I knew this day would come.. but is it too soon?

[ProperStumped]

Namechanged for another post, but can't be arsed changing back.

I've just had a facebook conversation with DD, who's upstairs asking me whether she can go on a camping trip.... overnight.... in a couple of weeks with the gang of kids she knocks about with.

I am showing you the FB convo, partly because I am about it, and partly because I am about it

Her: oh yeah, sorry. right ok ive been invited to a camping trip with everyone. On the 22nd till the 23rd. And i know i asked a while ago, but you said "Ask me when your older". And i know you probably thought i never would, but sorry.

Me: Who is going? Who are you sharing a tent with? Where is it, and how are you getting there?

Her: Me, H, J, D, C, maybe C. Sharing a tent with the girls. Not decided on where it is yet. betweent wo local places. Getting dropped off or walking if its the second option

Me: Is there drink? Do any of you fancy each other? Tell me the truth.

Her: oh my god. no and no. except H and C.
and if there is drink, they havent told me and i wont be having any as i look like a fool. and it tastes rank

WWYD? She's a really sensible kid, trustworthy and I'm very proud of her. But is she too young? Is there going to be shenanigans?

She's 16 in November.

[exoticfruits]

You have to hope that they are not naive enough to put it on FB.

[ProperStumped]

I know, exotic If I knew them, I would tell them. I cannot imagine coming home to something like that, I would hit the roof

Little shits. Teenagers though, innit. I'm just really glad it's not mine. Yet

[ProperStumped]

EXACTLY WHAT YOU BOTH SAID!!

She's so naive. I'm glad she is, in a way, but she hasn't got a clue what goes on. Getting spiked is my worst fear for her. Anything could happen. That shit gets out of control, I can remember it well

I just feel sorry for her. She's gutted, and she's a good kid and I can't let her go. Obviously I'm not going to change my mind, and she's just going to have to suck it up - and that is craperoo at that age. At any age actually!

[PattyPenguin]

ProperStumped, is it worth pointing out news stories about parties like this that have got out of hand? Like one in North Wales recently
www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/six-arrested-after-100-gatecrash-4307909

Can she be sure every one of the 100 people (and the rest) who are going to the party will behave themselves? Does she really want to be involved if the house gets trashed, or someone is attacked?

It's not easy, is it? My sympathies.

[exoticfruits]

It sounds as if you are in for a rough ride! I thought camping was OK but you are sensible not to allow the house party- the poor parents!

[ProperStumped]

UPDATE

So. She decided not to go camping this weekend, she wants to go to a house party instead....

I had said that's ok, as long as there is an adult somewhere in the vicinity. Except there isn't, as I found out this morning. I pressed her for details, and the mum's number - and she admitted that the parents are away on holiday in Thailand. Apparently the aunt is staying there while they're away, but she's going out on Sat night, and has no idea about this party.

There are about 100 people going and none of the adults know anything about it.

So I've said absolutely no way. And predictably, she hates me now

Parenting teenagers is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I feel like shit about it, although I know I'm doing the right thing, it's caused a massive rift. She's hurt, because she feels like she's being punished for telling the truth. She wishes she hadn't told me about it and lied - next time, maybe she will just lie.

Ugh. Crap.

[ushush]

I think you trust her, she is sensible, but of course you worry.....but let her go, please....

It will be good for her and at 15 she knows the score. My first camping weekend was when just turned 15. All great fun, nobody got pregnant!

[pajamapants1]

Oops bit late for my post! Well done on saying yes btw.

[pajamapants1]

My parents were very strict with me growing up. To be honest it just made me speak to them less and less, by the time I was 16 I was pregnant.
My mum spent so much time checking I was safe and been well behaved that she never bothered asking me about my life/feelings and that left me feeling mixed up and alone.
What I'm trying to say is you have to trust your daughter, if your constantly trying to stop doing things (sex, drugs, drinking) she'll think what the hell she's expecting me to do it anyway.
You know your daughter, just ask her to call you at midnight so you can assess the situation.

[ProperStumped]

It'll be 21st.... I'm not entirely sure that it'll happen - those of you with teenagers will be aware that they can't organise a piss-up in a brewery between them

But either way, I'm a great mum for saying yes. Yay!

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

So - which weekend do we all need to be on standby for a bit of handholding??

LOL - it's actually no worse than going to a friends place for a party or a sleepover and at least it's only one night.

BUT definitely stress that no matter what she/they have done, she wont be in trouble and you will help. Tell her about the recovery position and not to light anything in the tent - a lot of people die trying to keep warm by lighting BBQ's, gas lamps etc - it's a real danger, especially with teenagers.

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

Love the sex 'lecture' ProperStumped. I remember my Dad trying to do that at 16. There is nothing a girl of 16 can be told any more about sex, even if they haven't done it, did you forget that?

[ProperStumped]

That's a great idea MrsHoarder. I need to make that clear.

[MrsHoarder]

And tell get that even if the rules are broken, if she's frightened our worried about her friends then if she rings you immediately she won't get in trouble and you'll help.

I was always told that as a teen, and its a good safety net that I was never in two minds about ringing for help.

[ProperStumped]

That's the way I was with mine Wellwobbly

I believe I even uttered the phrase 'you can get pregnant even if they don't ejaculate, you know. That stuff is EVIL. It gets EVERYWHERE'

[AutumnMadness]

I think this depends on the character of your DD. I went camping at 16, with friends and no adult supervision (although there were plenty of older teenagers around, and some in the 20s). We went hundreds of miles away from home, wild camping, and there were no mobile phones in those days. We were fine. I never did any smoking/drinking/drugs/sex at that age in normal life and was not at all going to do it while camping. I had a great time instead.

[Wellwobbly]

Ha ha ha!

Well done, good Mum.

I earned a rebuke from my daughter: 'we aren't all sex mad like you were' ! - this after a 'things can get carried away' talk from me.

I also believe in my D and so would let her go.

[ProperStumped]

She's over the moon

So I decided to punish her by having a lovely talk about sex, self respect and safety... Ooooh, she loved it

[ALittleStranger]

Well done for letting her go. And really, what is the worst that can happen? Am slightly jealous of everyone's else teenage parties where apparently everyone had sex and took loads of drugs, I just remember a couple of shaggers and a lot of vodka vomit. Teenagers do actually need a long leash to experiment, it's an important part of growing up.

[garlicgrump]

You both sound lovely!

I imagine it will be angsty for you - but, really, you couldn't ask for a better 'toe in the water' than one night, near home, with friends.

Since everyone else is sharing, I did my first holidays (two) away from home at 16. I went with girl friends; we got pissed and acted stupid, but didn't shag anyone or suffer any harm. Not that shagging would be a massive problem, would it, as long as they know how to stay safe?

Anyway, your DD sounds unlikely to even get drunk. I hope she has a great time :)

[MushroomSoup]

Aww have you told her yet? Bet she's thrilled!

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

good for you. good luck and hope she appreciates it :) I'm sure she will even more in ten years....

[ProperStumped]

I totally agree with you itsn0tmeitsyou Everything you said. I lost my virginity at 14, but I believed I was 'in love' and had a long term relationship - obviously he dumped me shortly after we did it, the shit

She is like me, in that respect.

I didn't put it about until later

Thanks for all the advice on this thread, I really appreciate it. I've decided to let her go, she's earned my trust up until now, and never abused it. I'll be crapping myself of course... but I think it's something she needs to be allowed to do. In fairness, she could have lied and gone without me knowing, so I'm eternally grateful that she is who she is.

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

I was thinking about this a bit (funny what pops into your head when you're sorting the socks out) and I thought this - I was a very sensible 15/16 year old. I did want to do things with boys at 15, but I didn't want to do it with just any boy, I wanted to be in love, and did wait until I was, and I think in retrospect this is one of the few things I got dead right in my teenage years (18, in the end...). If she is that sensible, she might do a bit of snogging, but what's wrong with that at 15... I doubt she would go all the way, and the fact that you're plainly trusting her by letting her go will probably give her a much greater sense of responsibility and 'owing you' to be careful when she's there than she may have if you always forbid her doing things in case there's an element of risk.

[Eastpoint]

I don't know where they are going but my friends' daughters came across a naked rambler - late 50s in the Surrey Hills about a month ago. There were several groups doing DofE and he popped (snork) up twice. Warn them to go to the loo in pairs even if they are going in bushes. Apparently as long as the person isn't bothering them no offence has been committed - the police were called etc.