Toxic MIL

[MommyBird]

Im drainned.
i cant do it anymore and my husband feels the same. alot of things have happened and ive posted a few times looking for advice.

A family friend has had a word with my 82 year old nan as my mil had told this family friend im bulimic ( im not btw!) my poor nan and this friend was so worried, she rang my dad in a state who had a word with me..
Turns out my mil has been lying and making up things to everyone about me, her son and making out she is an amazing nan. she is not. she is awful. my husband is fuming.

I have told my husband i cannot do this anymore. ive had PND and anxiety, ive seen a counseller and been on anti d's. ive put with her for years. so much has happened and shes done so much. i dont really want to go into it.

She is supposed to be coming down next week. i cant be nice/calm to her face anymore. i dont want anything to do with her and i dont want my daughters (4+7 weeks) to be around her.
She brings nothing but stress and negativity into our lives.

I dont want to get this family friend into trouble and mil knowing she has told us what she's been saying.
We just want to tell her not to bother coming down.

Any advice on what to say would be really helpful. sorry if its so vauge or if it doesnt make much sense. im just drainned.
Thank you (:

[MommyBird]

Just want to prepare as i know this will be on the script
..christmas.

They usually come down boxing day 3 hours late,.not like we're cooking boxing day dinner or anything

still the same rules? Im guessing they will guilt trip 'we dont get to see dd1 open her presents or be there for dd2 1st christmas'

[Jux]

I know Xmas feels imminent, but things can change pretty quickly. You may be completely no contact by then or you may have come to some sort of uneasy truce.

(Personally, if I were cooking and they were perpetually late I would simply tell them what time you will be eating and eat then. If they haven't got there in time they can have the left-overs cold.)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

As for Christmas I would make plans that do not involve them in any shape or form. Your children would get nothing positive from having these two in their lives anyway. These people do not respect you as parents and as such would likely start on you via the children in time (overtly favouring one child over another etc).

It is not your fault they are like this, their own birth families did that lot of damage to them.

Yes, still the same rules. Just keep ignoring and detaching from this toxic twosome. Any contact from you or DH on their part gives them a way in.

BTW if she is narcissistic in terms of personality, I would have to advise you that it is simply not possible to have any sort of relationship with a narcissist. Also they have NO empathy for others.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think you are doing the right thing, fil sounds like an enabler.

[MommyBird]

Fab!

My parents (well mom) cooks Christmas Day and me and my husband cook boxing day to give her a break. (theres me, my dh, mom, dad, my nan and dd 1 and now dd2!)

MIL has never invited us for christmas (not that we'd go, plus we have never invited her) she allways tells us how pointless it is and how she doesn't enjoy it anymore.-scrooge bascially--

Last year, she wanted to come down early, we said 8, she said 7, fair enough.
I was up early on Christmas morning. putting pretend snow down the hall way and making santa's footprints-
so dh said he'd get up at 6, put the Turkey in and boil the kettle and he'd wake dd1 at about 7.
Thank god he didnt. They turn up at 10:30am!
it wasnt their fault they was 3 hours late.
My husband was shattered and pissed off.

[Phalenopsis]

I know many think Christmas is a family time where all the irritations and jealousies of being part of the same family are put to one side, how you all should link arms with a glass of something (meths?) and stand around the tree singing with cherry cheeked children (who've no doubt been standing too close to the fire) and delight in every gift bought and received (not socks again?!?!) but it really doesn't work like that for many and the reason I say this is because we often make such an effort for nothing and feel stressed out and pissed off.

In your case MB, I'd concentrate on your husband and children this Christmas. It'll be hectic enough without Evil Edna and Yes Dear ruining your Christmas. Time to close ranks. She has brought this on herself.

Oh and I think putting fake snow down is a lovely idea.