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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I knew this day would come.. but is it too soon?

78 replies

ProperStumped · 06/06/2013 21:25

Namechanged for another post, but can't be arsed changing back.

I've just had a facebook conversation with DD, who's upstairs asking me whether she can go on a camping trip.... overnight.... in a couple of weeks with the gang of kids she knocks about with.

I am showing you the FB convo, partly because I am about it, and partly because I am about it

Her: oh yeah, sorry. right ok ive been invited to a camping trip with everyone. On the 22nd till the 23rd. And i know i asked a while ago, but you said "Ask me when your older". And i know you probably thought i never would, but sorry.

Me: Who is going? Who are you sharing a tent with? Where is it, and how are you getting there?

Her: Me, H, J, D, C, maybe C. Sharing a tent with the girls. Not decided on where it is yet. betweent wo local places. Getting dropped off or walking if its the second option

Me: Is there drink? Do any of you fancy each other? Tell me the truth.

Her: oh my god. no and no. except H and C.
and if there is drink, they havent told me and i wont be having any as i look like a fool. and it tastes rank

WWYD? She's a really sensible kid, trustworthy and I'm very proud of her. But is she too young? Is there going to be shenanigans?

She's 16 in November.

OP posts:

tuffinmop · 06/06/2013 21:39

No. Too young sorry. I'd be pitching up close by.....

foolonthehill · 06/06/2013 21:43

who are the others and what are they like.

I couldn't advise you except to say i was camping unsupervised on Queen's Guide and Duke of Ed around this age. nothing happened, I was sensible and it was fun...and we didn't even have mobiles then!

it's going to happen sometime and personally i would be glad for it to be a short local trip to start with rather then the 2 week trip to italy age 17 that my DB prsented our parents with.

what's your gut saying?

Spaghettio · 06/06/2013 21:57

SHe sounds sensible - let her go. It's got to happen at some time. Good luck.

Original poster

ProperStumped · 06/06/2013 22:15

foolonthehill, my gut says to let her go. And then I think what I was up to at her age....

She doesn't smoke, she doesn't drink, she's never had a boyfriend. As far as I'm aware, she's never even been kissed. She tells me most stuff, and I know if she didn't feel comfortable with this group, she wouldn't go. She doesn't like staying away from home much.

The group that she would be going with are the group that she goes to the park after school with, into town with, etc. I've had a few of them on sleepovers, including one of the lads, and they're all nice kids.

OP posts:

itsn0tmeitsyou · 06/06/2013 22:18

Like foolonthehill - I went camping on Duke of Edinburgh too at 16, though tbf they kept the boys and girls separate. At 16 or nearly 16, if there's going to be shenanigans, there's going to be shenanigans, whether she goes camping, or just out for an hour .... You find a way at that age if you're going to... I think you've just got to trust in your feeling that she's sensible enough not to, and showing her you trust her can only be good for your relationship...

ALovelyBunchOfCoconuts · 06/06/2013 22:21

she's 15, let her go

as long as there are emergency protocols put in place - phone numbers etc then i don't see a problem. she sounds v sensible much more than i was

Vivacia · 06/06/2013 22:23

I agree with itsnotmeitsyou. Talk to her about your worries and negotiate some commitments from her, such as to phone you at a certain time.

Wowserz129 · 06/06/2013 22:23

Hell she is nearly 16. I would let her go under strict instructions.

scaevola · 06/06/2013 22:26

No adults at all going with them?

There will be shagging.

There will be alcohol.

There will probably be other drugs too.

There will be Far More opportunity than they've had before.

Make sure she knows the recovery position, and that No Matter How Embarrassing, if someone collapses, the must ring for an ambulance.

Feelslikea1sttimer · 06/06/2013 22:29

I had this with my 14 year old boy... I said no, but let him take 1 can of beer and said I'd pick him up at 10pm (he's normally in for 9) he huffed and puffed but realised it was a take or leave offer....

I got a phonecall at 8:25 saying they were all freezing and could all 5 of them sleep at ours... Of course I said yes and ordered them all pizzas and he's never asked since!

I'm not sure though, if he was 16 I'd maybe be inclined to say yes (and camp in next field to make sure they were safe!) :-0

Original poster

ProperStumped · 06/06/2013 22:30

scaevola - really?? I had lost my virginity by her age, but that was at my boyfriend's house. If I had gone camping with my mates, I wouldn't have had sex, no way.

She's very, very anti drugs. That's something I know she won't do. The alcohol, on the other hand... that's what makes you make stupid decisions, and that's what I'm worried about.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 06/06/2013 22:31

I was only 10 months older than her and I'd left home and rented a flat with my boyfriend.
Depends on her maturity and that of the people going with her of course - but I say yes! Let her go!

edlyu · 06/06/2013 22:37

A friend's daughter went overnight camping to an intercity open space festival type of event with a group of friends. She was warned about every evil under the sun and dire warnings about her own conduct were heaped on her head before she went.

She ,unsurprisingly, had a whale of a time and arrived back home safe and sounds.

But shoeless.

One warning that was missing was NOT to put your shoes outside the tent when you go to bed....

myroomisatip · 06/06/2013 23:41

hhmmmm reminds me of a time I went camping I had a great time until my friend told me the following morning that everyone else could hear everything!!!!

Might be worth mentioning that sounds travels

AnyFucker · 06/06/2013 23:42

she is 15 ?

fuck, no

Selba · 06/06/2013 23:50

I camped all weekend at age 14. I'd let her

dontyouwantmebaby · 07/06/2013 00:18

I went camping at 14 too but it wasn't just me & my mates without any adult supervision whatsoever. We still had a great time. I think its too young to let her tbh.

Love your DDs response "and if there is drink, they havent told me and i wont be having any as i look like a fool. and it tastes rank".

So there won't be any BUT if there WAS (you can bet there will) you don't need to worry because it tastes rank and anyway, no-one's mentioned there will be any.

onefewernow · 07/06/2013 00:33

I was asked this about a festival . I said no as she was under 16 and still at school. At same age, I also refused a sleepover in a barn, a sleepover where mum wasn't present and other events.

Peer pressure is a big issue.

Finally I would say yes this year - nearly 17- but she is over that age hump and actually much smarter.

It us not a conversation to have by text.

You are her mum , not her friend.

AnyFucker · 07/06/2013 06:37

My DD is now 17 and about a thousand times more sensible than when she was 15

15 is the age of maximum experimentation , lying and foolhardiness, IMO

OrangeLily · 07/06/2013 06:58

At the end of the day if there's shagging or drinking she's going to do it anyway. My parents were incredibly strict and all that ended up happening was that it happened anyway. It also damaged our relationship when they found out.

englishteacher78 · 07/06/2013 07:05

At 16 me and some mates camped at Reading festival. I'd let her.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/06/2013 07:12

My dd is 15 and tbh I wouldn't let her go.

Yes, I know that she doesn't need a camping trip to do xyz and she will find a place to do it.

But....overnight. No supervision. Peer pressure. Maybe other friends not so sensible. It's just too much oppourtunity in my opinion

But then, my dd just turned 15 in April. And, I suspect if given an overnight camping trip with boys, possibly alcohol, no adult close by, no one in earshot, she might do things that she wouldn't normally do.

That's just my opinion though.

exoticfruits · 07/06/2013 07:15

In 29month's time she can go anywhere and do anything without your permission, if she can afford it, therefore it makes sense to start now in a small way. If you don't do it now then definitely this time next year- you could say 'next year instead'.

greeneyed · 07/06/2013 07:17

A mixed group of 15 year olds going camping. There will be drinking and shenanigans that's what 15 year olds do isn't it? Doesn't mean you shouldn't let her go as they will always find opportunities for the above.

HappyAsASandboy · 07/06/2013 07:17

I would say yes and send her off willingly. You think she is sensible and you have met and like her mates.

For what it's worth, I was going to mixed sex, minimally or non-supervised parties at 15. There wasnt much/any alcohol involved then, but by 16 there was and some people got pretty messy. Some people had sex too.

But it was brilliant fun, and we all looked out for each other. It never got so bad we needed to call for help, because we looked out for each other. When people had sex it was because they were in a relationship, were happy to do so, and were in a safe place at a mates house or camping with friends. IME there is no better place than local camping or mates houses to get all the risk taking, first-time sex, first-time drugs (if its going to happen) and drunken antics done. A teenager that had the freedom to do all those things in that safe, known environment will be far better equipped to cope with it all at university/in life, when suddenly the people are older and not so well known, the places are big cities and the houses of acquaintances.

I would let her go. I think it would be silly to start up a culture of 'doing things behind your back because you'll always say no' over a relatively harmless, controllable, local situation. She needs to know you won't always say no so that she keeps telling you where she is/what she's doing, and she needs to know that your normally say yes so that she respects your opinion when you finally say no over a 4 day festival on the other side of the country at 17.

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