Not sure what to make of this. Could I have some opinions please?

[MrsMorello]

I've been with DP for six months so fairly early days. Everything is good so far, we're taking things slowly and I enjoy his company.

However, I don't know whether this is me over reacting or not, but I'm starting to feel like he is publicly putting me down...on Facebook of all places. For example, I love baking and last week I made and decorated a cake for my nephew's birthday. I uploaded a photo to show my friends, only to find DP had written this response underneath: 'Good to see I've got a woman who knows her way around the kitchen!'

Other examples: I wrote a status which said I was looking forward to going to a bar with some friends. DP adds this comment underneath, 'Yeah good luck with that one you lightweight! You'll be passed out after one drink.'

He's made less than flattering comments about my driving and has also made reference to me being his 'chauffeur' after I picked him up one night in my [quote] 'banger of a car.'

I have two terriers and there are a couple of photos of them on my FB page. DP has commented and said, 'you'll never catch me taking those rats for a walk with their poncey pink collars! I'd never live it down!'

One of my male friends who I've known for 20 years and has recently emigrated wrote a message on my FB wall to say hi, how are you? That sort of thing. DP immediately picks up on this and writes underneath: "This is a bit too friendly for my liking!"

Is it me being over sensitive or is this quite a rude thing to do? I sort of feel as though by adding these comments on my FB page it's like he's marking his territory and also letting people know that he wears the trousers in the relationship, almost like he's showing off?

Facebook aside, when it's just me and him together he is quite sweet but does take the piss out of me a lot. To start with I used to give him some banter back but it's wearing a bit thin now especially as I've noticed his 'jokes' are actually quite personal. I've spoken to him about it and he has said he's just 'messing around' but he's still doing it.

Feeling a bit confused here, as though something's not sitting right with me but I'm worried I'm over reacting. This guy is in his late twenties by the way, although from what I've written he sounds like a child! Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Ilike the OP has already said that her confidence and self belief have been eroded by his constant undermining. This is after 6 months, most of which he would be on best behaviour.

You are deluded to think that you can change another person especially one who doesn't want to change. Yes you can support someone who WANTS to change but that isn't the case here. MrsM has talked with him about it and he dismissed her feelings. He doesn't want to address these issues, even though MrsM is upset. He isn't into looking at his behaviour or taking on board how his behaviour is affecting her.

WTF has my relationship got to do with it?

At 6 months he has revealed himself, dismissed MrsM's feelings and is undermining her. Why wouldn't you cut your loses and move on?

Are you single or in a relationship Ilike? Did you change your man when he didn't want to change? Do you stick around to be told how crap everything in your life is by your P?

"Just joking" ... It's like these people that start the sentence 'No offence but...' and think that entitles them to be offensive. I'd be making it very clear that you don't think much of his sense of humour and, if he carries on regardless, showing him the red card...

At this stage OP your friends and family probably don't feel they can raise the issue with you.

But I'm sure a fair few have thought And when you dump him they'll probably let you know they noticed.

Just get rid of him. He's let you know that he doesn't give a shit that you don't like his insults 'jokes'. It can only get worse.

Oh and by the way I saw my BIL flirting with a girl at a BBQ over the weekend. It involved compliments and then nasty digs disguised as 'banter'. She took the bait and they then went off together, very drunk. But I have seen what happens in his relationships. It always ends in hysteria and pain for the women, with him labling them as psychos etc.

The day after he hooked up with her he was bragging about how into him she was and how desperate she seemed. But fully planned to meet up with her again and pursue the relationship.

He sounds like a knob, sorry.

OP needs to decide her boundaries for such comments. Individually, they're not too bad. But the cumulative effect is different, especially if he doesn't see the need to rein it in when he's told it's getting hurtful.

If you don't like it now, you certainly won't a further 6 months in, or at any point in the future really.

See, I think they are bad individually, Auntie. Each one is needlessly critical and unfunny. They each make the statement, 'I have the right to criticise you'.

It's that old adage OP: when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He's saying he doesn't care that you don't like it. And that he has every right to criticise you and laugh at you for no good reason and undermine you.

LTB

you know what your gut is telling you. you wouldn't have posted otherwise. For me the problem is that you have asked him to stop and he hasn't.

BeCool. Yes been married for 2 and a half decades.
Yes, I did help him change some things about himself, as he did me.
Else, what hope is there for any relationship.

What about your realtionship. I think, when people post on here, that their own relationship is important.
If a poster who comments aon another's relationship, themselves has a string of partners because they cannot work things out, then that is indeed relavant.
Similarly, if a poster no longer can stand all men because of what a partner did to them, then I consider that relevant as well.

And just because someone doesnt want to change behaviour the first time something is discussed, doesnt necessarily mean he wont change it the second time. [or occasionally, on occasions, the third] Not sure I would give someone more chances than 3.

OK Ilike so are you going to poll everyone above as to their relationships? Cause I'm not the only one saying this guy is a loser with no interest in listening to the OP or taking onboard what she is saying?

I ignored red flags at my peril. I can't say I regret it, as I have 2 beautiful DD's now, but IME people don't change because someone else wants them to.

I am still stunned that exP didn't change his behaviour even when he stood to lose his family. As most people are saying here, many of these guys simply DO NOT CHANGE. And its not the OP's job to change him - she herself has already been negatively affected after 6 short months. Why would you stick around for more?

Ilike you HELPED your P change & it was mutual!! Presumably you P wanted to change and took stuff on board that you said to him. That is very normal and part of a loving healthy relationship.

It wasn't the case with my exP, who like many other people would not change even when everything precious to him was taken away. But foolishly I thought, that like in a 'normal' relationship, like you and your P did, that we would support each other to become better people and grow together. But I ignored red flags, many of the same ones MrsM's P is waving in her face here.

I agree individually they aren't bad. The cake one is actually praising your baking. The drinking one is actually saying you are not a heavy drinker, which l certainly wouldn't take as an insult in any format. The dogs thing l would take much more notice of how he actually behaves towards your dogs, than him saying something derogatory online about their pink collars and 'poncey' appearance tbh. My DH has always said he would never walk down the street with one of those little dogs (he just doesnt like the smaller 'lapdog' breeds) especially with a ribbon/pink collar on etc. But more to the point his DGD now has one and he is lovely and kindness itself to it and am sure would break his own 'rule' if his DGD asked him.

The one where someone says 'Hi, how are you? and he says 'That's too friendly for my liking' is the one l would be most concerned about. It could be genuinely just banter l suppose as very obviously 'hi , how are you?' isn't at all too friendly and he might have just thought it would be funny to say that. But that would be the comment l would definitely give the most headspace to and think about.

I was brought up in a large family and the Irish half in particular seemed to have a quite cutting dry sense of humour which involves getting a lot of digs in, sarcasm etc. 'Oh, it's you is it ! ?' when someone walked in the house and that sort of thing, It could be misconstrued at times obviously but never meant nastily and was at times very funny even. They only did it with close family and friends, so if they 'insulted' you, you knew you were well in .

The thing is though whether he is being snipey or that is just genuinely his way and his sense of humour, either way this isnt going to work.
If it's the former, for obvious reasons but even if you give him the benefit of the doubt and decide it's the latter, then you're obviously not compatible if his 'ways' often upset you.

Sorry for drip feeding but the comment from Auntie about boundaries has made me think. If I'm honest my perceptions of a 'normal' relationship are pretty skewed by my dad. He has been married to my mum for years and he has always treated her as a second class citizen. He calls her 'the wife' or 'the missus;' other women are 'birds.' He believes men should be the bread winners and women should stay at home and cook, clean etc (which has always been the dynamic in their relationship). He thinks he is always right, he 'jokes' at my mum's expense and she is expected to put up with it, he has in the past given her a 'slap' (as he calls it) during arguments.

I know if I were to ask my DF and DM what they thought of DP's behaviour they wouldn't see a problem with it as that is 'normalised' in their relationship.

Some posters have said that DP sounds mysogynistic and I can see that he is e.g he 'liked' a Facebook page which is basically porn. He sometimes refers to women as 'slags,' and his idea of the perfect woman is a Page Three model (which I am the total opposite of). I did mention this to one of my friends and she just said, "But he's a man's man, a lad. A lot of blokes are like that."

Sorry, this post makes no sense at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find this situation a bit hard to gauge because of my upbringing and what people around me find acceptable.

Am popping out now but will be back on here later. Thanks again for the replies and advice, it's very helpful.

BeCool. Thank you for your posts. I agree with some of what you say.
The other person does indeed have to be willing to change. And I agree with you, that quite often ot doesnt happen.
But, in this ops case, she may well have only asked him once. As I said, I think a person may need to be asked 3 times.

Also, like you say, sometimes, when a person sees that they might lose something, that may spur them to make changes.
Which is why, in this ops case, I find it curious that some posters already say ltb.
And that is why, sometimes it is important to know what background they come from themselves.
And I appreciate that i could not do a poll. But I equally do think, that some posters who often say ltb, almost at the drop of a hat, then yes, what relationship background have they had.

I appreciate that you have come forward and said yours.

Fuck asking a new relationship three times. Ignore that. Maybe if you'd been in a good relationship for years in which a few issues had arisen, yes, then work at it. Not in this situation.

You've been with him a short period of time, he undermines you, is a porn-using misogynist, he sounds like a nightmare. Dump him.

You don't have to work hard to change a man like this, asking nicely three times although the first time he's been utterly unmoved by your feelings. It's not your responsibility. He won't change. He feels completely entitled to behave as he does.

Look for a new man when you are ready to - someone respectful and decent.

It's not your job to change this man! Jesus.

""But he's a man's man, a lad. A lot of blokes are like that."

This is true... still makes them arseholes, though. The 'boys will be boys' argument is a) pathetic and b) used far too often to excuse crappy behaviour... often by bitter, deluded women like your mother, sadly. Bottom line is that if you don't like it, don't find it funny, if it makes you feel like he's taking the piss... dump the guy rather than compromising either your self-respect or your standards

Well, what a charmer!
Red flags a plenty for me op, sorry :(

I think a lot of the people who post here in relationships are VERY wise and VERY good (now at least) at spotting red flags in people's behaviour and at identifying early signs that a persons behaviour is abusive.

It's the same with the affair threads - how many times has the OP said "I'm 99.9% sure that he's not having an affair" and many posters advise the OP to prepare herself to discover he is indeed having an affair - and they are right.

There are some patterns of behaviour in relationships that are all to clear and all to obvious. And often it's the people who have learnt from experience, and come out the other side that can really see it clearly.

ilike your experience is different and your P sounds supportive and lovely and emotionally intelligent. It's that kind of 'normal' behaviour most women want in a partner, and sometimes is why they ignore red flags. I couldn't believe that my sweet, funny, sexy, intelligent P could REALLY be an abusive arse (well this was pre MN and I didn't know much about this kind of abusive behaviour - the kind wrapped up in sweetness and fluffy clouds). And of course, I kept telling myself, he would simply change these difficult parts of his behaviour especially if losing his family was on the line. I offered to support him countless times. I was totally wrong. I had to lean and accept that he REALLY WAS AN ABUSIVE ARSE and I couldn't help him as he would not help himself. It's dreadfully sad for us as a family. But it is quite common behaviour.

The thing is it's only been 6 months and he's already like this. Now picture it in 6 years.

My ex-BIL was like this. Pre-Facebook days (I am getting on a bit) but he would openly refer to his DW as 'the old tart'... and try to claim it was just a bit of a laugh. He was a prize shit.

I don't know about abusive or controlling.

The only flags I can see flying are spelling out K N O B H E A D

You are allowed to dump someone for being an embarrassing tool.

This bloke is a misogynist tosser and needs the order of the boot.

I'm amazed the relationship has even got this far, but your parents' relationship and your father's behaviour probably explains that a bit.

Oh and I've been married for decades to a bloke who's not a twat......

he's a tosser.

my dh doesn't do any of those things. i'm afraid i wouldn't put up with that crap, and haven't in the past.

He could have said
"Wow! MrsMorello, your cake looks Devine! I hope you can make one for me someday "
But he said:
"Good to see I've got a woman who knows her way around the kitchen"
All of the other examples are more direct making it easier to see the disrespect toward you, MrsMorello. I am glad you included this one because it is a comment that one might reflexively smile at and say "thanks". But giving your brain ten seconds to think about it, there seems to be a jab in there that you may not be able to quite identify. Your gut instinct knows it is there. It is known as a "left-handed compliment".

This sentence is not about MrsMorello or her excellent cake at all. Imho, this kind of person (women can do this too- my sister ) is loathe to give anyone a direct compliment.

Instead, he makes it about him:

1. "I've got a woman"...declaring ownership

2)He is her superior because the sentence implies she will be his personal chef (that makes her the subordinate, to be clear)

3)He referred to her as "a woman", making her an object instead of a person.

4)It diminishes MrsMorello to be one of millions of people who know their way around a kitchen...a device to keep her subordinate, insignificant, "dime a dozen".

4)He completely ignores making a comment about the cake! Her accomplishment is dismissed.

What StarsdontShine said..."not a person in your own right". The goal is to make you invisible, MrsMorello, so the focus will always be on him.

Why should she waste her time on a prat?
If more women binned these nobbers at the stage the OP is at, perhaps, just perhaps,they might motivate themselves to realise that their behaviours are ridiculous.
But some women just excuse, mansplain and give chance after chance. Frankly they are welcome to do so but I never will. Life is to short to rehabilitate a prize arsehole.