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Relationships

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Original poster

Should you have Ex's on Facebook ?

77 replies

esther39 · 08/07/2014 22:14

Before we met, both my husband and i had separate Facebook accounts and when we got together we decided to delete them as we thought Facebook invited trouble.
Two years on and my 14-year-old son has just signed upto FB, so me and husband have signed up again too. My husband has over 150 friends, half of them girls. He has told me that a few of them were one night stands and one girl he had a fling with for about a week. I have no ex's or flings in my friends.
It's obvious he's still chatting to these women and i'm jealous as hell but he won't delete them. I can't get into his account as i don't know the password. He works from home and very rarely goes out so he isn't having an affair or anything but it makes me uneasy and stressed that he wants to be friends with these women.
Surely it isn't right ?

OP posts:

Lacoba66 · 09/07/2014 21:00

I would just like to ask the question to all of you that say that you have ex's on your facebook- if it wasn't for facebook, how many of you would bother to go to the effort to maintain contact via any other form of media?

Yes, I know the question is about facebook, but if these people were that important, wouldn't you have made the effort despite facebook.

I am amicable with my exH, but would have no desire to look at his day to day life now.

alphabook · 09/07/2014 21:05

I have a few exes on facebook, the ones that I still think fondly of (in that we parted on relatively good terms, not that I still have feelings for them). We almost never talk but it's nice to see that they're doing well. I don't think I would take too kindly to DH telling me to delete them, I would find it quite controlling when I've never done anything to make him not trust me.

It doesn't sound like this is really about the exes though, it's about the fact that you don't seem to feel very secure in your relationship, you're going through a hard time personally and he seems to be spending too much time talking to people on facebook rather than talking to you about how you're feeling. Him deleting his exes off of facebook won't solve that problem, and it won't make you suddenly magically trust him.

alphabook · 09/07/2014 21:08

Lacoba - no I wouldn't make the effort to keep in touch with my exes if it wasn't for facebook. But I could say the same about all the other acquaintances I have on facebook. This is going to sound ruder/blunter than I mean it to, but I'm not sure what the point of the question is?

Thatslife72 · 09/07/2014 21:16

Well I understand were your coming from onelittletoddleterror I do actually if I had an ex I was now friends with on fb and I had no feelings for he'd moved on I'd moved on etc etc and he asked me to delete him, it would make me a bit worried firstly his lack of trust, maybe a bit controlling etc unless of course this ex was giving me a lot of attention on there and it made my bf uncomfortable, but it's just best to avoid the situation I think. The ex of his I was describing before was attractive but moved on probably no threat to me but I just didn't like it when she was commenting on photos and trying to be all chatty with him. I didn't want to say anything incase I looked jealous which I suppose I was. She actually disappeared in the end though because he never responded to any of her posts or comments, I was secretly happy. But you see the trouble it can cause, but of course I see the other side too.

In the ops case though I simply would not tolerate that, also I have a bad feeling about something I'm usually right !!!!!

Thatslife72 · 09/07/2014 21:21

A lot of affairs start on fb my dp ex wife actually had an affair with an old friend she connected with on fb! But then I guess if your gong to have an affair you don't necessarily need fb, I have just seen the trouble it causes and unfortunately experiences have made me cynical rightly or wrongly

Lacoba66 · 09/07/2014 21:44

alphabook, you haven't come across as rude or blunt. My question was I guess, more to do with the importance some people perceive/ portray of having ex partners still as part of their life.

If someone genuinely remained friends with an ex, then surely this would happen regardless? Phone calls, letters, meetings for coffee ( ideally with your significant other being aware). I have no issue with people having a friendship after a failed relationship, but if that friendship is purely based on (in my opinion) a internet distance friendship, does that or can that not suggest 'exclusivity'.

Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned?

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 21:46

lacoba my ex is a fb friend. I would not have bothered to keep in touch at all. We split amicably but we aren't friends. Our communication is simply on the level of likes and the occasional comment on photos.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 21:47

And similar to alphabook the same could be said about a lot of my friends on fb. They are just fb friends.

Lacoba66 · 09/07/2014 21:51

Sorry, alphabook, I meant to ask whether you differentiate between 'acquaintances' and 'ex partners'?

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 21:52

And no way I would go out with my ex for coffee! Unless I drag my DH along too. I think I just see fb friends differently from real friends.

WAITLIST · 09/07/2014 21:59

OP I think you need to deal with your insecurity issues. Being in a relationship with or married to someone doesn't mean you get to dictate their friends. People are not possessions.

Lacoba66 · 09/07/2014 22:14

Maybe that's where I struggle then and possibly the OP? My definition of a friend is someone that I trust and want to spend quality time with.

Perhaps we should all be defining our facebook contacts in the descriptions that they allow... There is an 'acquaintances' section as well as 'friends' section.

With regards to the OP, I think your DH is being very insensitive - forget the age gap and the early menopause (me too- 39/40). He is old enough to discuss the issues and not hide behind F/B. You can't stop what's happening to your body, but you need to have proper discussion as to the future.

wooly31 · 09/07/2014 22:14

Ester, I don't actually think FB is the issue here, although fwiw- I hate FB, I got very insecure and kept looking at ex's profiles and felt so much better for deleting it.

I think you have had a big change in your life, being told you are peri menopausal at 39. It's a big adjustment, especially as you were hoping/trying for a baby. You have described yourself as "washed up" or "dried up" or something that was terribly sad and you clearly feel your younger husband, who wants children and might be going after some of these (in your view) young nubile women? Forgive me if I'm wrong but that what's comes through in your post.

I think you need lots of talks with your husband and address this head on. He should be reassuring and loving you at this time but maybe you need to tell him your fears?? You are young and you sound lovely, please don't feel "washed up" Unmumsnetty hug, you sound distraught.

crazylady321 · 09/07/2014 22:15

I have both my serious exs on fb, I talk to them in passing we comment on pics and statuses mostly about the kids. I also have a few guys on there that ive had a one night stand/fling with at some point I havent told my OH the ones I have been with but he knows there is a few on their bar the obvious ones.

I know OH has 3 (that I know of) exs on fb but none were serious as far as I know, I dont check his messages or anything but ive no reason to suspect he messages them or anything.

Think as long as theres no secret messaging or commenting on pics about looking good etc dont see a problem with it.

I would never have an ex on fb who it ended badly with

Sallystyle · 09/07/2014 22:18

I have an ex on my FB and I chat to him.

I would delete him if it bothered my husband though. He is not a controlling person so if it bothered him I would put his feelings first and delete that person.

I don't understand why you know so much about his sexual past when it bothers you so much? did you ask for details or did he just volunteer them? I don't want to know if my husband had a threesome, how many people he has shagged or anything really about his sexual history. Others are fine with it but I am not and neither are you, so why do you know all this?

I have a feeling that he might be a bit of an arse and actually trying to make you feel insecure. I don't know for sure but I just have that inkling. There might be a reason you feel insecure that goes beyond FB.. There might not be but I don't think there is enough information yet to assume this is your problem and he isn't doing anything wrong and with your update it is looking more likely that you aren't being insecure for no reason.

wooly31 · 09/07/2014 22:21

I'm 39 and recently found out i'm having an early menopause, which i'm struggling with, especially as i wanted a baby. My husband is quite a bit younger than me, in his 20s. I just feel like shit, dried up and old and i wonder why he would want me when he has these girls available, some of them single.
I know i shouldn't be bothered as we have a fairly good sex life, despite the menopause and i look good for my age, pretty, size 12/14 with a 34dd bust.

It's this post that worries me plus the same as U2 . Is he supportive? I think this goes deeper than FB

Thatslife72 · 09/07/2014 22:37

Waitlist would you really put up with what the op is . He's not a possession but he is her husband and she has feelings ?!

alphabook · 09/07/2014 23:07

No they are acquaintances to me. I don't have any exes who I consider to be good friends.

I had one ex who I had been friends with for a long time before and after we were together, however a few years ago he cut me out with no explanation (including deleting me off off facebook). He recently attempted to get back in touch and readded me on facebook, but when he tried to start a conversation with me I didn't engage and we haven't spoken since. I have no interest in being friends with him, but that's more because he has proven himself to not be a true friend, rather than because he's an ex.

If I did have an ex who genuinely was a good friend I would resent DH telling me to end the friendship if there is nothing inappropriate about it (no flirting, not spending an excessive amount of time in contact). If you start going down that road then where does it end? Does your DH have the right to say that you shouldn't have any male friends? Does your DH have the right to say that you shouldn't ever go to clubs or pubs or anywhere where you could potentially meet men? There has to be trust, unless there is reason to believe otherwise. I don't think your partner ever has a right to tell you what to do or who to be friends with if you haven't ever done anything inappropriate.

WAITLIST · 09/07/2014 23:09

That'slife yes they are married and she has feelings and obviously is feeling insecure and vulnerable but I don't believe that trying to control her husband's behaviour is the right way to go about resolving these issues. IMO FB is not the issue here. If he deletes the ex's then what? The young girl at work, on the bus, next door. If OP is going through early menopause then hormones will be all over the place. OP needs help with her confidence issues and be happy with herself. Relying on someone else to make you feel pretty, etc only leads to angst when they don't behave in the way you want them to. You cannot control others only your reaction to them.

Pregnantberry · 09/07/2014 23:50

I think a long term partner who you left amicably is fine, I would question it if my OH started adding all of his one night stands from years ago though.

MysteryMan1 · 10/07/2014 08:34

The OP has confidence issues, perhaps rightly so given what is happening in her life. Her husband should be there to support her rather than talking to other women in the night. WTF?!

Not sure why some posters are saying FB is ok for them. Everyone is different and has different relationships, however on this instance I think the OP should sit him down and have a frank discussion about what his behaviours is doing. Whether he continues with FB is up to him.

He sounds like a bit of a twat and perhaps his only source of confidence is trying to prove to himself how many women he can get. I would be looking to get rid if he doesn't buck up his ideas TBH. The fact that the OP had to say how attractive she is seems to me that he has been chipping away at her confidence in the looks department. Maybe I am wrong but if so, completely unacceptable.

Everyone wants to feel attractive and keeping up with exes seems to be one way of doing it. You probably aren't friends with them, probably won't see them but other than curiosity/nosiness, what's the point? In some instances, being good mates with exes may work but I would think it is in the minority of cases.

MysteryMan1 · 10/07/2014 08:35

Pregnantberry-my thoughts indeed. Worrying and a bit sad IMO.

weatherall · 10/07/2014 08:40

This isn't about fb.

I recognise you from your other threads.

He's 27 and wants DCs.

You are 39 and menopausal.

I think you have to accept that your are incompatible and end it rather than having all this stress.

SandorClegane · 10/07/2014 08:51

Do you feel like your partner values you as a person? You know you have inherent value as a human being that isn't dependant on your clothes size, bust size or what you get up to in bed?

OneLittleToddleTerror · 10/07/2014 08:56

MysteryMan1 I think it's apparent to many of us that fb isn't the real issue here. If the guy doesn't have fb and wants to flirt, there are plenty of other means. Texts, phone calls, nights out, or even the office. If there's a will, there's a way.

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