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Relationships

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Original poster

Should you have Ex's on Facebook ?

77 replies

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:14

Before we met, both my husband and i had separate Facebook accounts and when we got together we decided to delete them as we thought Facebook invited trouble.
Two years on and my 14-year-old son has just signed upto FB, so me and husband have signed up again too. My husband has over 150 friends, half of them girls. He has told me that a few of them were one night stands and one girl he had a fling with for about a week. I have no ex's or flings in my friends.
It's obvious he's still chatting to these women and i'm jealous as hell but he won't delete them. I can't get into his account as i don't know the password. He works from home and very rarely goes out so he isn't having an affair or anything but it makes me uneasy and stressed that he wants to be friends with these women.
Surely it isn't right ?

OP posts:

Sosososcared · 08/07/2014 22:17

Why is it obvious he's chatting to them?

I have loads of exes on Facebook, I think most people do. I never talk to them though.

Hassled · 08/07/2014 22:20

Why are you jealous? Do you not feel secure in the relationship - is there other shit going on? Lots of people (including me) stay friends, either FB or otherwise, with exes - it doesn't mean there's anything going on.

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:21

I guess i'm an insecure person after being cheated on a couple of times but he spends hours on FB and often goes downstairs in the middle of the night, to chat i suspect.

OP posts:

mumtosome61 · 08/07/2014 22:23

I have a couple and would probably have more if I was utterly ruthless with my FB friends - most of them have done nothing wrong, I just don't see the point in having them on there. I have my long term ex who I was with before current DP but we grew to be more like best friends anyway.

DP has no ex girlfriends on his - his ex unceremoniously deleted him before they split because she didn't want the bloke she was wooing to know she still had a boyfriend. She was a peach.

GetYourFingersOutOfThere · 08/07/2014 22:26

Have you spoken to him? Does he know how it makes you feel?

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:27

I'm 39 and recently found out i'm having an early menopause, which i'm struggling with, especially as i wanted a baby. My husband is quite a bit younger than me, in his 20s. I just feel like shit, dried up and old and i wonder why he would want me when he has these girls available, some of them single.
I know i shouldn't be bothered as we have a fairly good sex life, despite the menopause and i look good for my age, pretty, size 12/14 with a 34dd bust.

OP posts:

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:29

Iv'e told him to delete them but he refuses. Last week we had a massive row over it.

OP posts:

BeetlebumShesAGun · 08/07/2014 22:31

I have a couple of exes, including, like mumtosome, my long term ex, but I don't speak to them. We are on good terms and i just never deleted them apart from one absolute bastard I dont want anywhere near me.

However the issue isn't really having exes on Facebook. If as you say he is sneaking around at night to chat to women on Facebook, then that needs addressing. You say he won't delete them, have you actually explained how you feel?

My DP is a bit that I am still friends with my long term ex on Facebook but I literally don't chat with him on there so I don't see the problem. I know I am not cheating so I don't see any reason to delete him. However if DP were to tell me sincerely in rational terms that it was really upsetting him, I would.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 08/07/2014 22:32

x-post, sorry OP.

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:38

Guess i can't really do anything. Iv'e raised the subject a few times recently but it always turns into a row, with him refusing to delete.
I know he's not cheating because as i said before, he rarely leaves the house, unless it's with me.
There's this one woman who really worries me. She used to work with him and she is also a friend of one of my close friends. Iv'e heard all about her from my husband and my friend. Apparently she slept with nearly all the blokes at my husband's old workplace and my friend told me she has had lots of affairs with married men. She is also younger than me and very pretty, nice body.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 22:39

No I wouldn't have ex's on facebook, why? what for? it just invites unnecessary trouble as you are finding out OP. But then I only believe in having friends and family on there, far more simple. Yes, I would be pissed off if my partner had ex's on there. I wouldn't want any of "our" ex's knowing our business. An ex is just that gone, over, done with.

EBearhug · 08/07/2014 22:39

I have, but apart from one, most were ex well before FB even existed.

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:41

I only have friends and family on my facebook too. Bit sad really as i only have about 50 to hubby's 150, but hey ho.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 22:41

It's like keeping a "little black book" only on the internet instead of in your sock drawer

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:44

That's so true Tinks. He bought a new phone recently so i do wonder if he has these girls numbers. Alarms bells are ringing!!!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 08/07/2014 22:44

I have a few. I just regard them as friends these days really. I don't think DH even knows- or cares- that they are exes. Of you set up FB for yourself you'll be able to see everything your DP does on FB except private chat, which is basically email that he could do privately with our without FB.

But sounds like you're feeling insecure for reasons nothing to do with FB :(

Original poster

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:50

I have lots of stuff going on in my head at the moment, infertility, menopause. Women on FB seems like the last straw.
Husband said it was ok for me to have ex's on FB, said he isn't bothered. I friend requested my ex, the bloke i was with before my husband a few days ago. So far he hasn't accepted, and i don't think he will. I know he is with someone else now, has been for a while. He won't have me, i suspect because he doesn't want to upset his girlfriend. If only my husband was like that!

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 22:53

Unfortunately, my alarm bells would be ringing too. I just think if my partner added loads of women to his facebook I'd be furious and tell him there and then to delete, if he didn't then I'd seriously think about deleting him If he used the "jealousy" thing to try to turn it around I'd stand firm and tell him to delete or get the hell away from me.

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 22:54

why did you do that then? two wrongs don't make a right OP.

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 22:57

OP I wouldn't tolerate it. My husband wouldn't do it and also I don't have any flings on FB. What's the point? I don't believe you can (or should) be "friends".

rosepetalsoup · 08/07/2014 22:58

Tell him no. He's your husband and has to listen. Or tell him to delete himself - you don't both need to check up on DS.

maddy68 · 08/07/2014 23:00

I have loads of exs on my Facebook,my dh has a couple too. I even chat to them sometimes too.
I know my dh chats. To his too. Trust is a big thing if you don't trust him ask yourself why

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 23:04

I don't understand what you're saying about infertility and menopause? were you trying for a baby? Are you both going through some sort of midlife thing?

zippey · 08/07/2014 23:11

I don't think its fair to demand your DH delete any of his friends from Facebook to ease the jealousy you feel. Your irrationality is your own issue and it seems to me that there are deeper issues, perhaps on both sides, which need to be addressed.

Deleting some friends from Facebook wont alleviate the jealousy you feel.

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 23:19

OP, I don't feel you are being supported at the moment, Sounds like he's going in the opposite direction. Then you're doing the "anything he can do I can do better thing" It's a vicious circle and all you're doing is hurting more.

If I were you I'd sit down with him and have a very honest heart to heart here.

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