how do i tell mum i know shes cheating on my dad!?

[Stom91]

pretty much what it says, i found out that mum has been cheating on my dad with a guy at work.
hes 20 years older than her, i think the reason she is doing it, is because her dad died in october and shes looking for a father figure.

i really hate to break my family up, but it breaks my heart even more that shes cheatiing on dad, and he hasnt got a clue. he works through the night and thats when she sees this other guy.

(TMI) she wont go near my dad for sex because she blames it on when she was on anti-depressants that is lowered her labido, but shes been having sex with this other guy, and shes been coming up in all these bruises i said go to the doctors and normally she would but i think she may be getting them from having sex with this guy ( yes i know this sounds far fetched, but i honestly think its true)

i just dont know how to tell her i know, she has me and my brother and she also has a grandchild on the way!
this whole situation makes me feel sick. my poor dad really loves her and he is always trying his best to make her happy.

what should i do, i cant ignore it.

I know someone who lifted the lid on a parents affair and the parents 20plus year marriage broke up so think v carefully to see if you are ready for the consequences. Fwiw your mums fling could be a reaction to death of a close relative, people react differently. She isn't planning on leaving your dad so it might just burn out. Life isn't black and white.

It's not about your marriage, it's about your're dps' marriage, and I feel on one level you're thinking of yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Your dm is young, maybe she's not happy in her marriage, maybe she's grieving and your df didn't give her the support she needed. Parents, even 40 plus are humans too.

Marriages break up every day. It's unfortunate you've found this out.

As you don't seem to know why your dm would do this, maybe your df would understand, and maybe he even knows.

Be careful.

Life's not text book all the time you know. You must be young (having such a young dm), and of course you feel sad, I understand that. But sometimes you don't always get your dream.

Oh come on people - this is taking the whole sympathetic to her DM thing too far. Life's not black and white but cheating is cheating. whether her DF opts to forgive or not that has no bearing on the facts.
We're making out OP's DM is some heroine in some mills and boons tale.

She's cheating and letting OM know she can't leave the kids (who've grown up and can fend for themselves pretty much).
She's having her cake and eating it. chumplady/lost baggage/ read them all.

OP your decision is not one of some glorious 'why'. the back story means nothing.
If you condone cheating then condone what she's doing. If you don't then don't condone it. It's really that simple.

Hate it when it's written but I've got to say if your DF was the cheater - I don't think people would look for a reason why. they might still advise not to tell - with the same argument - but they would not be saying he is in a loveless relationship, maybe he's trapped.

So keep it simple. accept it or do not accept it.
Would you want your children to think cheating was a normal response to whatever issues are in a relationship? that will answer your question.

I told my DM when DF was cheating. she sided with him. she stayed, i left as soon as i could, 25 years later we reconciled, now he's still around turned cocklodger - she says she wish she had listened in private moments. stand for what YOU believe in.

there is no right or wrong

Fair play mice

But there's always another side. No?

You don't know any more detail than we do, or did I miss that, which isn't really much. I'd feel the same if it was a df too. They're adults, no-one knows the fact behind it all.

Cheating is for sure, black and white. I don't think anyone condones it, and has passed it on to their dc's here?

The df is out working all night... Maybe they just don't suit any more. Tsssk.

DOING NOTHING IS A DECISION IN ITSELF. - by doing nothing you will have decided it's acceptable and you are ok being complicit in the affair.

and there's nothing wrong with that either.

you're not here by choice. but now that you are - you have to choose. No right or wrong.
Good luck

I hate cheating. Its wrong. Whether we have grown up or not.
I don't condone it at all.
Yes she may be doing it because she's grieving but that's no excuse.

I've been cheated on and it hurts like hell... Which is why I feel sorry for dad he is nothing but nice to her.
If she is willing to throw away a 20 yr marriage that's up to her. But she has to know that what she's doing in wrong.
Its just the how to go about telling her bit I'm struggling with

Monty I am in neither camp.

Just do not want the emotional baggage that comes with the decision to cloud OP's judgement. if we know nothing then we do not assume. and we ask OP to do what she feels is the right thing.

we are all trying to support her as best we can and I think the best way I can support her is for her to feel she is doing what SHE believes in. That way any fall out will be minimised because she truly believes in her actions.

Cheating is wrong. No doubt about it.

I've had the image of my dd knowing I was being unfaithful and telling me. That's what she would do. DD would be horrified, she has an honesty about her. She would tell me. If she ever spoke to me again that is. She's 20. I don't think she'd tell, but would insist that I did. (Her df and I aren't together but are close but that's neither here nor there).

Tell your mum you know. I'd die of shame if dd and I had to have that conversation.

Good luck.

Cross posts Mice I've had a think about it as above post.

It's loyalty to the df I feel, and disgust at the dm. ? :(

DD would certainly be disgusted with me and call me on it for sure.

Cheaters are loathsome,,, and not very bright. Even if they don't feel guilty about the cheating itself they have to deal with the stress of maintaining the fiction in the primary relationship while hoping they don't get caught. Small wonder they find happiness elusive.

I tend to see things in black and white so for me I think the OP needs to tell her mother asap that she has read stuff and believes that her DM is having an affair. I don't know what happens after that. If DM denies it or says she is happy and going to continue with this should the OP tell her DF about this?

Only the OP can gauge how things are panning out but initially she must speak to her mother as by keeping this secret is not good for her or relationships with her parents.

One step at a time but the worst thing for now is to do nothing.

Some thing similar happened to a friend of mine. Her dad was cheating on his wife. Loads of affairs.

My friend and her sister found out. Rightly so, were disgusted etc. Told their mum. Practically hounded their mum to throw the dad out. Which eventually she did after the daughters emotionally blackmailed her.

Years later, the mum is still bitter beyond belief at having been forced to end her marriage due to her daughters. And alone, having not moved on.

The dad? Remarried and a new young family. So my friend and her sister whom are in their late thirties now have step siblings that are a year and 2 years old.

And my god the hatred they feel for their dad for making them feel replaced is awful to listen to. And their mum is not too keen on her daughters either.

The moral would be, yes people behave badly. Sometimes you can help the situation improve. And sometimes you make it even worse.

My daughter found out about my husband's affair. She didn't confront him with it: she came to me and told me her suspicions. Could you do the same with your father? If you approach your mother she will probably deny and minimise things and it's not really up to you to police her behaviour. But your father does have a right to know, whatever the consequences may be for the family. I think I'd have found it hard to forgive my daughter if I found out later - and she and her friends may have been talking about it - and I had no idea. I think you need to be brave and talk to your poor dad.

I wouldn't bother with a letter.

My mother was cheating with my best friends dad. I was 14 at the time.

I asked her one day when she was sat at the kitchen table with her friend. Just blurted it out, are you shagging so and so mum? They both looked at each other and I had my answer.

My dad already knew.

Confront her. Tough I know, but just cos she's your mother it doesn't mean you have to carry this with her.

Thanks. I don't think dad should hear it from me. I think that mum is the one doing it then she sound suffer the consequences and own up herself. X

She married very young the first time and then married your dad very soon after. Maybe she hasn't grown up if she is having yet another affair.

I agree masai.

Ok, you want to confront your mum and make sure she tells your dad...

What makes you think you can decide what your mother will do next? What if instead of feeling embarrased and repentant she just says 'now you know there's no point to keep up with appearances" and leaves your dad? Are you prepared for that?

It seems to me you are a tiny little bit after some drama, and in these occasions is about trying to limit the amount of damage caused, the way you talk to them will have a huge impact on whatever happens next. If you want your dad to know, tactfully tell him yourself.

Adultery is something that happens when either or both partners are disenchanted with the relationship, this doesn't happen in good solid marriages (even if in the eyes of one partner everything is perfect). Believe me, if your mother have stayed for YEARS in a marriage that no longer works for the sake of her children, she will hit the roof if you tell her now she needs to wait because there is a grandchild coming. You know, despite her behaviour, well... Everybody has a right to have their needs considered, the grandchild doesn't trump the grandmother... Sorry.

"Maybe she hasn't grown up if she is having another affair", or maybe, now that she has grown up she has realised she married too young to realise she was marrying the wrong person.

If you look at some of the divorce threads you will notice that there is quite a considerable number of people who have left their marriage after a death, all of them said that when that person died they realised life was short and they were wasting it in unhappy relationships so I doubt very much your mother is looking for a paternal figure in the person she is having the affair with.

I would say... "Mum you've not bothered to cover your tracks cheating, and in fact put me in a position where I was quite likely to see your messages. Have some respect - if you are looking for a reason to get it all out in the open don't use your own child because it isn'tfair.How am I going to look at dad now? Spend time with you together, knowing what I know? You have to sort it out now."

I'm sure that a spell will make everything alright.

Stom, it sounds like nothing will ever be quite the same again for you. I think that speaking/ writing to your mum as a first step is a good idea because otherwise it will always be between you.

At the moment therés no need to look further than that because actually the ball at that point will be in her court. If she chooses to do nothing, then you'll have to decide about your father but if she chooses to do something, you can decide the next step from there.

You said you've written the letter. I would give it a week or ten days to let the worst of the move settle and then leave it where she (but not your father!) will find it quickly.