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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do i tell mum i know shes cheating on my dad!?

73 replies

Stom91 · 09/09/2013 14:12

pretty much what it says, i found out that mum has been cheating on my dad with a guy at work.
hes 20 years older than her, i think the reason she is doing it, is because her dad died in october and shes looking for a father figure.

i really hate to break my family up, but it breaks my heart even more that shes cheatiing on dad, and he hasnt got a clue. he works through the night and thats when she sees this other guy.

(TMI) she wont go near my dad for sex because she blames it on when she was on anti-depressants that is lowered her labido, but shes been having sex with this other guy, and shes been coming up in all these bruises i said go to the doctors and normally she would but i think she may be getting them from having sex with this guy ( yes i know this sounds far fetched, but i honestly think its true)

i just dont know how to tell her i know, she has me and my brother and she also has a grandchild on the way!
this whole situation makes me feel sick. my poor dad really loves her and he is always trying his best to make her happy.

what should i do, i cant ignore it.

OP posts:
Jagdkuh · 09/09/2013 14:22

Tell her as much. dont keep your old dad in the dark. theres no simple way to broach the topic.

Viking1 · 09/09/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 14:30

i was going to have the 'if you wont , i will ' convo, but like you said, what if he find out i knew.

im really close to my parents so its really heart breaking.
ive confided in my brother and he says that he will be with me when i tell her, but i think it may be better just on to one.
but i dont know how to start the convo!
eveytime i do i chicken out.
they are moving into a new house in 3 weeks.
its not so bad for me as i dont live with them but my brother does,
i dont want to make it awkward to him,

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 09/09/2013 14:41

I think you and your brother should go as a team. You will have support, and it is hard to flannel more than one person.

There is the most wonderful letter to a cheater It is available by download, costs about £8 and is on lindajmacdonald.com. I would get it and use that as a 'prompt'.

She is overwhelmed by the flattery and attention, using it to get over her pain and is not thinking any of this through.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 14:45

thanks wellwobbly and yes i think shes using it to try and get over her pain.
i feel really callous because ive moved on and im over it. but it was a freak accident and there was absolutely nothing anyone could have done to save him. i think thats helped me move on.

i just really dont know how to approach her

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 14:47

Keep well out of it!

Wellwobbly · 09/09/2013 14:49

The download is called Who will you become? and it is a letter to titillated people asking them to look into the future at the damage and chaos that they have no idea they are choosing.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 16:41

thanks, if my daughter found out my dp was cheating on me, id want her to tell me.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 09/09/2013 16:53

Gather all your strength together & tell her you know. She's not cheating because of her dad's death. Everyone's parents die & not everyone has an affair.

Give her time to end it.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 16:57

im thinking of writing her a letter that way i can say everything and not chicken out or let my pregnancy hormones get in the way

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 17:29

This might well fizzle out, keep well out of it. Its hard to see your parents as purple with their own lives but this its not your business imo.

Twinklestein · 09/09/2013 17:33

Of course it's her business, it's her mum! When parents cheat they're betraying their family as well as their spouse. I'm sure the OP would much rather not know, but it's too late for that. You can't keep something like that secret anyway.

valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 17:36

Who is to say the dad doesn't already know and is choosing to keep quiet? Mum might have done this before.

SlangKing · 09/09/2013 17:39

Personally I'd tell her - "I know about you and xxxx. I'm not sure what, if anything, I'm going to do about it beyond that I won't lie or otherwise cover for you. Decide it is that what you want and QUICKLY, cuz the longer you leave it the worse it'll be, for you especially. That's all."

Catwoman12 · 09/09/2013 17:39

How can OP possibly keep away? Please don't tell me you would let your mother carry on an affair while your poor dad thinks everything is rosey!?! NO WAY.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you need to tell her you know, you need to tell her this isn't fair on your dad and that if she doesn't stop or come clean you will have to tell your poor dad... If she try's to deny it, don't let her. You need to stop this before it goes too deep, that way this marriage can possibly be saved, the longer it goes on the more she will fall and the harder your dad will take it.

I wish you all the luck in the world, what a horrible situation you have found yourself in HmmSad

Good luck, x

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 17:40

dad doesnt know. i found on the info on facebook, which he doesnt have, he works from 3am til 12. so what she does when hes at work he doesnt know,

they only time she cheated was when she was married to her ex. and was having an affair with dad, she then married dad.
this was 20 odd years ago and there were no kids or families involved.

id rather not know, but the fact that she said that they cant be togther because of the families, shows what she is doin is wrong, but its not stopping her from doing it.

i think im going to be cruel to be kind.
if i was my dad, i would rather know.
i would rather it all came out before my baby is born.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 17:42

thank you slang and cat im going to write a letter and then either sned it to her or read it.

i feel so bad for dad.
but mums changed since we moved here

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 17:48

I think you're deluding yourself if you think your mum will say 'ok, you're right I'll stop seeing him'

She'll probably say she'll break up with him and continue anyway. Or she'll become very defensive.

prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 17:50

So what do you 'know' from fb, then?

I doubt she's changed her status to 'shagging Brian, but married to Dave'.

Your dad works from 3am until noon, and your mum is going round the lover's once he heads off to work? And you found out from fb, but your bro who lives with your parents hadn't noticed his mum disappearing at 3am?

And who's to say your dad doesn't know, but is ignoring it?

'Hey mum, are you shagging Brian? Cos it looks that way on fb' is probably enough to start the conversation. Deep meaningful letters when you really know jack shit is probably a bit ott.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 17:55

she asked me to go onto her facebook to get an address from her messages, thats when i saw the emails. she should have deleted them but she didnt.
i know my parents. dad doesnt know. because if he did he wouldnt be ignoring it, hes not an idiot

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 09/09/2013 18:01

Umm yes, how do you know from Facebook?

Twinklestein · 09/09/2013 18:02

@valiumredhead - she's not talking about telling her mum not her dad. What her mum chooses to do once she's been confronted is up to her...

valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 18:02

The messenger always gets shot.

JenaiMorris · 09/09/2013 18:02

x-post.

But even so, what do they actually say, these messages?

valiumredhead · 09/09/2013 18:03

I know. Its up to her mum what she does anyway regardless of whether the OP tells her she knows or not.