social services are destroying my family

[justalilmummy]

Social services have ruined my family and I just dont know what to do anymore, I want to run away from it all
My partner had a mental breakdown 15 months ago, leading up to this there were a few issues (arguments got out of hand abd police were called, 3 times last time 2.5 years ago)
After hes breakdown social services became involved and we were under a child in need plan
The plan said I was to protect my children by not allowing the children to be alone with their father - which I did
Partner after being released from the psychiatric hospital after 8 days was allocated a mental health nurse who he saw regularly
Everything was going great social workers visited as they still had a slight concern about dp state of mind
4 months ago he was discharged completly as they felt he was fine now and he did not have a mental disorder
Things took a bad turn after this as social worker did not agree with the decision
They first tried to convince dp to go to the doctors and get medication to help hes ' depression' even though he does not have it.
Dp did not do this so one day they turned up in the evening and said they are very concerned and he is not to come inside the family home, we were shocked by this but he went and stayed at hes mums, which we again did
6 weeks ago a child protection conference was held and they have put the children on child protection for the 'risk of emotional abuse' as father refuses to accept hes problem and I am downplaying hes mental health issues even though hes mental health worker says he doesnt have any mental disorder!
The conference was held as if he was still in the family home which he is not
Its now got even worse as they have told us that I need therapy to come to terms with the 'domestic abuse' I have suffered and my child needs therapy as well, also dp has to attend a parenting course.
They have made it very difficult for dp to attend any of these meetings as they hold them all in the afternoon even though we have repeatedly told them he can only do mornings coz of hes work
They threatened me this afternoon that as I am reluctant to go to therapy I'm giving het ammunition to take it to court for a care order
I must add there has been absolutely no issue since hes breakdown 15 months ago
This is having an awful effect on my 4 year old ds, he is waking nightly crying for hes daddy, hes begun wetting himself at school and s not eating properly
I just dont know what to do, they say this is coz he is at risk of emotional damage when it's them causing all the upset in this household :-(

[PoisonPension]

Have you got a learning disability op? Do you feel things are explained to you with words and in ways you understand?

[Jess45761]

No i do not
i might not be explaining it well enough as my head is a jumble of thoughts
basically dad has mental health issues
there was a few domestics, i called police. he has been sectioned several times
he has a drink problem and some form of drink induced psychosis.

i just feel completely lost. i have done everything they have asked. i put my eldest through counselling which was then stop as felt was not needed.
i have gone through the freedom project, i have done a family core group, i have put up with social services turning up at all hours from 7am-7pm. i have never missed an appointment, i have had 7 social workers in 1 1/2 years. i have had broken promises from all of them.
i have done nothing but do what they asked.

the one and only problem is their dad not stopping drinking, staying on medication, going for therapy.

why then cannot i not stop contact, since he has so minimal (2-4 hours a week) and it is all about him and hes problems.

and just to add in their they have told me they have no issues with my parenting

[PoisonPension]

Because your child has a right to contact that is supervised.

[Jess45761]

yes i get that
but we are doing that and he will not comply with the plan and social services have said they will go further if he does not.

what can i do?

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

If they have no issues with your parenting why would they be saying they'll take the kids away,which what you are implying?

If the dad doesn't live with them and they want them to have contact why would the be considering removal from you?

Are you planning on getting back together with their dad?

Is the contact effecting the kids?

[Jess45761]

i feel that is the only thing i can do to ensure the children are safe from harm
if he wont comply what else is there i can do? ive done all i can. just feel a bit backed into the corner, and helpless to make things move forward

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Try thinking about the questions and answering them.

I suggest you phone your social worker in Monday,ask them what it us they want and with help regarding whatever they want you to do.

You aren't making any sense to be honest

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Apologies for typos, sleepiness and aurocorrect don't mix!

[Jess45761]

no i am not with dad. the issues were/are around domestic violence/dads mental state.

eldest son has expressed hes wishes to see hes dad more often. this does upset me, however i cant give more contact at this time as he will not do what is asked.
like i said before the whole plan has been about dad, but as he hasn't complied its just dragged on. they said as it has been a year a legal planning meeting will happen, i don't know what that is despite me repeatedly asking. i

[Jess45761]

triptrap
it proberly doesn't make sense as it makes no sense to me
all i know is dad is the one with the mental health/drink problems
i have complied with social services and kids are having supervised contact
dad wont follow plan
i feel stuck.
want to stop contact as dad is causing all the problems but being told i cant.
but if dad wont stick with plan they wont go away?
all i want to know is ...is there anything i can do, coz right now feel completely powerless

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Sorry,but I don't believe it is all about dad,especially if you claim they want to take the children from you.

Did they actually say they want to remove them from you?

You clearly don't understand what is going on,or don't want to say,so talk to your social worker and see a solicitor.

[Jess45761]

no they have said they don't want to remove them from me.
they are on child protection plan, and are going to legal planning meeting?
ive asked, they don't explain it to me. the new social worker came over yesterday and even she didn't get why i have been adviced to seek legal advice.

i am just very scared. i love my kids and would give my left arm to keep them from harm, im so stressed out from it all. their dad caused all of this.
the entire child protection plan revolves around what their dad has to do. he will not do it. so i feel stuck, i cant do anything, if he wont comply i feel i can do nothing.

what i am failing to understand is, if he wont help himself, is this going to drag on till he finally does? i would quite happiy cut him out as it is the last thing i can do to ensure he will not harm them

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

So they don't want to remove them but you ask for help because they're wanting to remove them?!?!

I'm out. None of us can help you and you don't even understand the issue yourself. You need to talk to someone who does or can know everything.

Good luck

[emotionsecho]

I read it as they are going to step it up with your children's father, not you. They are possibly advising you to get legal advice to sort out keeping the father away from you and/or the children.

Write a list of questions you need to ask the SW, ask them, note down the answers and if you don't understand what they require from you ask them to explain it again and put it in writing.

I fear you are only hearing certain words or phrases and fixating on them and not hearing what is actually being said.

I understand you want to end the contact between your children and their father but it would be better if you allowed SS to do this which is what I suspect they may be working towards.

[Jess45761]

i hope so, as i have been told time and time again that i cant stop contact.
its just so hard as its me who has been harassed by them ever week for 2 years not him
they say things without really explaining and that makes me go into blind panic, they say legal planning meeting all i hear is they want to take my kids

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Another one here (me) that reads it thus:

1. you complain to SS that you want to cease your DCs' contact with their father because he's not fit to see them
   
   
2. SS tell you you're not allowed to do that
   
   
3. SS tell you that they're looking to step things up and seek legal action
   
   Unless there's a lot you're not telling us or failing to understand, I read that as them answering your dilemma about their father with a hint that they're looking to officially (legally) end his contact with the children. Less panicking, more listening to what it is they are actually saying.

[emotionsecho]

SS are telling you that if you stop contact then your children's father has the right to take it to court and fight for contact, he could use the fact that SS have not stopped his contact with the children in his favour. SS are telling you to let them do their job.

Speak to your SW on Monday and ask her to explain slowly and clearly what they mean/want and listen carefully to everything they say, ask them to repeat anything you don't understand.

[ChaiseLounger]

I agree.
Your Dh must attending all CPC and all 6 week Group review meetings.

Put everything in email.
Previous letter suggested by poster was fine, I am engaging, please confirm dates of parenting course = throw the ball back into their court, get her to do her job properly.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

I agree that they are looking to prevent contact if required,but that's only if the ops confusion is honest!

[Joysmum]

I agree with the others.

I suggest that you have somebody else, maybe your mum, be with you when the SW comes and ask for a clear explaination of what is happening and why and what your responsibilities are.

You're unable to take in or give information at the moment so you need somebody else who is.

This is why my mum has me come with her for all her hospital appointments (she has cancer), so I can take in what is being said and ask the right questions then retell mum when she's in a better frame of mind to understand.

[tobysmum77]

I have rtwt btw....

I think op you are so personally involved in this you are frightened constantly about a worst case scenario that isn't on the cards. You need to stand back, detach and look at the facts:

• Your social worker has consistently told you that you are a good mum.
• You have been told that it is about your exP, not you.
• You have been told that your dc won't be taken from you, the social worker isn't going to tell lies just to butter you up
• This has now been going on for 18 months, your dc are still with you, surely that in itself is reassuring that they want them to stay with you?

Like others have said you need someone else on your side. Personally I would choose a solicitor as I would trust them most to explain stuff, but if you can't afford one/ don't qualify for legal aid then a friend possibly someone older and on the ball will do.

And yes, you are right this won't necessarily resolve until the dc are older. Your ex is an awful father but he has the right to supervised access, that isn't going to change unless I'm misunderstanding what people have said - I'm not an expert! So unless something changes you are going to have to find a way to rub along with it for the next few years, there is no choice.

[PoisonPension]

The problem you have is that your child wants more contact. It's about wishes and feelings of the child along with the child's best interests. It sounds like they want to stop supervised contact and they are in a legal minefield.

[Quitelikely]

In cases like yours they ask that the father is removed from the home and kept away.

They rely on you to keep him away by having no contact with him and if he turns up at the house send him away or call the police if he refuses.

This is you demonstrating you can protect your children.

Has he been coming to your home?

[Quitelikely]

And your legal planning meeting is your SW talking to the authority legal team to see if the concerns they have meet the legal threshold to start proceedings.

On the basis of what you have said, that your ex and you don't have contact etc they couldn't do it. This is why there must be something else.

Seek legal advice ASAP.

[Lucked]

I think you should put in writing to your social worker and their line manager that you don't understand what is happening and that you think you need advocate to attend your meetings - or at least one!