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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to make of this. Could I have some opinions please?

96 replies

MrsMorello · 07/05/2013 09:41

I've been with DP for six months so fairly early days. Everything is good so far, we're taking things slowly and I enjoy his company.

However, I don't know whether this is me over reacting or not, but I'm starting to feel like he is publicly putting me down...on Facebook of all places. For example, I love baking and last week I made and decorated a cake for my nephew's birthday. I uploaded a photo to show my friends, only to find DP had written this response underneath: 'Good to see I've got a woman who knows her way around the kitchen!'

Other examples: I wrote a status which said I was looking forward to going to a bar with some friends. DP adds this comment underneath, 'Yeah good luck with that one you lightweight! You'll be passed out after one drink.'

He's made less than flattering comments about my driving and has also made reference to me being his 'chauffeur' after I picked him up one night in my [quote] 'banger of a car.'

I have two terriers and there are a couple of photos of them on my FB page. DP has commented and said, 'you'll never catch me taking those rats for a walk with their poncey pink collars! I'd never live it down!'

One of my male friends who I've known for 20 years and has recently emigrated wrote a message on my FB wall to say hi, how are you? That sort of thing. DP immediately picks up on this and writes underneath: "This is a bit too friendly for my liking!"

Is it me being over sensitive or is this quite a rude thing to do? I sort of feel as though by adding these comments on my FB page it's like he's marking his territory and also letting people know that he wears the trousers in the relationship, almost like he's showing off?

Facebook aside, when it's just me and him together he is quite sweet but does take the piss out of me a lot. To start with I used to give him some banter back but it's wearing a bit thin now especially as I've noticed his 'jokes' are actually quite personal. I've spoken to him about it and he has said he's just 'messing around' but he's still doing it.

Feeling a bit confused here, as though something's not sitting right with me but I'm worried I'm over reacting. This guy is in his late twenties by the way, although from what I've written he sounds like a child! Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 07/05/2013 09:45

I'd hate that. He's undermining you in public and in your relationship.

I wouldn't stay with someone like that. You're not over-reacting; imagine staying with him - years of little digs and piss-takes and being told to 'chill out' if you dare counter it.

Dump.

MrsBranestawm · 07/05/2013 09:46

You're not over reacting. He sounds quite controlling.

onefewernow · 07/05/2013 09:48

Jokes are also messages. Some people do a lot of joking as a way of getting away with unreasonable remarks.Like him.

I think he is disguising his sexism as joking. Also, how dare he comment like that when you talk to others.

I would get rid, and trust your own instincts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2013 09:50

I'm sorry but I'd be giving him the boot as of now before he really ups the control and power ante on you. He is undermining your abilities and your friends; you do not need someone like this undermining your confidence and self esteem because such men do that over time and such abuse is insidious in its onset. He started with your FB page now he has moved onto putting you down in person.

He's not messing around either when he is doing that, he knows what he is doing here. He is being emotionally abusive towards you and is trying to control you. And no he is not sweet at all, men like this actually hate women and pour scorn on them.

Would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2013 09:52

Six months upwards is around the time that an abusers mask slips; unfortunately you are now seeing him as he really is. He has been on his best behaviour up till now. Do not emotionally invest any more in him than you already have; he needs to be gone from your life as of now.

Ilikethebreeze · 07/05/2013 10:00

Have you asked him about it?
Posters on here. Why do you time and time again say ltb.
Are all of you single?
Does it not occur to you to first ask the poster what conversations she has had with the partner?

BeCool · 07/05/2013 10:01

He does sound like a bit of a dickhead with potential to become a much bigger one.

If you look at when he is making the comments he is attacking what is important to you: Your talents (cake), you beloved pets (rats), your social life (night out with friends), your possessions (car), your friendships (FB comment from old friend) and also shows some very old fashioned views re women (get into the kitchen, chauffeur etc).

You've raised the issue with him and he dismissed your feelings about his behaviour. He probably does think he's being funny - but he's not. Imagine this side of him growing.

Remember that famous quote "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

You can do much better.

Original poster
MrsMorello · 07/05/2013 10:02

Very glad I posted on here, thank you for the replies. I definitely feel as though he has been undermining me and I have actually started to doubt myself a lot so clearly I need to put a stop to this.

Out of interest, my friends and some of my family would have seen his FB messages on my wall but no one has said anything to me about them - is that strange? Or do you think they feel it's not their place to tell me I'm dating a complete dick?

OP posts:
jayho · 07/05/2013 10:03

Sexist, misogynistic, arrogant, controlling, entitled.......

Agree with Attila, get rid.

Ilikethebreeze · 07/05/2013 10:03

Yes he does sound controlling at present, but do you just always believe that a man never changes behaviour?
I presume you think a woman never changes behaviour as well.
Well that rules out all of the counselling industry for a start.

BeCool · 07/05/2013 10:03

Ilikethebreeze - to quote the OP "I've spoken to him about it and he has said he's just 'messing around' but he's still doing it."

Original poster
MrsMorello · 07/05/2013 10:05

Hi Ilike I've spoken to him about it but he says he's just joking and can't see why I would be upset. He also thinks what he's written on FB is OK and 'banter.'

OP posts:
BeCool · 07/05/2013 10:05

Yeah cause it's the OP's role in life to change him? Hmm Confused

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2013 10:06

Actions speak far louder than words and he has dismissed any concerns of OPs out of hand.

He's just trying to be the Big I Am Man, full of insecurity and doubts not of the OPs making. He is putting her down to make his own pathetic self feel better.

I'd be wondering what his parents relationship is like as well, such controlling behaviour often comes from one or either parent.

LEMisdisappointed · 07/05/2013 10:07

most of the messages indicate to me that he is simply bit of a wanker, the "too friendly for my liking" is a huge red flag - run

Ilikethebreeze · 07/05/2013 10:07

oops. She does say she has spoken to him about it.
op, speak again, and warn him you will not be putting up with it.
Either he changes, or you give him the boot.

[still saying that men and women can change behaviour. Else no relationship on earth would be worthwhile. Just beacuse you dont change behaviour, does not mean the rest of the planet chooses not to].

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2013 10:08

"Out of interest, my friends and some of my family would have seen his FB messages on my wall but no one has said anything to me about them - is that strange? Or do you think they feel it's not their place to tell me I'm dating a complete dick?"

Some of them probably have their suspicions but feel unable to say anything because they may feel that its not their business to say anything.

I will tell you straight that currently you are dating a complete dick!.

Do read the book I wrote of as well.

Ilikethebreeze · 07/05/2013 10:08

BeCool, why cant she help or encourage?

Are you single or with a partner?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2013 10:10

Controlling men rarely if ever change their abusive behaviour because it is too deeply ingrained in their own pysche. What such men do over time is up the ante as this man has done here. First the FB page, then the comments made to OP directly. Abuse is insidious in its onset and I bet he was complete sweetness and light in the beginning.

TheVermiciousKnid · 07/05/2013 10:10

There is something rather unpleasant about somebody whose jokes are always at somebody else's expense...

oldwomaninashoe · 07/05/2013 10:13

He is basically making fun of you! Does he say you are being oversensitive if you call him on it?
He probably thinks his comments are highly amusing and he is very witty, but if he really felt a deep affection for you he would be "kind" to you and this subtle putting down of you and yours is not kind.
I don't think he holds you in very high regard.
You have told him that you do not like the comments, the next time he does it tell him he's history, and stick to it!
You don't need his undermining comments they do nothing to enhance your life.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/05/2013 10:14

My extremely abusive ex-H would make those kinds of comments as well. They are serious red flags. He was "only joking", of course, and it was my problem for "not having a sense of humour" Hmm

A man who respects you would not feel the need to put you down and assert ownership like that. He's undermining you to big himself up: only losers do that.

SuffolkNWhat · 07/05/2013 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lydiajones · 07/05/2013 10:18

I think it seems like he is trying to mark his territory and trying to be funny. I don't think the comments are too bad but a bit embarrassing really.

Maybe you should just say something like can you stop making stupid comments on facebook as I don't want people thinking I am dating a loser!!! See if that works!

Planetofthedrapes · 07/05/2013 10:18

I've got an idea...

If he posts any pictures or makes any comments - why don't you leave a mildly "jokey" comment.

If he reacts badly - you have your answer, its ok for him to make comments about you, but not the other way round.

only 6 months...LTB!