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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do i tell mum i know shes cheating on my dad!?

73 replies

Stom91 · 09/09/2013 14:12

pretty much what it says, i found out that mum has been cheating on my dad with a guy at work.
hes 20 years older than her, i think the reason she is doing it, is because her dad died in october and shes looking for a father figure.

i really hate to break my family up, but it breaks my heart even more that shes cheatiing on dad, and he hasnt got a clue. he works through the night and thats when she sees this other guy.

(TMI) she wont go near my dad for sex because she blames it on when she was on anti-depressants that is lowered her labido, but shes been having sex with this other guy, and shes been coming up in all these bruises i said go to the doctors and normally she would but i think she may be getting them from having sex with this guy ( yes i know this sounds far fetched, but i honestly think its true)

i just dont know how to tell her i know, she has me and my brother and she also has a grandchild on the way!
this whole situation makes me feel sick. my poor dad really loves her and he is always trying his best to make her happy.

what should i do, i cant ignore it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 18:10

theres messages admitting shes cheating

OP posts:
prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 18:24

'Hey Brian, love, thanks for the repeated shags, but I'm not going to leave Dave. I'll see you at 4am, love Doreen'

Or a couple from him with smooching stuff, and her saying 'leave it out, Bri, you know I like you, but Dave's my man'.

I know a woman whose own husband was convinced she was having an affair because of fb, but she hadn't seen the 'lover' in fifteen years. The husband walked out the week before Christmas. By march he realized he'd been completely wrong and moved back in, apologizing for being such a drama queen.

prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 18:27

And if your mum asked you to go through her fb messages, and it genuinely says 'I'm shagging Brian', she knows you know anyway. No angst required. She just wants to know what you think, and whether you think she should leave your dad. She's probably thinking 'how the hell can I make it any plainer to my dd that I'm having an affair, and why on earth hasn't she mentioned it?!' Grin

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 18:30

Yeah but these are new messages! Not fifteen years!
And at the end of the day cheating is cheating regardless of her intentions else where

OP posts:
prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 18:32

Messages to who, though? To the dude in question, saying 'you were really great last night and your penis is much bigger than my husbands, who incidentally I have no intention of leaving?'

The messages weren't 15 years old, in my friend's case. They were new-ish, and were just from an old flame who was keen to rekindle.

prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 18:34

And yes, cheating is cheating. But if the messages do lay out the fact she's cheating very clearly, and you have not got the wrong end of the stick, then she already knows you know. And is clearly trying to tell you that she's considering leaving your dad. Which is her prerogative as an adult, but traditionally doesn't go down well with children...

Just talk to her. The cloak and dagger stuff is nonsense, and is how everyone gets hurt more.

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 18:38

shes not that smart.

OP posts:
prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 18:59
Grin Then just say 'oi, you dozy mare, are you shagging Brian? It looks that way from fb. What about dad?'

Get it over with ;-) i

Catwoman12 · 09/09/2013 19:03

Prissy, OP is here looking for HELPFUL advice, stop digging her out!!

Her mother is a cheat! FACT
She found out through Facebook, get over it!

FGS what good are you doing, seriously? Your not helping her, your just looking to entertain yourself

prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 19:11

Nope - I'm looking to get her to just ask her mum and get it out in the open. Wallowing on mn discussing your mother's sex life is kinda grim. She'll feel much better once she actually does something about it.

Just checking she actually knows what she's talking about. She'll feel pretty bad if her mum says 'god no. I'd never do that. Bri's always liked me, but I wouldn't get it on.'

She asked for advice, if she's sure that her mum IS having an affair, and her mum is dim enough to get her daughter to rootless through her fb messages for her, and it's as plain as day, then the op really just needs to ask her outright. The shilly shallying isn't helping.

The mum seems fairly open - I assume that's how she knows about her libido problems and her parents sex life (or lack of) - so it isn't that far a stretch to just ask her about the other man. Is it?

Original poster
Stom91 · 09/09/2013 19:12

thanks catwoman anyway to those that had helpful advise, ive written a letter for which i feel abit better for. whetherni give it to her is asnother story x

OP posts:
prissyenglisharriviste · 09/09/2013 19:21

A letter? Not a fb message?

Hope your mum makes her mind up, if you're right.p

Catwoman12 · 12/09/2013 07:53

How is everything now OP? Did you confront your mum? Hope your ok c

Original poster
Stom91 · 12/09/2013 09:55

No not yet. She's moving house in 2 days so she's stressed with that .. I've got the letter just don't know how to give it to her or even start the conversation :/

OP posts:
frogslegs35 · 12/09/2013 11:12

Not a very nice situation for you stom
You're going to have to just pick a day/time and just do it, remember you've done nothing wrong here, take a deep breath and confront her.

My Dh found out a few months back that his mum has been doing the same, it really cut him up (she done it before when he was around 10yrs old and he's never really forgiven her) Anyway, he told his Dad what he knew and provided the proof he'd found, only to be told
'Don't you worry son, I already know, we have an agreement' Shock

We're unsure if this is the truth or if Dad is just saying it to save face or protect Mum from being blanked/ignored by my Dh (Dad has begged/ordered him to leave the subject alone) Dh had told her all those years ago that if she done it again he would never speak to her again.
It has hurt him so much but I've tried to gently explain that (even at almost 70yrs old) his parents relationship and sex life is very much theirs

Good luck x

Original poster
Stom91 · 12/09/2013 21:18

My parents are in their early 40's so itll probs be more then case that my dad doesn't know.. Which no know he does if he did. Then I'd know.

Just makes me feel sick that she can do it without any regard for dad.

OP posts:
Letsadmitit · 12/09/2013 21:55

You know, I disagree with that... Age is not relevant. It may be that you poor father is trying to keep the lid on things by keeping quiet about the whole thing.

If you have noted the bruises, what makes you think he hasnt?

ravenAK · 12/09/2013 22:01

I cannot imagine ever thinking this was anything whatsoever to do with me, tbh, if it were my parents (actually I'm pretty sure it was, back in the late 80s when I was a teenager).

I'm not saying everyone else demanding you Confront Mum & scope out her intentions towards Poor Deceived Dad is wrong - but it'd be squarely filed under MYOB as far as I was concerned.

elsabel · 12/09/2013 22:40

Hi op. I am so sorry youre going through this. I went through as very similar situation 10 years ago when i was just 16. I could not control myself and ended up confessing that i knew, my mum continued with the affiar right under our noses until it all came out months later on its own, i still do not know to this day if my dad knows i knew. I feel awful about it and have never really gotten over it

Im not sure what my point it, but i would suggest you tell your mum, insist she ends it and/or tells you dad and goes from there. For the sake of your sanity if nothing else.

I dont think the nit picking at how you found out by other posters is really necassary, the point it your mum was reckless and now you know some awful information you probably wish you didnt. My mum was just as stupid which led to me finding out and i know how angry it made me. Good luck op, please let us know how it goes.

elsabel · 12/09/2013 22:41

Sorry for the typos its late for me and getting tired!

Original poster
Stom91 · 12/09/2013 22:55

She's told us about the bruises and dad so he thinks her veins are just popping. As she bruises very easily.

Yeah my dad's not like that if he knew then we would all know. Just like 20 years ago when he cheated on mum the first thing she made him do was tell me and my brother he was leaving.. We were very young then.. . Different is his was just a one off. mum is having an affair.

I just can't believe she's doing this knowing she has a grandchild on the way.

OP posts:
elsabel · 12/09/2013 23:04

I know when my mum did it she was being completely selfish and nothing would have stopped her (it only ended when OM ended it). People have affairs, some get over it, my parents did. Yours may. But try and think about yourself and what is easiest for you, especially as you are pregnant and dont need the stress. Can you honestly go on knowing this and doing nothing?

Original poster
Stom91 · 12/09/2013 23:10

No not really :( but I feel so ad bringing it up but I'm so close to my parents i feel like I'm betraying dad ad he's always doing his best for her.
They move house on Saturday and I promised my brother I wouldn't say anything til then as hr wants to move.

I duno what she will be more angry about the way I found out or that she got caught

OP posts:
elsabel · 12/09/2013 23:15

She has done this, not you OP. Right now you need to put yourself first and do what you feel is right. Im not telling you to go straight ahead and tell your dad as its not easy, but it sounds to me like youre not doing what you feel is right due to fear of upsetting people. It will upset people and i think your brother should appreciate how this is making you feel.

Original poster
Stom91 · 12/09/2013 23:19

Yeah it's not my place to tell my dad it's hers...
My brother said he will be with me when I tell her if i want
But I'm not sure I can look at her when I say anything so I may just send the letter over written
Just hate to be the reason my family splits.
Always imagined my child having their grandparents in one house etc if that's makes sense
They may not even split up. But I just want mum to acknowledge what she is doing is wrong and it hasn't end

OP posts:
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