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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should you have Ex's on Facebook ?

77 replies

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:14

Before we met, both my husband and i had separate Facebook accounts and when we got together we decided to delete them as we thought Facebook invited trouble.
Two years on and my 14-year-old son has just signed upto FB, so me and husband have signed up again too. My husband has over 150 friends, half of them girls. He has told me that a few of them were one night stands and one girl he had a fling with for about a week. I have no ex's or flings in my friends.
It's obvious he's still chatting to these women and i'm jealous as hell but he won't delete them. I can't get into his account as i don't know the password. He works from home and very rarely goes out so he isn't having an affair or anything but it makes me uneasy and stressed that he wants to be friends with these women.
Surely it isn't right ?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 23:24

Apologies, I didn't see your last message.

confusedandstrssed · 08/07/2014 23:28

I have one, my 'first love; from over 30 years ago, we don't really chat, but nice to see his photos of his happy life and kids and I expect he feels the same about me. I dont have a partner at the moment but that doesn't mean I want to shag him, I would be a bit miffed if his wife made him delete me. Either you trust him or you don't.

Tinks42 · 08/07/2014 23:28

I can't say anything more now OP knowing the age difference. He's very young. I say this because I was with a younger man a few years ago and ended it knowing I had to Sad I think he's sort of telling you that he's going to move on now.

BeforeAndAfter · 08/07/2014 23:35

I would hate that. In fact I did hate it in my last relationship and it became a point of contention between us. I left him for a number of reasons but the start of the rot was his FB fan club. I honestly believe he liked the adulation. My view was that if he wasn't on my wavelength with something that upset me quite deeply then that made us seriously incompatible.

Whether people think it's right or wrong if it upsets someone to have their partner's exes constantly liking posts on FB and to be texting exes I think that the partner should try and understand. I know that if my partner came to me and said ABC upsets me then I would want to work through it with them and reassure them and make them feel better unless I really didn't care what they thought.

I wouldn't focus too much on the 150 friends. Exactly how many of them would be there for him and support him day in day out if you left him and his world fell apart? Not many, I bet.

sykadelic · 09/07/2014 03:40

No I don't think you should. I also don't think he should be chatting with them and if it's a family computer, you'd be well within your rights to install keylogger software to find out for sure.

Personally it's not about the exes anyway, it's the utter lack of respect for you. You've told him you're having issues with it and he does nothing about it. He goes downstairs IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?! What. the. frick.

I'm sorry but I'm just seeing red flags.

iMacHunt · 09/07/2014 04:42

I only have the one Ex and he most certainly is not a fb friend. The couple of ONS I had post separation are definitely not on my fb either. I also deleted the other bloke I was chatting with from OLD the same time I was aware the relationship was going somewhere with my bf. Seemed like the right thing to do.

I know my BF has at least one ex on his but she came out as a lesbian and moved to the other side of the country so no qualms there Wink

I would probably feel uneasy if he had tons of ex's on his fb. But I trust him as much my irrational paranoia allows, which is quite a bit as I hide and subdue it as I know it is irrational.

I would most certainly not like the idea that he is having constant full on chats with them and he hid that from me deliberatly.

iMacHunt · 09/07/2014 04:44

*deliberately

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 04:57

I don't think the problem is exes on fb is it? I have one on fb and I very rarely chat to him. I think he messaged me when he broke up with his wife a few years back. Now he is with a 20 year old! (He is 40)! My DH doesn't mind at all. We don't always have a thing for exes. I see them simply as someone I used to know.

SignYourName · 09/07/2014 05:07

It doesn't really matter whether we have exes on our FB friends list, does it? What matters is your DH's behaviour making you unhappy and his lack of respect towards you. Going through early menopause is a big thing and it's understandable you feel emotional about it. He should be supporting you, not getting up through the night to chat to former flings and ONSs.

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 09/07/2014 07:16

He is not doing anything wrong, if they are people he used to fancy a long long time ago, and isn't planning on doing anything about it now. I have at least 3 old 'flames' on FB, not boyfriends or anyone I had a LTR with, but who yes I saw naked. I have only fond memories of a innocent time (long) past, and would not delete them because a jealous partner told me to. This is your own issue, not his.

WidowWadman · 09/07/2014 07:27

I don't think staying in touch with ex partners by whatever means is disrespectful. Demanding of hour partner to cease contact and delete his past is disrespectful and controlling.

MysteryMan1 · 09/07/2014 07:29

I think he is bang out of order. Showing you no respect and quite frankly behaving like an arse.

He obviously likes having the female attention. You don't need this and if I were you, would sit him down and have a very frank conversation as to how it is making you feel.

Don't worry about how "good looking" other women are-if he has any sense, he will realise what's important...hate to say it but he is a complete tool IMO.

kaykayblue · 09/07/2014 11:35

I don't see a problem with having exes on facebook. I actually think it's pretty healthy to finish relationships on good terms, or at least not hate them for the rest of your life (unless they did something dreadful of course).

I don't have a huge number of exes, but I'm friends with them on facebook, barring one who I genuinely never want to speak to again. I don't spend hours chatting to them or anything, but we do occasionally exchange a few messages to ask how the other is getting on, see how their job is going, etc.

If it really bothered my fiancé then I would delete them out of respect for his feelings, but I would be pretty pissed off that it was such a big deal to him and would certainly tell him how unreasonable he was being.

My fiancé is friends with his long term ex on facebook, but they don't communicate at all (he isn't very active on the site in general), and I'm sure there are a couple of girls he had flings with (I know of one, but sure there are one or two more). It doesn't bother me in the slightest as that was YEARS ago and we have a strong relationship. If he was constantly messaging them or whatever, then I would want to see the sort of thing that they were talking about, and would ask him to show me for peace of mind. If he asked me the same I would be happy to do it with no hard feelings, so I would expect the same in return.

Perhaps you could sit down with him and explain that perhaps asking him to delete these people was a bit melodramatic, and you understand he has a right to a social life (especially if he doesn't get out much). At the same time, you do have concerns with his behaviour - especially around the fact that his chatting seems to be limited to young, pretty girls, and the fact that you've noticed him going downstairs late at night - which is obviously pretty suspicious. Tell him that you would like to see a couple of the conversations that he has been having just to give yourself peace of mind that it's all above board. But make sure he shows you then and there - if he says "sure thing let's do that tomorrow" then he clearly has time to delete anything bad (if there is anything).

I think that this is a very reasonable compromise. He can still chat to his friends, and you have the reassurance that it's all very innocent.

If he refuses to show you then you need to get his reasons why. Because it's private? Well what has he been talking about with these people that he doesn't want you to see? What can he tell them that he can't tell his own girlfriend?

Lovingfreedom · 09/07/2014 11:56

I'm wondering why you previously thought 'Facebook invited trouble' ...was that you or your DH thought that?

rpitchfo · 09/07/2014 12:02

ermm it is possible to remain friends with your ex's you know.

iMacHunt · 09/07/2014 13:35

Of course you can remain freinds on fb with your exes.

But to a new partner, I think some talking about why you are still in contact with someone (or multiple people) that you were once intimate with and obviously had an attraction with. You kinda want to know what happened and why it is on a purely platonic level now.

esther39 · 09/07/2014 19:31

I'm 39 and my husband is just 27, so i think him being a lot younger makes me feel insecure. I feel too young for menopause and we were trying for a baby until i got this diagnosis a few months ago.
I added my ex not as a tit-for-tat thing. He lives 35 miles away so i wouldn't see him and we parted on good terms so i thought why not. We split 3 years ago and he has been with his new girlfriend for 2 years.

OP posts:
esther39 · 09/07/2014 19:34

Don't feel comfortable with the fact that he has slept with them though. He has had a few threesomes with them as well. Something i would never dream of, not that i'm a prude. And as i said, one of the women is a real homewrecker and not to be trusted.

OP posts:
esther39 · 09/07/2014 19:35

We both agreed at the time that Facebook invited trouble.

OP posts:
esther39 · 09/07/2014 19:44

He is very flirty and loves female attention, especially from pretty women. I think i was a novelty at first, being an older woman, someone he could brag to his mates about. Now the novelty has worn off and he wants to move on. He likes children and i can't give him one. Before we began seeing each other we were friends for several months and one day he told me that he had always had a thing for older ladies but when he eventually settled down, it would be with a woman his own age. Understandably i'm worried about this Facebook thing.

OP posts:
esther39 · 09/07/2014 19:46

Not really sure why he chose me and then went onto marry me then. Think it was infatuation and the sex was amazing for both of us. Now it has waned somewhat.

OP posts:
Thatslife72 · 09/07/2014 20:01

Esther you do sound very down on yourself and I think you need to find your mojo again tbh.....however I can't see a reason why exs should be on Facebook wots the point if you don't speak to them anyway??? I don't get that, yeh it's all great if it ended well but no they shouldn't be on Facebook nothing to do with trust. I do understand being nosey I admit I've looked up old flames see what they look like now or if they're married etc, but it's just curiosity ! But I don't think it's good to have exs on there, my dp had an ex on fb his first love who was now married with children etc, I wasn't bothered until she started commenting on photos and other stuff, she probably wasn't interested and I never said anything but it made me feel uncomfortable. And I know dp would feel the same, it just does cause insecurity and trouble sometimes I don't like it. I would not be happy with your husband doing that especially if I had made it known I wasn't happy about it. I don't like the sound of the whole thing !!!!!

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 20:12

I don't agree with thatslife but I do think esther is very down on herself. He married you and unless someone pointed a gun at his head, he chose you over all the others. Is there any other reason why you think he wants to leave you?

I have a lot of people on facebook that I don't speak to, if ever. I comment on their photos sometimes and do a 'like'. I really don't see what's wrong with it.

Thatslife72 · 09/07/2014 20:35

Yeh but' people 'not exs onelittletoddleterror, I have people I don't know very well but not exs !

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 20:51

I guess we just have to agree to disagree. I have an ex on my fb friends list. I'd be annoyed if my DH asks me to remove him. Not that I actually talk to him, but that it shows a complete lack of trust from my husband.

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