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Original poster

Does your partner tell you what to wear?

60 replies

violet123 · 16/07/2013 13:18

I recently went shopping with my boyfriend to buy some pyjamas. I wanted a light top to wear in the hot weather so chose one which was a bit see-through. My boyfriend basically told me not to buy it, as it was inappropriate (even though he will be the only one to see me in it!) but I bought it anyway. He spent the rest of the day in a bad mood, and when I put it on we had an argument. Should you listen to your partners point of view in relation to clothes or should you buy and wear what you want? Was I selfish and should I have taken his opinion into consideration? Advice please.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2013 13:21

If your partner is a Gok Wan type and constructively pointing you towards clothes that suit you... listen to them. If he's steering you towards the burka selection based on his own insecurity and inadequacies as a man and then making a big deal of it .... forget it

Is this an isolated incident or does he think he can control you in other ways? If it's he latter... LTB.

Ragwort · 16/07/2013 13:21

What? ! For a start I would never, ever go clothes shopping with my husband and no, I wouldn't listen to him at all if he commented on what I wore. Equally I wouldn't dream of commenting on what he wears even though I think he is a very scruffy dresser.

I think your boyfriend sounds very controlling, are you living together? I would seriously think about if you want to be with someone who comments on your pyjamas Hmm.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/07/2013 13:21

Ltb

It's a pyjama top ffs. No, you should be able to buy and choose what you like - sounds like he's trying to control you

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/07/2013 13:21

Big red flag.

You are a human being and a free agent. He appears to see you as a dress-up doll. This is an example of him trying to control you - and the sulking when he did not get his way is a continuation of that control, for now you are stuck in a position of changing your behaviour to better manage his moods.

He does not sound like a respectful kind of boyfriend, violet.

SourSweets · 16/07/2013 13:22

Inappropriate? Who else does he think you're going to be sleeping with? He's being ridiculous and I hope you told him that!

junipergin · 16/07/2013 13:24

I would never go shopping with a man/partner or let them tell me what to wear, if they did frankly i wouldnt take any notice. It's your body and you can wear whatever you like. Do you tell him what to wear? Fair enough maybe giving and opinion and saying something like i'm not keen on it but telling you not to buy it is out of order and you are not being selfish.

Locketjuice · 16/07/2013 13:24

I ask him if he likes it if we're shopping together and he tells me what he thinks..if he hates it I wouldn't buy it but if I loved it and he didn't really like it I would Smile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2013 13:26

violet

This is actually a big red flag in terms of behaviour; this is your boyfriend being controlling as well as paranoid. Controlling behaviour is at its heart abusive. Controlling men are often very angry men as well. You have every right to buy and wear what you please, its not up to him to be the fashion police. He is acting like this for a reason and to him its about having power and control over you. He wants absolute over you and you ignore or minimise that at your peril. He wants you in a gilded cage of his own making. He thinks that you will be either attractive to or run off with another man if another man was to see you in a strappy top. He likely saw controlling relationships as a child, this is deeply ingrained within him and such men do not change.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. You will find him in there.

Does he take you to and or from work as well, was he charm personified in the early days?. Could not do enough for you?.

I would actually look into getting out of this relationship asap before you become further controlled by him. There have probably been other controlling behaviours too but this type of abuse is insidious in its onset and a person can too easily miss the warning signs.

He will make you afraid of your own shadow by the time he's finished with you if you are not already questioning your own judgment already. You're already questioning your own judgment because of your last question posed.

RandomFriend · 16/07/2013 13:26

He got into a bad mood because you chose a pyjama jop? Run, op, run.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 16/07/2013 13:28

Yeah, that's a red flag.

It's one thing to discuss clothes / fashion with your partner and steer suggest things that suit them - I do this with DH otherwise he would live in grey and 20 year old indie band t-shirts 100% of the time instead of just 80%.

But PYJAMAS??? You can wear wtf you like to bed. I think he needs dumping tbh.

absentmindeddooooodles · 16/07/2013 13:28

Major red flag. I was in a relationship like this for over 3 years. It started like this. Got progressively worse and ended up to the point where if he did not like what I was wearing he would lock me in the bedroom until I changed. He would bring home clothes that were suitable and I was categorically not allowed to swear hoodies hats headbands or any baggy tops. I had to wear heels when he told me to.

Luckily I eventually got out of it but it was so much harder after 3 years of various abuse.
I could understand your bf being a little funny about a massively revealing outfit, or if hen was genuinely trying to help you find something that suits you, but in really don't think this sounds like the case. Its a PJ top fgs! What next he will expect you to wear a slip so that your underwear isn't so revealing??

Consils · 16/07/2013 13:29

My boyfriend is a Gok Wan type. We have the same size feet and he tries on high heels before buying them for me. I don't mind because he has better taste than me. I don't have a controlling boyfriend; I have a dresser.

Having said that, I can buy and wear what I like. I have just bought a pair of three quarter length summer trousers and I am sure he will hate them/designate them for dogwalking only.

NoComet · 16/07/2013 13:29

Very weird, men normally like see through clothes.

I had a student BF who didn't like my very clingy T shirt material dress. But he was a 20 y virgin and very shy and 25 years ago, it was a very debatable dress.

Not now days, DD1 has one at least as tight and far shorter.

So it does seem an odd reaction for a grown man.

amessageforyouYoni · 16/07/2013 13:36

My DH never passes any negative comment on what I wear. He would only ever say when he thinks something is particularly nice, I look nice etc.

ShoutyCrackers · 16/07/2013 13:36

He sounds weird. Most men like that sort of thing or would have no interest whatsoever.

My DP expresses his view if I wear jeggings or anything vaguely batwing because he hates both. So I usually only wear jeggings if I'm not with him as he would be prone to a small piss take. But no... no sulks or anything like that.

TurnipCake · 16/07/2013 13:37

Big red flag.

Twirlyhot · 16/07/2013 13:38

How bizarre.

ithaka · 16/07/2013 13:40

I would laugh and laugh if he tried - he looks like he got dressed in the dark, so is no position to hand out fashion tips.

Seriously, no - and I don't tell him what to wear either, because we are both grown ups & can dress ourselves.

Squitten · 16/07/2013 13:43

My DH will often comment as to whether he thinks something I want to buy or have already bought is nice. For example, he always encourages me to wear dresses and skirts because he likes them. I can't actually recall an occasion when he has ever criticised anything I wear.

But that's outdoor clothes. He would never comment on my pyjamas/lounging about clothes, let alone say it's innappropriate, unless I was trying to wear a neglige in front of our teenage sons or something! Big red flag OP!

wasabipeanut · 16/07/2013 13:43

Agree with the "big, red, controlling flag," view. Sorry OP. my controlling, eventfully abusive first husband would do things like this. He stopped me participating in the moonwalk event as "I'm not having my wife going out with her tits hanging out."

My advice is to run now.

littleducks · 16/07/2013 13:47

I'm pregnant so often ask dh if I look alright as things fit and look nice one minute but not the next. At times he has to (and tact isn't his strong point) suggest a more flattering outfit. At home, I wear whatever I like flattering it not as long as I'm comfy.

It goes the same in reverse, I will suggest alterations for outfits for work but wouldn't dream of saying anything about his 'loungewear' though it is not stylish!

Inappropriate us an odd word to use. Do you have children who would see you wearing it that he dislikes the use of, or is it just the scenario if you opening the door to the postman of something? I don't think many people see me in my pyjamas!

NotYoMomma · 16/07/2013 13:52

haha he could try but would be dismissed.

he once told me I looked like jazzy Jeff... he was right Blush but he woukd never tell me what to wear.

I would be a bit Hmm about him, esp as hewent in a strop!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2013 13:56

'Inappropriate' makes him sound like a complete stuffed shirt or one of those oppressed religious types.

Meglet · 16/07/2013 13:58

No my XP didn't, although he was awful in pretty much every other way.

My sister has a new BF and she's chucked out loads of clothes because he doesn't like them. I'm livid and keeping a very close eye on him. I already thought he was a twat anyway

LiveItUp · 16/07/2013 13:59

Run honey run. Firstly, the telling you what not to buy/wear, and secondly the mood when you didn't do what he wanted of you. This will not end well for you if you stay, but thank goodness you have already seen this is not normal behaviour, hence your OP. Do yourself a huge favour and get out quick (he won't like that either, so pack and go and then text him if you can - discussing it won't work). Good luck.