I don't have the goodwill reserves to deal with DH growing a beard.

[Twoandtwohalves]

This sounds so trivial written it down but it's really bothering me and I'd welcome suggestions on how to broach this with DH.

He announced yesterday some of the guys at work will grow beards for charity in December. He usually shaves every few days, and otherwise has a chin like Homer Simpson's that is grey minutes after a shave. When he has grown a beard in the past, it just comes out his face like iron filings and looks grubby.

Tbh, that's not really the point. I'm at a hugely low ebb right now, half way through maternity leave with 5mo DS2 ad 2.5yo DS1 at home most of the week. I am sick of domestic drudgery and while DH does his share of night waking and stuff round the house if I ask, I don't have the reserves to not be physically repulsed by him with a full on grubby spiky beard. I do otherwise fancy him and love it when he scrubs up but I'm concerned about spending a whole month risking that contempt that I know is so damaging. If I had more sleep, more life outside the home, more humour it would be fine but I just don't want him to do it.

He's had a tough time - he lost his mum just before DS2 was born and whilst steady, rather than moody, is still clearly coming to terms with the loss of his parents (his dad also died suddenly 2 years ago). I know if this was in AIBU I am definitely BU - what can I do to be more accepting? Or explain the situation without sounding like a completely irrational cow.

There was a thread on here recently where the OP's DH didn't like the new colour she had dyed her hair and wanted her to dye it back. All the responses were (quite rightly) that it was her hair and her choice what to do with it.

I'm afraid this situation is the same. It's his beard and his choice to grow it or not grow it. You're allowed to not like it, and to tell him you don't like it, but ultimately you've got to try and live with his decision.

If he told you to grow/cut/dye your hair, would you? Even if you'd already planned to do the opposite?

Thank you. The perspective is just what I needed and I had not before acknowledged the double standard which again is helping me feel more "tolerant". It is associated with tiredness, it will pass in only a month and hopefully won't be as bad as I fear. And if my toddler DS1 happens to say something where I can't so much the better.

Yesterdays thread should I change my hair colour for dh came with a resounding - no! Even if he doesn't like it as it is, it's your hair and your choice!
Yet today a man grows a beard and it's not.his hair his choice. Madness.

Anyway op- I think the tiredness.is the main problem here. It's clouding what's actually a minor issue (though I completely agree beards are yuck) it's only a month. I would also lightly suggest if you fear resentment would breed over such a superficial element, perhaps that resentment is already there. You need to talk, and find some solutions to your exhaustion. Perhaps he could look after the DC for you to have a lie in at the weekend, or a nap in the day. Combat the exhaustion and then talk about how you are- both you and your husband sound like you need a long talk with someone you love

Eew at all the blokes on here suggesting that as women we should want our men rubbing their manky beards all over our nether regions!
Would our men want us rubbing a months worth of arm pit hair all over their cocks? Thought not!
Op I am 100% behind you on this. My DH frequently tries to grow a beard and I don't fancy him with more than a couple of days stubble. It's horrible kissing a man when all you get is mouthfuls of spiky hair!

You see I quite like movember, makes even the geeky blokes at work passable, seems to bring out their sense of retro style, and DH looks pretty good with stubble too.

you sound very very shattered!

Am I mad for thinking beards are quite sexy? Four relationships in my life, four guys with beards. DP shaved his off last week, wasn't sure at first but I don't mind him without. I quite like 'manly' men though. Rugby players, hairy chests, etc.

Amazing how little things can affect you when you're tired. It might be a big deal to you but he'll probably hate it himself and shave it off quite quickly.

This thread prompted me to have the Movember discussion with DH

He is not participating this year, we will just make a donation.

Phew!

Noel Edmonds shaved his beard OFF once for charity and he looked weird.

My DH has just announced he is doing movember. He's thinking a brandonnfrom hollyoaks affair.

We have to go to a wedding halfway through the month. I will need to feign flu or something.

It's a terrible idea and I loathe facial hair. It's going to be a long long month

Sorry - it DOES sound trivial. And shallow. And reflects a double standard.

Decembearders become walking advertising for the 31 days of December through their actions and words by raising awareness of and prompting conversation about bowel cancer.

At the end of the month, it's Happy New Year and you can take pride in the fact that you are continuing to help the over 41,000 people who are diagnosed with bowel cancer each year. Well done Decembearders!!

Beards are sexy and brilliant. Fact.

betterwithabeard.tumblr.com/post/3504837466/jonathan-frakes

(please note this is a lighthearted attempt at humour, for jolly japery one may say)

well DH has decided that he is doing Movember this year after being very scathing about it in previous years. He now has the start of a 'tache and I fear will not look like Midge Ure by the end of the month. Ah well, I will go with it

TBH I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle. The problem is not his beard, it's this: I'm at a hugely low ebb right now, half way through maternity leave with 5mo DS2 ad 2.5yo DS1 at home most of the week. I am sick of domestic drudgery... If I had more sleep, more life outside the home, more humour it would be fine but I just don't want him to do it.

You acknowledge that he helps at home, which is great, but the truth I think here is resentment. You're at breaking point with things that have to be done while he's voluntarily doing something for charity, not even for the family. It's not at all that what he's doing is unreasonable, it's that what you're doing is too much for you right now. It's understandable that you're cheesed off about it.

First things first, I'd tackle a household chore list. His chores need to involve taking responsibility for them - not waiting to be told to do them but noticing that they need doing them and doing them unprompted. Delegate. Never underestimate the mental reserves used up in keeping a house ticking over (just remembering to buy toothpaste because the last one has come out of the cupboard, that you need milk when you pass the shop today because otherwise there won't be any for cereal the day after tomorrow, etc). You don't have those reserves right now. That is something your DH can pick up which will leave you feeling less put upon and exhausted.

I'd also insist that DH has both DSs at least twice a week for you to go out and do something just for you. Recapture that life outside the home. One night a week try a date night - in the house if you can't afford to go out or get a babysitter, but turn off the TV (unless it's a comedy you're watching) and talk.

I think if you manage to do all that, your DH's beard will become something of an amusing oddity that you take the piss out of, rather than something that is actively repulsing you.

Trust men to find a way to raise money that involves them NOT doing something

I've been single for 6 years. All this talk of beards and moustaches is making me come over all unnecessary

Do you have a thing for beards and moustaches Lemony? Movember must be heaven for you!

I couldn't sleep with DP if he had a beard, I find him incredibly sexy otherwise but beards don't suit him. If he wanted to raise money for charity he can just give them some money rather than looking like a hobo for the month.

I do and it is again

Sorry, I loved my EXP's beard. Tidy, trimmed, conditioned. V smart. Occasionally he would wax his moustache and the ends.. Yep, loved that too. But then we were both a bit weird. (He's gone now, but that's another thread). Big yes to beards

IVe actually offered to sponsor DH if he will shave but he's not listening at the moment.

I don't care if it's shallow, I don't like it and he would be pretty upset if I got my hair cropped, perhaps I will do a head shave for bread cancer?

RhondaJean - "...perhaps I will do a head shave for bread cancer?"

Bread cancer? Is that the wispy white mould growth in my Kingsmill loaf? I will sponsor anyone that helps to rid the world of this foul taint.

OP Can I ask if you're still being a slave to hair removal?

I have a 9 wo and a 16 mo I've only bothered with full female grooming once since I gave birth. Maybe you should join him for a month its not like its the height of summer.

Honestly I'm amazed i find time to shower and brush my teeth everyday.

I couldn't give a fig what I look like, I'm covered in spit-up and toddler snot most of the time.

DH probably thinks I've let myself go. Or he's equally too exhausted to notice/care!

Can't kiss beards, me, even though lots of men look good with them. So if DH did that there would be no kissing but he's still entitled to do it.
Just the same as if I let my pit and leg hair grow out and he found that gross, I'm still entitled to do it and he's entitled to find it gross.

Just be honest with him and tell him you don't like it. But you should add that you're also not trying to stop him doing it. It's only a month. You're entitled to your feelings, especially if there are other things getting you down.