Toxic MIL

[MommyBird]

Im drainned.
i cant do it anymore and my husband feels the same. alot of things have happened and ive posted a few times looking for advice.

A family friend has had a word with my 82 year old nan as my mil had told this family friend im bulimic ( im not btw!) my poor nan and this friend was so worried, she rang my dad in a state who had a word with me..
Turns out my mil has been lying and making up things to everyone about me, her son and making out she is an amazing nan. she is not. she is awful. my husband is fuming.

I have told my husband i cannot do this anymore. ive had PND and anxiety, ive seen a counseller and been on anti d's. ive put with her for years. so much has happened and shes done so much. i dont really want to go into it.

She is supposed to be coming down next week. i cant be nice/calm to her face anymore. i dont want anything to do with her and i dont want my daughters (4+7 weeks) to be around her.
She brings nothing but stress and negativity into our lives.

I dont want to get this family friend into trouble and mil knowing she has told us what she's been saying.
We just want to tell her not to bother coming down.

Any advice on what to say would be really helpful. sorry if its so vauge or if it doesnt make much sense. im just drainned.
Thank you (:

[Meerka]

People who play these games are horribly insidious - especially if you come from a normal family and don't realise what's going on for a very long time, or how to stand strong against it once you do.

Sometimes toxic people come from terrible background and these are the only ways they've found to get what they want. But unless they're willing to stop playing these games, they're terribly and subtly destructive to everyone around. Sometimes they're just willingly nasty :s

[MommyBird]

She doesnt really have much to do with 'her' side of the family, she has brothers/sisters/nieces etc.
she has told me various reasons why, its their fault. obviously
i believed her for many years, ive been aware for the last year or so she does lie..little.lies..she canceled once due to being ill..turns out she was hungover.
Things like that. ive nodddd and smiled for years.
Never thought she was that malicious though.

i can't/don't beleive anything she says anymore now.
So im not sure what her life/family was like before i met DH.

[EldritchCleavage]

She sounds incredibly messed up. And sadly, it is very unlikely that she will see the light and change. So having much less to do with her is your best option.

If your DH himself is not bothered, then there isn't much reason to see her. Don't let any family members guilt you into contact or making up with her: people can be very good at doing that when they aren't the ones who have to put up with the endless nasty drama.

[MommyBird]

Ive accepted she'll never change.
That was my problem. I allways thought she would.

I'd allways think if she chose the day to see dd1 she wouldn't cancel, if she chose the day/time she wouldnt cancel...which is why we changed our plans to suit her i just wanted her to see them. silly really
Nothing worked.

Even when i pregnant with dd2. I was overdue, slow labour and contractions would stop and start, seeing the midwife alot etc.
She could then only come down on a saturday/sunday,( cause she could a lift and didnt have to make any effort!)
i'd see the midwife on a friday and my contractions would allways kick in after a sweep i had 2. Manualy stretched my cervix. ouch! so didnt want visitors. we said she could allways come down during the week.
She didnt. She texted dh and told him to let her know when we can squeeze her in as we havnt got the time for her lately. (something along those lines)
no consideration for us.

So yes. she'll never change
im willing to give up now.

[MommyBird]

Just an update.

MIL has contacted DH to let him know she's been to the doctors today and her blood tests have come back positive for something to do with her brain wasnt really paying attention or somthing or other and she's got to have more tests.

I was expecting it as it as ive been warned about it but now i feel awful to just ignore her or keep on that we're busy.
I think im going to get him to mention about the 'bulimia'
i know she's done it to gain control because we've kept her at arms length for the past 2ish weeks.

I just dont know what to do.

[totallydone]

IT's part of the script--a way to reel you and your DH back in. I would bet a pound to a penny there is not much wrong with her.

[totallydone]

Oh and blood tests can't show something wrong with her brain,

[Oceansurf]

She's only in her early 40's??? Jeezzz. I"m in my early 40's and dealing with my own toxic MIL. I thought it was to do with her being a batty 60!

She's far too young to be causing such stress to you..I'm guessing you're in your 20's?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A sudden illness is another tactic employed by the toxic parent. It is indeed a power and control move designed to bring you back in.

[MommyBird]

Me too.
But i know we'll be evil ones if we cut contact now.
Im sick of this. she said it could be the side effects to some tablets she's on.

I dont know if we should mention that we know about the lies. we will have a valid / latest reason.

[MommyBird]

And im 24 :)

Oh really? Blood tests cant detect somthing to do with the brain?
So more lies?

[Oceansurf]

Cut her off. I haven't spoken to mine for 2 months and feel soo much better. (problem still isn't sorted mind you, but it's given me some breathing space)

[Walkacrossthesand]

She won't gain control if you don't react. 'Oh, sorry to hear that miL. Hope you're feeling better soon' . Then back to your own lives. Don't feel bad - recognise this as a script playing out, feel strong and brace yourself for the badmouthing to others that will be the next thing. Perhaps think of some likely scenarios and prepare responses - stay one step ahead.

[DameFanny]

You need both "Toxic Parents" and "Toxic In laws" - both by Susan Forward - for you and DH.

They all do the "oh the blood test shows I need more tests" thing when they want attention. Mine had DH worked up about a test she was having for something genetic that he also had minor symptoms for. Months to get the results - because she wasn't genuinely at risk she went private - and when it was negative SHE DIDN'T EVEN BLOODY TELL HIM she - and he - were in the clear.

Mil, for example, is a cunt.

[MommyBird]

Shes had a blood test and it shows shes got too much chemical on the brain it could be down to some tablets.

Ive just tried to find somthing on google about what it could be and i cant find anything. i'd hate to think she's lying about this.

why cant i have a normal woman as a mil!?

[MommyBird]

My husband hasnt replied to her.
im expecting a phone call from fil tomorrow.

Do we explain that we know what shes been saying? or just 'oh dear, hope you're feeling better soon'

Im so rubbish at this.
Im buying that book tomorrow.

[Meerka]

Keep it at "Oh dear, I hope you're feeling better soon"

You gotta keep in mind that no matter what you do, unless you dance exactly to her turn you are goign to be the evil ones here. If its not this, it will be something else. So, plan how to handle it - and keep talking to your DH.

Polite, non-committal noises of goodwill like "I hope you're better soon" are perhaps the only way to go (if anyone else knows any others, then great!)

Your fil may also end up putting the pressure on, consciously or not. You may well have to keep the same neutral, non-defensive and very calm approach. He's been with her a long time and is probably well under her thumb. Or simply say that you're going out, can he ring back when your DH is there?

[Ursula8]

Sorry but this is textbook. My own toxic mother gets "cancer" when challenged. I know it seems incredible to us sane folk but it is what they do.
As other posters have said, keep a safe distance. You have a new baby so use it, use it, use it, to be unfortunately unavailable. If you accidentally answer the phone to her, and I suggest you let your answering machine earn it's keep, just say you are very sorry she is ill, and then that you have to go out but you are sure DH will soeak to her soon. Take care, Byeeeeeee. If you don't have caller display, get it pronto.
Do NOT get sucked into thinking you have to get involved in any way in MILS medical diagnosis, care or treatment. It is all a load of crap anyway. You are far too busy with the DC to help out, what a shame. Let DH take the strain of this. If he wants to.

[MommyBird]

I dont know why im so shocked. thats if it is a lie, if it true and it amounts to something then we'll see what happens.

Ive told dh to text her saying the above. she apparently messaged at lunch time, he forgot she texted. whoops

[PinkParsnips]

Yep definitely textbook behaviour I'm afraid.

Your MIL sounds so much like mine its scary, since DH has reduced contact my MIL has now developed 'depression' caused by loneliness apparently...her relapses and feelings of being suicidal always coincide with us being busy when she wants to visit funnily enough.

It is very difficult but like others say I'm finding just saying oh dear, thats a shame and changing the subject helps as it doesnt feed the troll, so to speak!
Its just attention seeking after all so don't oblige her.

[Walkacrossthesand]

By the way, blood tests don't show brain chemical levels. Diagnostics would be much simpler if they did! I would be very non-committal about what's going on - people, even non-toxic ones, come out if a doctors room with the most astonishingly garbled stories.

[MommyBird]

Yes! I have a feeling she will develop depression, which will be fabulous as when i had it..it didn't matter and there was no changes made for me, no consideration etc.
And she will get the same treatment.

DH texted. She hasnt replied.
im feeling alot more positive.

[MommyBird]

That is probley why i can't find anything on google.
What an absolute cow..now ive said it.

Cant believe she would lie about something like that. well. i can. but im still shocked.

[Jux]

Yep, heart, depression, cancer. It's shocking when you're a normal person who would never in a million years say something like that unless it were true, isn't it? It is textbook toxic attention-seeking. Get that book, it'll really help you.

[Meerka]

Oh god, PinkParsnips, threatening suicide for attention? Low. Very low. Very hard to deal with :/