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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ashamed of his gf's looks & still love her?

52 replies

stubbornwithlove · 31/01/2014 06:54

Can a man be ashamed of what his girlfriend looks like but still love her?
A friend of mine is involved in a weird triangle. My friend, Amy is just back with her ex that she considers the love of her life. I'd say they do have a very deep connection & I actually do not doubt that he loves her. However his just ex is still in his mind. He is 55 btw & the ex is 16 yrs younger but he was actually always ashamed to be seen out with her and they never went away on holiday or even a weekend together even though they were together 2 years. Whereas he & Amy went away together quite a bit. The trouble is Amy considers him the love of her life and has not been with anyone since him, she's not interested even though she is still stunning. But she fears that he is he is still thinking of his ex and worries that he will go back to her whereas I'm saying there could be no future for someone who seems to be keeping a dirty secret like seeing someone but not wanting to be seen in public with them. Please put aside how shallow/superficial that makes him seem, we are all agreed on that but few people are perfect. The question is - would there be a future for them if he is secretly is ashamed of her but obviously likes something about her, can he change?

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 31/01/2014 07:01

I wouldn't think so. I think he sounds appalling, and at 50-bloody-5, his personality and points of view are set.

Superficial may be the best if that chump.

meditrina · 31/01/2014 07:02

I think you sound over involved with A's life.

Presumably she is an adult and can make her own choices about who to date. If a partner leaves you feeling insecure, it is generally better to work out why and deal with it rather than attempt to dismiss it or let yourself be argued out of your view.

No-one should attempt to change another. Why did he become an ex onthe first place? For those factors are probably still there too?

JeanSeberg · 31/01/2014 07:02

Sounds perfect! Lucky Amy!

WarmFuzzyFuture · 31/01/2014 07:05

What motivation is there for him to change? There is none. If he didn't change when they were together previously during the honeymoon phase he won't now.

As far as he is concerned Amy has signed up for more of the same (the relationship as it was before).

VodkaRevelation · 31/01/2014 07:06

I suppose he could love her more but has the mindset of a 14 year old boy who thinks his mates will make fun of him for fancying someone who doesn't look like he thinks they should.

I wouldn't be able to put aside that side of someone. If I knew my boyfriend had treated another woman that way it would make me think less of them. I'd want to know that it was more than my looks that were my biggest draw for them. But that's me and I appreciate others have different outlooks on life.

I think your friend needs to ask if she trusts him or not. Only she can know if she feels he is really in love with her or not. I hope she finds some way to be happy in this situation or out of it.

meditrina · 31/01/2014 07:23

I'm not sure we know anything about his mindset.

OP tells us about her and interpretation and A's interpretation of a very slight set of circumstances. Which I am sure are satisfying to chew over ad nauseam, but say nothing about the essentials of what makes an adequate relationship when newly back with an ex after a long gap.

The use of highly coloured phrases such as "love of her life" show the slight unreality of it all (lust driven?).

AnyFucker · 31/01/2014 07:26

eh ?

Original poster

stubbornwithlove · 31/01/2014 08:23

Hi Meditrina - thanks for the comments. I don't think I am over-involved in her life. She is my bf and we share our problems. I was trying to help her by getting other people's points of view not just mine.

Thanks to everyone who reads & inputs.

OP posts:

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 31/01/2014 09:41

Either : the posts on Relationships are becoming increasingly odd this past few weeks
OR : I'm getting too old for all of this
is it just me?

OP, how old is Amy? And re you trying to help her, do you really think she'd care about what we think? If she did, surely she'd ask herself?

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 09:47

Oh i do hope this is one of those thread that keep on giving - im stuck in with my poorly DD watching Cbbc on loop.

Does amy have a face that looks like she was stung by a wasp? is your friend called Sharon?

Rooners · 31/01/2014 09:49

55? I knew someone like that. He was an arse and neither of them should give him the time of day.

Tell your mate to kick him to the kerb.

fuckwittery · 31/01/2014 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoppinggreen · 31/01/2014 09:52

No, it's the ex who is ugly apparently not Amy.
Is this man 55 did you say or 15???
In fact are you all 15 ?

Original poster

stubbornwithlove · 31/01/2014 09:55

Yes this is a crazy situation.
Amy's 46 and looks much younger, and is very pretty.
It's true I think, that she doesn't trust him.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 31/01/2014 09:56

Sorry, what? Can there be a future for him and Amy if he's ashamed of his ex?

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 31/01/2014 09:58

Ding ding! Madbuslady you've got it, I think. Thank you! I've been struggling for 20 minutes trying to work this one out. (Waiting in for a parcel this morning, nothing better to do).

Monetbyhimself · 31/01/2014 09:59

Well Amy I'm not sure what to make of all this. Could the ugly one be persuaded to put a paper bag on their head ?

LEMmingaround · 31/01/2014 10:41

Its clearly the exes fault for being so pig ugly that the poor sod couldn't parade her around on his arm like a trophy wife. Tell me? is he a catch?

Idespair · 31/01/2014 10:50

Amy can do much, much better.

BalloonSlayer · 31/01/2014 11:11

I'm not sure I get this.

Right.

Amy goes out with man. They break up.

Amy thinks he is the love of her life and does not go out with anyone else.

But Man does go out with someone else. He gets himself a girlfriend but didn't go anywhere with her in public, although he used to do so with Amy. Amy has interpreted this as him being ashamed of the gf's looks.

Now Amy is back with him. And despite the fact that they presumably broke up for a reason the first time, her main worry is that he did not treat his last girlfriend properly.

Have I got that correct?

BalloonSlayer · 31/01/2014 11:13

Oh sorry addendum - she is worried that he is thinking of the ex a lot.

My Qs are:

how does she know he was ashamed of her looks?

how does she know that he is thinking of her a lot?

If the answer is "Because he told her so" then he is one of those nasty bastards who tries to hold women by making them insecure.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 31/01/2014 11:19

Balloon, I think that's mostly correct, but I think 'Amy' is worried that perhaps he's still in love with the 'ugly' ex?
I'm rather confused by it.

OP - no offence intended, but are you by any chance the 'ugly' ex and are wondering if he'll dump Amy to come back to you?

Original poster

stubbornwithlove · 31/01/2014 12:55

GinSoakedBitchyPony - no offence taken. I am not the 'ugly' ex, I 've never seen her don't know if she is even ugly. I just know that he told Amy that he was embarassed to be seen out with the ex but that he was still thinking of her. I think he is trying to be honest with Amy even though he makes himself look worse.
I think the part I didn't explain well was whether Amy really commits to him again or whether there is a chance he might go back to this ex. To be fair perhaps Amy just wants to think there is no chance that he & this ex could have a future. I think she would be more relaxed if she thought that was true.
Yes, I apologies it is twisted & I didn't help by telling it all so badly but I'm loving all your comments...

OP posts:

KouignAmann · 31/01/2014 13:06

So the nub of it is that Amy has to decide whether her DP's hangups over his Ex make him unavailable and therefore the relationship is going nowhere. The relative attractiveness of the Ex or Amy is irrelevant but it sounds like the DP is using this to make Amy insecure. And he sounds like a twat.
My vote: Amy could do better than reheated seconds. He was an Ex for a reason.

WhoNickedMyName · 31/01/2014 13:12

he told Amy that he was embarassed to be seen out with the ex

Not too embarrassed to stick his dick in her though?

I wonder what he told the 'ugly ex' about Amy?

What a catch!

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