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Original poster

I don't have the goodwill reserves to deal with DH growing a beard.

54 replies

Twoandtwohalves · 30/10/2013 11:36

This sounds so trivial written it down but it's really bothering me and I'd welcome suggestions on how to broach this with DH.

He announced yesterday some of the guys at work will grow beards for charity in December. He usually shaves every few days, and otherwise has a chin like Homer Simpson's that is grey minutes after a shave. When he has grown a beard in the past, it just comes out his face like iron filings and looks grubby.

Tbh, that's not really the point. I'm at a hugely low ebb right now, half way through maternity leave with 5mo DS2 ad 2.5yo DS1 at home most of the week. I am sick of domestic drudgery and while DH does his share of night waking and stuff round the house if I ask, I don't have the reserves to not be physically repulsed by him with a full on grubby spiky beard. I do otherwise fancy him and love it when he scrubs up but I'm concerned about spending a whole month risking that contempt that I know is so damaging. If I had more sleep, more life outside the home, more humour it would be fine but I just don't want him to do it.

He's had a tough time - he lost his mum just before DS2 was born and whilst steady, rather than moody, is still clearly coming to terms with the loss of his parents (his dad also died suddenly 2 years ago). I know if this was in AIBU I am definitely BU - what can I do to be more accepting? Or explain the situation without sounding like a completely irrational cow.

OP posts:
tingle1 · 30/10/2013 11:40

Erm. its for charity right? im sure if you tolerate this, he'll tolerate you telling mumsnet and the world that you find him gross, and also bringing the death of his parents into it. tolerate.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 11:40

How about "I don't fancy you with a beard"?

NoSplashNoGash · 30/10/2013 11:42

Hey,

Tbh I think you are just tired, very very tired, and this might even be something you laugh about in a year or so.

I do know how you feel, as my DP didn't shave for the whole of November last year (for charity i mean; Movember or something it's called??). So we stopped shaving on November 1st and our baby was born on November 29th. I was a bit embarrassed everyone seeing him like that!

But... It's only one month, isn't it? Is he just growing it for December? Then he can shave it off and you'll forget all about it. On the plus side doing something for charity is great, he has good intentions I suppose.

Try not to create extra arguments about this; I do think lack of sleep makes a person a hundred times more negative!

NoSplashNoGash · 30/10/2013 11:43

HE stopped shaving! Although I probably did too at 8 months pregnant Hmm

Tanith · 30/10/2013 11:43

I told my DH the truth: that it felt as though I was sleeping with FIL!

The beard was removed, never to return Wink

PinkBerryGuy · 30/10/2013 11:44

Beards... hmm...... how about you try to tollerate the growth but insist that he keeps it nice and neatly trimmed AND washes it and conditions it every day?

I had an awesome, wicked beard for many years, think Seasick Steve style, about 9 inches long it was. i used to wash and condition it with Tresemme Smooth and Silk every day. in the end the GF loved it, i used to stroke it along her thighs and back and....... TMI, i shall stop. lol ; )

Chattymummyhere · 30/10/2013 11:45

I know what you mean I hate dh with a beard he knows I find it very unattractive, garden brush like and generally repulsive.

He jokes about doing the charity thing every year but so far has not, I think he knows if he did for that month out relationship would be very different as I hate beards so much.. It's so bad that after 3/4 days of not shaving we end up not kissing as I cannot stand being stabbed during a kiss so he generally shaves every 2 days

HowlingTrap · 30/10/2013 11:45

I think you are being a bit mean spirited and perhaps a bit selfish?
in the nicest possible way, how would you feel if your DH came out with something like, I don't know if I have enough goodwill to tolerate a different body shape and weight gain from your pregnancy, I'll struggle not to be physically repulsed by the fact you look tired, don't have enough time to groom as much, maybe let yourself go a bit forget to shave, not very nice.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 11:48

"I had an awesome, wicked beard for many years, think Seasick Steve style, about 9 inches long it was. i used to wash and condition it with Tresemme Smooth and Silk every day."

:o :o

Sorry, but boak at having such a well-conditioned beard stroked along my thighs and back. All soft and furry, like a little mouse.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 11:49

"I don't know if I have enough goodwill to tolerate a different body shape and weight gain from your pregnancy"

Yeah, because that's EXACTLY the same as deciding to grow a beard for a month.

Fuck, I wish I could have just shaved off my baby weight.

Chattymummyhere · 30/10/2013 11:51

I agree you cannot compare a change you cannot control to so wine deciding not to shave..

The comparison would be I can't stand you having a bush it repulses me..

Chattymummyhere · 30/10/2013 11:52

No idea what happened there or why wine is in my post

meddie · 30/10/2013 11:52

Tell him you will join him and grow your muff pit and leg hair in support of his worthy cause

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 11:53

"No idea what happened there or why wine is in my post"

I think we all know what happened there - your true thoughts were coming out :o

Aworryingtrend · 30/10/2013 11:59

I felt EXACTLY the same as you when DH wanted to do Movember last year. We had a 12 week old DS, I wasn't feeling overly enamoured towards him as it was and I knew him doing something I would actively find repulsive would be damaging for our relationship. He started to grow a beard despite me asking him not to. After a few days he initiated sex but I didn't respond positively as I did not find him attractive and I was disappointed he had done it anyway despite me feeling strongly about it. I explained afterwards that I find facial hair unattractive and uncomfortable (stubbly). I asked him how would he like it if I deliberately grew my body hair despite him not finding it attractive.
Anyway he shaved it off the next morning.

Andy1964 · 30/10/2013 12:00

My DW hates beards and growth too so I now shave everyday, so don't feel bad about not liking a beard. Seems from the posts so far that most women dont like them either but....
Come on, it's only for a month and it is for charity. Who knows it may feel ok, especially down there iyswim, after a months growth.
ok, ok I'll get my coat ;)
Lighten up.

Seriously, you both need to come to terms with tiredness. Let him grow his beard for charity but try having a chat with him about tiredness and how hard it must be for you with two little ones. About how you both feel about loosing loved ones. A problem shared and all that.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 30/10/2013 12:00

The comparison is you stopping doing some sort of body hair removal - eyebrows, upper lip, armpits, legs, bikini line - insert whatever maintenance you regularly do (if any!).

Chattymummyhere · 30/10/2013 12:21

Join maybe the thought that if dh did it he would have to supply a hell of a lot of wine for me to go anywhere near him

Original poster
Twoandtwohalves · 30/10/2013 12:30

Thank you for the sympathy and suggestions. I brought the death of his parents into it as it's affecting our usual ability I communicate, ie in that I'm taking care to not sweat small stuff as he's going through it but obviously this IS some of that small stuff that I'm having trouble not sweating.

It's clear I have to tolerate if not encourage. I think part of the "disgust" aspect is that I associate beards like this either with poor personal hygiene or laziness. I did joke yesterday he'd have to shampoo it so thank you for the recommendation.

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 30/10/2013 13:22

On MN, apparently it is totally up to a woman whether she shaves, trims, waxes or braids her 'lady garden'. A man may express his view or a preference but it's up to the woman what she does with it and if he doesn't like it tough shit.

Personally, I think this goes for men's beards actually. Their face, they can do what the hell they want with it.

If a woman puts on a lot of weight and the man no longer finds her sexually or physically attractive, the man is shallow. If a man grows a beard and the woman no longer finds him attractive, it's just one of those things.

Logic according to MN.

flippingebay · 30/10/2013 13:28

How about you sponsor him to shave??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/10/2013 13:35

If this fund raising isn't happening until December then surely he won't be allowed to have a head start, he can be über clean shaven beforehand.

The time he saves not shaving he can put to good use elsewhere. Okay just a few minutes but I'm sure you'll come up with something.

I think as it's for charity I would just say okay as long as it is shaved off after the event.

Exhaustion is killing, do you ever get the chance of an afternoon nap for you and DCs? Have you got a neighbour, friend or a relative to mind DS1 while you get a rest?

Even a 10 minute catnap is meant to leave you feeling refreshed, though my worry was I'd sleep blissfully on to the neglect of the DCs.

Any teenage neighbour pre-exam revision who wants to boost her pocket money by ironing or simple housework for an hour after school?

I know your post is mainly about DH but you mention you're halfway through maternity leave. I recall some helpful soul suggesting baby water classes and circulation boosting brisk walks when I'd had DC2, i hardly liked to say it was a major feat just traversing the house picking up after pfb who was like the Duracell bunny.

My enthusiasm for energy snacks like almonds or banana waned when DC1 felt he was missing out and kicked off, but I was able to grab wholemeal toast. I think super fruits like blueberries are great if you can get them, especially with porridge for breakfast but also during the day. And foodstuffs like brown rice and lean red meat is good for you.

worsestershiresauce · 30/10/2013 13:36

Personally I think that by making a big deal out of it you will turn what should be a light hearted charitable bit of fun into an issue about control. You don't actually have any right to tell him what he can do with his face.

I can't stand it when my DH grows a beard. It goes through a phase where it looks like fungus, and ages him about 20 years. I just tell him he looks like my dad and it's impossible for me to so much as kiss him. That's a fairly effective deterrent.

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/10/2013 13:44

tbh I always hate it when I notice DH is growing a beard. It just looks grubby to me. DS1 isn't keen either and the last time he tried DS1 said with no prompting at all that he looked like an old grey man and so DH shaved it off. He was a bit put out and I agree that there are certainly double standards at work here

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/10/2013 13:53

OP I know how you feel. DH grew a 'tache for Movember last year and I hated it, because his face also looks like he hasn't washed and is stubbly and vile with a beard.

Some men grow nice beards, DH isn't one of them.