this.

I know this horrid horrid woman who is having an affair with a man whom is married has a kid. Still wears his wedding ring when he's going out with her etc.

He uses her card to buy her things, she's changed her bank details and told him everything, she has now had to remortgage her house due to spending so much on him. She's now drinking cause he does, buying £200 bottles of champagne when she went 44 years without touching a drop.

He's been telling her he's going to leave his wife and child for 6 months now. Telling her to change her name cause he doesn't like her having 'another man's name' he's gonna marry her and run away together hmm

she's isolating her family and friends. Spending thousands on him and gets nothing back. She's spending so much she owes people thousands.

The thing is I've said I will NEVER lie for her. It's horrible, disgusting hideous behaviour and we're all sure he's done this before to not leave his wife.

I have evidence of their affair and know where is wife lives... Do I tell her/show her the proof instead of lying to her? The person sleeping with the married man is my mother! She's neglecting her children, home, friends for this man that everyone has warned her against... She's getting into serious debt now and now won't talk to us...

There's absolutely nothing you can do, she's an adult. I can understand how distressing it is watching this train wreck but the only thing you can do is limit your exposure to it. Interfering can not save your mother from herself and given what you've written about her lying, the backlash could be considerable and at your expense.

Stay out of it and hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.

Oh bollocks Humble Being middle aged and older is no reason to shag a married man on the basis that it's your last chance- and get yourself in debt
Oh yes it is. What is it to the woman that the man is married? She isn't married. And when death is staring you in the face, things look different, values change.
As for the debt, she's just trying to make her world go the way she wants it to. She's making a mess for herself but its her life.

staring death in the face

lol!

How old do you think she is- 90? 102?
I don't know but suspect she is in her 50s- like me.

So it's really ok in your book to have an affair if you are single but the other person isn't.

Nice.

'OK' is in the eye of the beholder :) A single person is essentially free to do as they wish. Now they may choose to be foolish or immoral or even malicious in their choice of sex partner, but they haven't made any kind of promises to anyone. The 'M' element is always the one breaking all the promises, potentially breaking up a family, causing misery if discovered etc. He's clearly a manipulative, thieving shit at the same time which - I would have thought - rather trumps infidelity

A single person is essentially free to do as they wish

Depends if they have any moral scruples though doesn't it?

Not having signed a bit of paper doesn't give someone licence to prey on married men or women.

Licence to prey??? LOL! If married men or women feel they are being 'preyed on' all they have to do is say no thanks ... or 'fuck off I'm married' if it's persistent. Having lost a DH to an OW in the past I know how tempting it is to blame them as a snake in the grass, but all it really does is take the responsibility off the DH (DP/DW/etc). Blaming the foolish mother in the OP's story as someone who preys on married men seems to be quite the wrong take. If anyone's been metaphorically stalked, slaughtered and is currently having being bled dry and picked over by the vultures, it's the woman.

Nah- takes 2 to tango.

I've known single friends approached by MM and they tell them to fuck off. And married men approached by single women- same reply- if they have morals.

But there are single women who like the thrill of chasing a MM and hoping he'll leave his DW.

She's 46....just

She cheated on my DF as well then tried to turn all her children on him... Apparently breaking up families has always been her thing

She's not breaking up his family. He's staying very determinedly married whilst bleeding her dry. I don't know what you're trying to achieve here OP. Schadenfreude because you despise her?

Dear god, he sounds like an arse! I agree that 'interfering' will have much the same effect as telling a teenager not to see her crack-dealing boyfriend. And I also agree that, if he's doing anything illegal (and it could be fraud or obtaining money under false pretences) you should shop him.

FWIW, when my mum got involved with a freeloading tosser I gave her the "I respect your choices because it's your right to make them, but I think XYZ" speech. I said I'd support her if she ever needed rescuing from him. Privately, I tried to find out more info as I was sure he was an actual criminal, and would have shopped him like lightning. As it turned out, she realised what he was doing at the point of nearly writing him a large cheque ... It seems mine had more sense than yours in the end (hard as that is to believe of my mum!) But I hope you can keep a beady eye on things for her.

Sorry, I forgot to answer your main point. I rejected the idea of telling that man's wife, because: Either she'd stay with him, now knowing what he is, and nothing would change except another woman's life would be more unhappy; or she'd dump him, which would force him & my mother together.

I'd never be there for her ever again. So doesn't bother me.

I just believe every deserves to know. I mean I'd want to know!

I would tell the wife. If my husband was having an affair I would want to know. Therefore if I knew someone was having an affair I would tell the other spouse.

It doesn't matter who the other person involved is. In fact I would probably feel even more obliged to say something if it was a member of my family who was the om /ow.

I agree with this^ post by kaykayblue. I too would tell the wife, not to spite my mother, or to protect her finances or emotional well being, or to fuck up the married man, or anything like that, just basically to make sure that some poor (totally unaware of what's going on) woman isn't getting done over by a pair of selfish bastards.

I probably would do it anonymously though unless the woman was someone I knew.

If someone in my life doesn't want me to "out" their affair, then the onus lies with them to make sure I don't find out about it. That's just a boundary I have in life.

She quit her job to go to London to be with him.

Your brother lives with her.
So did she take your brother with her, or is he an adult still in her home?

I don, t understand an uninvited guest being able to walk your sister down the aisle.

Anyway, hope you won, t be held responsible for her debts...

Morally, I agree, and have 'told' before now. In the predicament with my mother, I didn't want to risk forcing her into a commitment with the con-man. My decision was selfish.

"I'd never be there for her ever again. So doesn't bother me"

Sorry but I think you're acting out of spite, want to get your DM even further into trouble and it has nothing to do with noble ideas about DWs 'deserving to know'. Is the DW a particular friend of yours?

Sorry but I think you're acting out of spite, want to get your DM even further into trouble and it has nothing to do with noble ideas about DWs 'deserving to know'. Is the DW a particular friend of yours?

Cognito, I know your post wasn't directed to me, but even if the cheated upon wife (or husband for that matter) was a total stranger to me, I would still tell. It's just a decision I made many many years ago when I did know of an affair, ignored it as I felt it wasn't any of my business, and was approached a while later by the cheated upon wife. The poor soul had been totally clueless of her husbands longterm affair. She had been through hell being gaslighted by her bastard husband for god knows how long....and basically said to me "geez blubirdy, I know you were in a sucky situation, but even an anonymous postcard from you could have saved me so much mental anguish and emotional abuse", that I just decided there and then, yep, if I was the cheated upon party I would want to know too, so have since then taken the "always tell" stance. I don't care how close I am to the cheaters, or how much far removed/strangers the cheated upon are to me, I just see it as a personal boundary. If cheaters don't want me to tell, the onus is on them to make sure I don't find out.

OP, are you the poster who had a label in your name?

If so, it really is time to cut this dangerous and toxic woman out of your life for good.

a label?

I totally agree with Blubirdy here. If I find out about an affair, people will be told. That stance comes from the dreadful impact my Cousin's affair had on his wife.

dogstrummer, mostly in life we have little (if any opportunity) to stop emotional abuse that happens behind closed doors, that we are not even aware of. When that cheated upon woman, who was no more than a mere acquaintance whose face I barely recognised, concerned me (nicely though, not aggressively or in accusing manner) in a pub toilet to ask me if I had indeed known of the affair, which I couldn't deny I had. Well anyway, we moved from the ladies loo to a table in the bar. We spoke for no more than an hour. But it dawned on me there and then, that for once in my life I could have stopped quite horrific emotional abuse in it's tracks if I had just made an anonymous phone call, or sent an anonymous postcard. It would have cost me no more than 2 minutes of my time and 10p (at that time, lol) of my money. As soon as she found out about his affair she dumped him, but I only learned at that time about gaslighting that happens too often during affairs and how that woman was at the point of breaking as she thought with the help of her bastard husband telling her she had developed severe paranoia and had even considered suicide. So there is no malice on my part or pretense to be super-duper close friends with the betrayed party, no just like you witnessed with your cousin's wife, affairs can be (always are ????) totally devastating to unaware spouses. And I think it's just nice to treat people in the way I hope others would treat me.

A fashion label I mean.

staring death in the face How old do you think she is- 90? 102?
I don't know but suspect she is in her 50s- like me. So it's really ok in your book to have an affair if you are single but the other person isn't.Nice
I've taken the alternative view for many years, but as I watched my mother move towards her death in March, I began to understand that previously, I was mistaken.
It is not for the woman to take responsibility for the man's marriage. He has to do that.

apologies for the lack of bold above.

OP's said her mother's 46. I don't believe she said she has a terminal prognosis.

It is not for the woman to take responsibility for the man's marriage.

I agree. I've still told friends their partners were cheating. The two observations aren't linked.